Will Ferrell accepts ESPY for Best Male Athlete

I went to Prague, Czech Republic 4 weeks ago, but I waited til now to write about it. Out of respect. The kind of respect that exists only between between a person and a country, or a white person and J Crew. Sure, it made me angry to see Czech citizens defecating in the street and then wiping themselves with US dollars, but I don't hold that against them. There probably wasn't anything better around. I choose to overlook it.

It was originally intended that my trip be 85% business and 15% pleasure. That is, until I realized the Czechs are for the most part an insane people. They were born to party, regardless of whether or not an international business conference might currently be happening. After this epiphany, I changed my mindset and my ratios. New ratios: 3% business, 97% pleasure. Truly something to behold, the freedom with which these people embrace the corporate puppet show. Instead of being stodgy and annoying the entire time, the Czechs acted like they were in a perpetual state of gaining their independence from the Soviet Union. I soon found out they were only *pretending* to be politically and socially suppressed, so they could continue to celebrate their "impending" freedom. For all I know, they're gaining their independence even now--against all logic and reason.

I'm sure some of you think you know what freedom is. I submit that you have no idea, and that you are living in a matrix-like cloud of delusion. Here's what true freedom is:

• Giving keynote speech in front of 20 countries with no less than six references to alcohol
  
  
• Hosting a company dinner with business partners, and hiring Czech girls in traditional (but extremely short) dresses to twirl and dance about the restaurant
  
  
• Displaying a poster in your office of a woman wearing only body paint
  

True, the woman was painted with our company colors, which made the poster work-oriented. But it was a little distracting, because she was posing so provocatively, it looked like she might spontaneously become pregnant at any moment. That's how fertile she looked. Not that I endorse such a poster, because I don't. I don't endorse it, but I *respect* it. Because she was painted in company colors.

American corporate culture has a somewhat different view on these posters. Here, you would be wise not to even think about a naked lady with body paint on her, because the HR people use black magic and they will know. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're not even allowed to ask how someone's weekend was in an American office, because that person might've been naked at some point during their weekend. This could be embarrassing for everyone, and you will also be fired. The general rule of thumb is, if you think there's a chance that the person you're talking to may have been naked within the last 24 hours, don't even talk to them. It's like the don't ask don't tell policy, but more confusing.

If you question the authority with which I speak on these matters, perhaps you would you like to see a resume of all countries I have visited. Or we could save time and you could drape a large towel over a mini-replica of the earth--if the towel is touching a country, then congratulations (to myself), I've been there. Point is, I've seen some things in my time. But I've never seen a corporate business culture like the Czech Republic. And that's why I'm moving there. Plus, you can go to the bathroom in public (see paragraph 1).