Breath-takingly insightful, if you're really dumb.
As I have just returned from a 2 week expedition to Europe, I thought I would jot down a few helpful notes on the topic since none of you have been there except me. No wait let me guess: You don't want to read something that might make you smarter. I don't know what to say about that, but it won't take you very long to read because as we know, all countries besides the United States of America can be summarized in one paragraph--probably less than that in reality. Larger countries such as China or Antarctica require as many as three paragraphs to properly summarize, but five or six paragraphs is too much.
Still, I feel obligated to mention that the Chinese invented fireworks, and Antarctica is not a country but deserves mention for its vast open spaces. Now before I say anything that might accidentally be true, let's move on.
Here are some countries I visited, and I won't apologize for how exotic one or two of them may be. How sick am I? Raise the roof!
Malta: This island was named after a famous spy movie called 'The Maltese Falcon'. Most of Malta's inhabitants are descendants from the production crew who worked on the original movie. If you want to know more about the origins of the name, you should it, because I may have ad-libbed that part about the Maltese Falcon. The island may actually be named after Malt liquor. It was a long time ago, and many records were destroyed in a fire. That I can almost guarantee.
: There were so many beautiful women in Spain I think I'm going to kill myself in honor of them. I don't know if you can see the wisdom in that, but if you saw these women you would understand. If I decide to spare my own life, my alternative plan is to spend an indefinite period of time composing love songs about beautiful Spanish women. Then I will sell them to Enrique Iglesias for 5 million dollars each, because that's how moving these songs will be. And that's how how desperate Enrique Iglesias is.
Germany: What can be said about these people, that some of them aren't Nazis anymore? I guess I'm supposed to be impressed by that? Not really. Their trains run on time, but then so did their Death trains to Auschwitz. Maybe if their trains were less punctual, it would make everyone feel more relaxed.
: Unfortunately, the Swiss think they're special because they're not part of the . Indeed, despite my best efforts, this country is still politically "neutral", or perhaps a better term is "treasonous".
In an unsuccessful attempt to jolt the doe-eyed citizenry out of their catatonic apathy, I was forced to use my bullhorn at the Zurich train station and give them something to think about, high-volume style. The central theme of my call to action was that if they didn't stand for something, they'd fall for anything. Yet not one citizen thanked me for my sage words, post-speech. That's certainly the last time I try to help a country by remembering a bumper sticker and then repeating it over and over again. Make no mistake, I will not be expending that level of effort in the future.
In the future, I will send email messages in massive quantities to all of Switzerland. These messages will contain pictures of American troops holding a litter of kittens. At the bottom of every email message will be a reminder that our troops are coming soon to liberate all Swiss citizens from apathy. Preferably with deadly force.
So anyway, my trip was really fun. Check out my pics, coming soon!
You know when people post those flyers on telephone poles that say, "Have you seen this dog?"
As a serious blogger, it is my responsibility to watch over mainstream news websites in order to advocate the responsible use of words, syllable-usage and sometimes even individual letters.
Now that hype surrounding the vampire movie "Twilight" has diminished, I can safely file it under "decidedly unimportant", (one of the main qualifiers for Not Totally Inept subject material) and write about it. Let's get started.
In a poor attempt to redeem itself, they play a good Radiohead song at the end of the movie. If you were stupid, you might think this to be a redeeming quality. However, not so, because it had the simultaneous effect of being totally meaningless to the entire target demographic of the film (7-9 year olds), and making me bitter that I'm now at the age where I'm concerned about the lack of musical taste evident in today's youth. This may sound complicated, and it is. It's a veritable rabbit hole of self-despair and introspection. Just take my word for it.
As I understand it, there are 3 more full-length Twilight films slated, which I will tentatively refer to as "3 steaming piles of excrement" until I know differently. Maybe for the second film, the director will watch a fight of two claymation dinosaurs for special effects inspiration. Or here's a suggestion: Watch "Interview with a Vampire", a film in which Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt's characters are obviously gayer than a french horn, no ambiguity. That's honest film-making right there.
Vampires with ambiguous sexual preferences--very distracting, to say the least. Let's hope Twilight "II", Return of the Hermaphroditic Roadrunner, handles this delicate subject matter with the same care that I've shown here.
Let's get right to it, so there can be no mistake about the topics at hand. Firstly, America is a country of extremes, please don't argue with me about that. We even have a deodorant called "Extreme", if I recall correctly. It's fine to make deodorant with that name, but the problem is, we don't know how to do anything in moderation. If an enormous meteor called moderation crashed into the earth at 97,000 mph, we would just go buy a 42-liter Pepsi or something.