Troubling Inconsistencies

Every so often, I will post something that doesn't completely blow. While we wait for that to happen again, here's this one. That's not to say the usual sprinkling of wisdom is not present. On the contrary--it's just that the wisdom is disguised. Consider: Raising kids is a widely accepted life course. A worthwhile endeavor, even. But raising hell is rarely thought to be as honorable, unless you're AC/DC. And even then, I know many who would object. The point is, current cultural mores do not permit raising hell on a *consistent* basis. Unless you are a local rock god on the scene, as I am, you can't get away with that kind of thing. I know that I rock with the fury, but why should I get special treatment?

Another example of hypocrisy in this country: Being a straight-shooter is thought to be a worthy, morally sound quality. However, shooting up is thought of as very different, no matter how accurate you are. Especially to the cops, who are only good at seeing black and white. But what if your brother or hamster died? Studies have consistently shown that heroin is the first step in the healing process. Little bit of gray area in there, I think it's safe to say.

If you're caught red-handed, that's different than finding a red herring, which is a false lead or clue in an investigation. Very different things, but both containing the word red. That is a fascinating paradox not easily solved in our lifetime.

My mom says that she loves me, but she is not in love with me, whatever that means. Not good enough.

Finally, consider carbon monoxide poisoning. If it happens to your boss, that can be neat. But when it happens to that checker at safeway who was pretty hot, it's not as great. Because you were really making progress with her. You were very close to closing the deal on that one.

If you can think of other blatant double standards, I'd be interested in hearing about them. This stuff needs to stop, I'm tired of it.

December 25th, 2004- I purged again today. I promised myself I wouldn't, Brittany and I agreed we wouldn't, but it was just too much food. Cutie Kayden's coming over later but he would never like me anyway even if I was skinny but I still did it. Maybe I'll just tell Brit I stuck to our promise anyway, ha ha...oh yeah and I hate my breasts, lol!!

Oops, hold up. That was an entry from my little sister's diary, sorry. Let me find my stuff. Ok, yeah. I was having Christmas vacation recently, and noticed that it's better than working. Have you noticed that too? Anyway, I actually celebrate Kwanza, because I like to keep people guessing. When people ask me what I did for Christmas, I always say, "Do you mean Kwanza?", and call them racist provincialists. This is often confusing for them, since I'm white. But sometimes you have to make a stand.

So this year was pretty nice, really. If you must know. I wrote 2, or 3, novels, I can't remember which, slept in, and consumed many non-Surgeon General-approved food items, any one of which might've instantly hardened the arteries of a lesser man. Being of more sound constitution than most, the chocolate donuts and eggnog stood no chance. Don't try to deny me my pizza at 1:30 am, either, because I will just try to sneak it if you do. I will eat everything in sight, please understand that.

I also dedicated a good deal of energy toward reminding my 3 nephews who their favorite uncle was, which required more physical encouragement than I had anticipated. It took a good hour to break them, as they proved to be quite resilient. I would never tell them this, but I was secretly proud of their defiance. Kids really crack me up though, how they think you will really make them run naked through the mean dog's yard. Yeah, like I have time to take you to the hospital and all that. Think it through, geniuses--and stop crying.

What else? Oh yeah, you know how people often say their family is crazy, as in, "what a bunch of yahoos" or, "my brother is such a character"? I hear where these people are coming from, but with my family it's different, because they're crazy like "should probably be hospitalized" crazy. Mostly, if I'm very still and don't make sudden movements, we make it through. Board games can be touch-and-go though, let me tell you. Just kidding guys, you know I love you! And for the last time, I am not a secret government agent who is trying to put a tracking chip in your brain! Ok, great!

Ah, Kwanza with the family. If only I had a powerful sleeping aid, I would put it in their eggnog.

I Like To Decorate, But Only Heterosexually

After living in my house for 10 months, I decided it was time to start working a little of my magic on the interior decorating side of things. To the best of my knowledge I'm not gay, but you would never know it from the way I can transform any room into a fabulous and vibrant expression of my feelings. Sometimes these same feelings make me want to draw my neighbor Steve into my arms for a long, non-sexual embrace. We're football buds, no big deal. We watch football and talk about girls almost everyday, for so long I don't even know how long we talk about those girls. Sometimes Steve will watch football without his shirt on, but I don't even notice his abdominal muscles. It's like he doesn't even have abdominal muscles. But HE DOES.

Anyway, I've been putting stuff on the living room walls, it's coming together. The main problem is that if I don't start involving some actual color soon, I'm going to die of depression before I ever finish. It's like the opposite of light therapy in there. Sometimes when I get home, I just start the process of bumping into the walls until I get to my bedroom. It's dreary, I'm telling you.

On the other hand, there could be benefits to the grim reaper look. For starters, I could impress the gothic-type girls. First they might think I was too preppy, and not exciting enough. But then they would see the error of their ways, that my living room was actually a giant black hole, and this would intrigue them. "What kind of man has a living room that is also a black hole? I can't even see my own hand in front of my face, that is so hot. I must learn more about him in case he is Batman, or a similarly exotic vigilante".

