Not Totally Inept

Breath-takingly insightful, if you're really dumb.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Before I even get started, I want to emphasize that I have nothing against black people. No, I'm kidding. I think I actually stole that line from one of Hitler's early interoffice memos. I bet you were pretty nervous about where that was headed, though. Personally, I think you should relax. Several studies have linked high stress levels to abdominal, or "belly" fat. Last I checked, belly fat was disgusting, and I don't think it's going to be any different when you get it.

Your nervous energy aside, it's high time to get back to basics at Not Totally Inept. To accomplish this, I will utilize one of my primary tenets, which states Maybe it's good to categorize others in negative ways. Always within reason, though. For instance, say someone you don't like is poor, or has a slightly asymmetrical face. That stuff is obviously fair game. Even if their standing in society is only 1 level below yours, let's be upfront about those shortcomings. Let's have an honest dialogue about that.

Later on, though. Right now it's time to concentrate on the business of today's topic, Why You Shouldn't work In A Mall During the Holidays, Unless You Were Already Going To Kill Yourself Anyway. I'm not playing around, things have reached a boiling point at Hollister Co., and can no longer be ignored like the time you french-kissed your cousin. You kissed him, don't lie to me.

Believe me, I've made every effort to prevent this site from turning into a brilliantly written anti-consumerist manifesto, but it's no use--the truth must be spoken. Actually, I still don't understand anything about the economy or politics, so it probably won't be spoken this time around. Plus, I buy frivolous crap like Hollister t-shirts and xbox headsets, which is tough to defend no matter where you're standing. I guess the point is, you can buy frivolous crap, and you can even buy it from Hollister Co., just try not to be so annoying while you're doing it. Below you will find a list of responses I created ahead of time for customers, so they can just read it, in lieu of having me stab them to death.

1. The music is this loud because I hate you. If the music were not so loud, then you would enjoy life more, which doesn't seem like something I'd be into.

2. Yes, I have something against light. Specifically, I knew you liked it, so I made sure that all Hollister stores in America didn't have any of it, in case you decided to shop at one. Now you are here, unwitting pawn, which means my plan has come full circle.

3. Our sizes run this small because you're gigantic.

4. The sleeves are too long because your arms are almost cartoonishly stubby, like Mr. Potato Head, or a T-Rex.

5. No, you can't buy that shirt off the mannequin. I don't know why, you just can't. Some stuff in life is like that, like you not being able to buy that shirt.

6. This is a clearance table, which is Spanish for, "we're desperately hoping you'll buy the last of our totally heinous, otherwise unsaleable crap. Even by our standards, this stuff is garbage. If there were another size, it would also be on this heaping pile of sartorial abominations."

7. No, we can't "open up" another register just because you've been waiting for 11 seconds. I'll tell you what, though. How about if I open up a can of whoop-you-know-what, right on your dome-piece? That seems like a good compromise.

8. Yeah, just sign there on the touch pad. How am I supposed to know where it is, it's almost pitch-black in here. Just take the pen and make short stabbing motions. No, over there. No, over there. No, over there. No, over there. Yeah, there.

Now, the above list may lead you to believe that the holiday season has made me a bitter man, or caused me to wonder why I'm 30 and working retail, or maybe sometimes I cry in the stockroom. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. If you want me to be honest, I have a new appreciation for people, namely women. Think about it, how messed up would that be if men were constantly asking the same questions you've already heard, like, 7 million times, just so they could get with you? In my experience, the woman punches you in the face, making it slightly asymetrical. Am I right, or am I right, ladies? See, I truly understand you lovely creatures. I think one of you should come over later and we'll talk about it some more. If you don't want to, that's cool. Merry Christmas anyway, and relax. You look kind of stressed out, if you catch my drift.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Wal-mart To Introduce Negative Prices

Executives Tire Of Only Being Low-Price Leader, Want To Be Negative-Price Leader Too

(AP) Bentonville, AR -- Since its inception, Wal-Mart has been known for cutting, reducing, and slashing prices. In recent years, the company has even been known to lacerate some of their prices. But many are of the opinion that the bargains come at the cost of the environment, workers' rights, and the annoying part where you have to say hi to Alzheimer's patients in blue vests.

In an apparent attempt to win back customer loyalty, it was announced Friday that nothing will be sold for more than negative 50 cents. While hailed by some analysts as a shrewd and innovative business strategy, and irresponsible by others, one thing is clear: Wal-Mart has a crap load of cash. And now they're just flaunting it. In an effort to convince the American public that sweat-shop like treatment of workers is good, and Dale Earnheardt t-shirts are acceptable as a form of clothing, Wal-Mart spokeswoman Patricia Stinkbody said Friday,

"Wal-Mart is good, seriously. And very powerful. So powerful that we may have to disappear you if you ask any more questions about our policies. It will be like, poof! Where'd you and your family go? No one knows."

A few minutes later, Stinkbody was feeling slightly more generous, and explained why Wal-Mart is not in any way similar to 1940's Nazi Germany.

"In many of our stores there are McDonald's restaurants. Not only that, we now have prices so low that they're all negative. Don't you think that's really great? Say yes, or we'll put you in a special labor camp."

Some Wall Street analysts are skeptical. Senior broker Clarence P. Waspman had a perplexed expression on his face and made this observation. "A product which sells for a negative dollar amount could potentially cause a corporation to accumulate negative profits over the long term, and...see? That's why it's confusing, right there. I can't see why they'd do that."

However, Wal-Mart CEO and President H. Lee Scott remained confident. "What's so hard to understand about a negative price, do you wanna start something with me? It's like a normal price, only negative. To be frank, merchandise which is sold for anything more than minus 1 dollar is boring. It bores me. Conversely, negative sale prices excite me. We already rule, but with the new model, we're totally untouchable. K-Mart? K-who?"

Immediately following his statements, Scott flashed several gang signs and warned others not to step to him.

Other industry-watchers say the latest price adjustments are simply the final masterstroke of founder Sam Walton's ultimate vision, 600,000 Wal-Marts per solar system. There are references to Wal-Earth and Wal-Moon in Walton's autobiography, but most people thought he was kidding. When one reporter questioned the economic viability of Wal-Mart's Neptune expansion project, Scott compared the reporter's genitals to those of a common fruit fly. Indeed, the continual distribution of jobs to the least skilled and most aesthetically offensive citizens in the entire country makes anything seem possible.

Matt Kingsley, paranoid schizophrenic author of Wal-Mart Stores Are Actually Alien Space Pods, said the super-store's latest move has even him dumb-founded. "Truth be told, I'm a complete nutter, but even I can tell that something's not right here. It's like Alice in Wonderland, but with not as much literary value. And more drugs."

In any case, Wal-Mart seems to be changing the minds of some consumers. Randall Schlitzlager of Springfield, Missouri said Thursday, "I heard some crap about the tree huggers not liking Wal-Mart, sure. I don't really give a #$% one way or the other, but when they came out with that deal where you get $200.00 just to drive through their parking lot, how could I say no? Well, initially I did say no because I was watching Judge Judy, but the wife said I was a moron and drove over there herself. Sure enough, they gave her 200 large."

Schlitzlager then pounded a Coors light, smashed it on his forehead, and injected 400 millileters of pure heroin into his left forearm.