Alright, I'll let you guys know how that works out. And if you think I care what Steven says, you are so wrong, honey. Seriously, stop joking around, it's not like that. Because I'm all about the laydays, you know? Bring on the laydays! Also football and baseball, all those silly sport-thingies, that's what I'm into--not tanned, glistening pectoral muscles.

Sometimes You Have To Stir The Pot

If you've been to this site before, you know my standard practice is to periodically divert from the mundane, and deliver something of substance. Okay, that's never actually happened, but I really feel like things are turning around in this area. I want to make a difference, and I don't care how many lives are affected in negative, destructive ways. So not to be rude, but I'd appreciate it if you'd be courteous enough to listen to my ideas and concerns about how to achieve peace in this world as well as end multiple instances of suffering or whatever. My plan is three-pronged, with several sub-prongs pointing out towards the side of the original prongs, ultimately creating an unmanageable cluster of prongs. That will be down the road, though. First, I have recorded some of my more basic observations and reflections about people who don't even have xboxes, it's really pathetic.

I saw a segment on the news the other night about some people in Africa and other major cities around the world. Apparently some health problems cropped up in this one tribe, due to not eating for 3-4 weeks at a time. There was also some stuff about warlords creating famine in various regions but it was kind of boring. Personally, I suspected that it was more a problem with what they were eating, rather than how frequently. From what I saw, their carb intake was VERY high, not the kind of diet you want to follow if your goal is lean muscle mass, a fitness concept which 60 Minutes is apparently unaware of. Investigative reporting, huh? What are they investigating, how to be a chubby chubberson? Right, so the stomachs of these children bloat up like little beach balls and soon after, all they can do is lie there helplessly and look up at their mothers with scared, desperate eyes. Then their little brother starts the bloating process as well, and before you know it, sayonora. Wow, this kind of thing is really a downer, isn't it? I think I'm pretty much tapped out here.

Now let's recap. Before reading some of this, I can see why you thought the main point in life was internet dating or eating Captain Crunch at 3 pm, and then maybe going for a little run because that Captain Crunch wasn't on your diet, was it, fatty? However, as I've shown, there are some people out there, possibly 70 or 80 on the Egyptian continent alone, who don't even have access to Pilates machines. Does that seem fair to you, is that equitable in your mind? Not to have access to an exercise regimen that will stretch, strengthen, and balance the body?

Alright, I promise to keep it lighter the next time around. But I feel like everyone has a responsibility to both give and share, as well as do other stuff that raises a self-awareness level in others, such as teens, and infants, causing small infants to give back to the community from which they were born only days previously, in order to battle leukemia and arm cancer...Ok, it's obvious I'm not cut out for this, I'm sorry. But I still think you guys should battle poverty if you have the chance. Thanks!

Let's Rock this [Office Christmas] Party!

There are not many things that can top a company Christmas party, if you don't count every single other thing that has ever existed. The debate surrounding the relative worth of these gatherings has long ceased, and now we must only determine the purpose for their existence. Sure, everyone has a good time making fun of them, and that's probably worth something. But just because I can make fun of cockroaches doesn't mean we should eat more cockroaches, or breed them so we never run out. They are no fun to eat my friends, let me tell you! I ate one once, and if you pressed me on it, I would admit that was the wrong call on my part. My bad on that one.

Ok, so even though that was a clever metaphor I thought of with the cockroaches, the rabbit-hole goes far deeper, twisting and turning. That is another metaphor, but I don't have time to explain every single one. The point is, I've once more done the mental legwork on the office party mystery so that you can save your energy for going to the restroom or eating peanut butter sandwiches, or whatever it is you guys do when you're not here reading stuff and getting smarter.

My hypothesis is that we continue to attend these social train wrecks because we're searching for the perfect office christmas party. Just like unicorns, heterosexual male hairdressers, or real candidates for president, we keep thinking that one must exist somewhere. Well, I have news for y--hey, I think that's a unicorn...

I think the concept of free alcohol also figures prominently. I don't care about that, because drinking is for the devil, but the satan-worshippers in the office seem to enjoy it. The damned have funny ideas sometimes. Anyway, the other incentive that comes to mind is the award ceremony. At my company, the only awards given are for 5, 10, and 15 years of consecutive service. Not dying seems to be the requirement for earning one of these. I guess management would also prefer that you not embezzle noticably large sums of money or use your corporate expense account for hookers, but even those transgressions won't prevent a service award from happening. Trust me on this. Not that I'm complaining, I was not feeling very sexy at all that night, and it's almost like she cared about me. I know that sounds crazy...but enough romantic talk.

When I reflect on last Friday's party, what stands out to me the most, is that, at my date's request, I'm not to call her ever again. I knew things had gone sour when I asked her what she thought of everybody. She started doing this robot-like stiff-walk, complete with choppy, mechanical arm and leg movements. Apparently this was representative of the collective personality and charm of my office mates. So big deal, I'm a robot. I guess me and the other robots will rock you silly at next year's party, which will finally be awesome!

Lists! Yes!

Today as I was having general thoughts about my greatness, I paused, as all great thinkers do. Not the kind of pause they do in the movies, because those are always about 12 seconds too long. When they finally start up again, I feel like they should at least explain particle theory, because I don't know what that is and that information could be useful --but usually it's along the lines of, "I don't really know, Margaret. I do know it's time for me to start living again." Yeah, like I care. Anyway, while I was pausing for the appropriate time-span, I engaged in additional thinking, but my brow had furrowed and I was taking it to another level. I'm talking about a white-hot flurry of synaptic firing here, do you understand?

And now, the fruits of my labor: Lists that let you know what to like and what not to. List form is simple even if you're a small child with no head, so I knew you guys could understand it. Just kidding everybody, that's just a little playful humor right there. I will begin with a series of items which have met my approval. Then I will enumerate additional items which currently suck, or have exhibited inordinately high levels of suckation in the past.

You may be saying to yourself, "Oh, this is just his personal list, or how it is from his perspective", or something equally stupid. You also might think you've seen lists like these before. But I'm just about done with the naysaying, ok? Now pay attention, these are hilarious.

Good Things

1. List-making/broad generalizations
2. Willingness to share lists with others
3. That real fast butt-shaking move that the girls do in rap videos
4. Paris Hilton being voted in among the 'Most Fascinating' people of 2004
5. Just messing around! Wanted to make sure you weren't skimming.
6. Axl Rose taking everyone down to the paradise city. That seems like a good time.
7. Relative affordability of Russian mail-order brides
8. Naked chicks! What, you know that had to be on here somewhere!
9. Jet engine-loud cell phone ring tones. That's awesome.

Things Or Concepts Not Passing Muster

1. Personal wellness seminars for pets
2. Jude Law edging me out for Sexiest Man Alive. Are you people serious??
3. Non-razor-sharp Chinese throwing stars. Get with the program, ninjas!
4. Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz. He's so dreamy, I don't get it!
5. Not letting someone know that you're no longer dating them
6. Then giving them that 800 phone number with the automated break-up message on it. You know what I'm talking about Tawni, not cool.
7. Serial Killers
8. No, not this blog. C'mon, that's mean.

My lawyer friend was talking about the unreliability of eyewitness testimony. Apparently our brains often make up and fill in missing pieces for stuff we see, and it's involuntarily inserted into our memory of an event. Obviously, I got to thinking about how I could benefit from this. See this sample conversation as an example:


My girlfriend: What were you doing kissing your sister for so long like that? That was really weird and gross.

Me: Eyewitness testimony is almost completely unreliable, I can't believe you were so dumb as to not know that. In fact, I don't even know what you're saying right now. You've left me with no choice but to deem that last question inadmissible. Not only that, but you are so clearly out of order right now, it's absurd. Never have I heard such insolence in my courtroom. Bailiff, restrain this woman.

My gf: Can you see what I'm doing right now then? I'm keying your car. Or is that not what I'm doing?

Me: Actually yeah, that does look a lot like you're keying my car...


Wow, ok...that example didn't work out exactly as I had envisioned it. Quick side note: I guess my little peanut would probably prefer that I refer to her as, "ex", the crazy thing--with her silly restraining orders and whatnot. She exasperates me sometimes. Anyway, if your significant other was a little more rational (are you listening Christie, I will hunt you down, I swear to you), you might have something to work with. Plus, "kissing one's sister" is such an ugly phrase. I think "nuzzling" is far more accurate, not to mention more appropriate for the children.

Let's Get To Know One Another

After a short debate with myself, I decided in favor of sharing some of my more intimate thoughts here. If you were hoping they'd be of a sexual nature, I hate to disappoint. They are of a bi-sexual nature! Ha, just fooling around, Mom and Dad. That was a one-time thing, let's not blow it out of proportion.

I know that some fear keeping a diary or journal because they're afraid they won't have anything interesting to say, or that the voices will make them write bad things about close friends and then the paper will turn into a little upside 5 point star and fly around the room and write cryptic warnings in blood on the bedroom wall. That second part never happens to me, but I thought you might be scared of that. Don't be! Most of the time the star goes away and you can have a good laugh.

For me personally, putting my hopes and dreams on paper turned out to be an effective method of determining that I have almost no ambition. When you discover you have no worthwhile aspirations, that is true freedom. Say you attempted to clean your garage but instead read 104 old Sports Illustrateds cover to cover. (Excluding the swimsuit issues, because they are cheap and tawdry. Sometimes I have to look through them several times just to make sure they're still tawdry). Or, you may be the type of person to feel ashamed of playing xbox for 19 straight hours, periodically peeing into an empty Big Gulp Cup in order to maximize screen time. Before I started a written log of my daily failings, I thought that was wrong, too. But when I had the luxury of going back through my journals, I discovered that these marathon nerd sessions were the most significant accomplishments of my week. As you might imagine, this was a somewhat bitter-sweet conclusion. One the one hand, yes I would never amount to anything, but on the other, guilt-free gaming.

I guess what I'm saying is, don't believe the lie that everyone has a treasure trove of hidden, untapped abilities. You don't, and it's best you know now. There, I think we've really bonded.