Not Totally Inept

Breath-takingly insightful, if you're really dumb.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Wal-mart To Introduce Negative Prices

Executives Tire Of Only Being Low-Price Leader, Want To Be Negative-Price Leader Too

(AP) Bentonville, AR -- Since its inception, Wal-Mart has been known for cutting, reducing, and slashing prices. In recent years, the company has even been known to lacerate some of their prices. But many are of the opinion that the bargains come at the cost of the environment, workers' rights, and the annoying part where you have to say hi to Alzheimer's patients in blue vests.

In an apparent attempt to win back customer loyalty, it was announced Friday that nothing will be sold for more than negative 50 cents. While hailed by some analysts as a shrewd and innovative business strategy, and irresponsible by others, one thing is clear: Wal-Mart has a crap load of cash. And now they're just flaunting it. In an effort to convince the American public that sweat-shop like treatment of workers is good, and Dale Earnheardt t-shirts are acceptable as a form of clothing, Wal-Mart spokeswoman Patricia Stinkbody said Friday,

"Wal-Mart is good, seriously. And very powerful. So powerful that we may have to disappear you if you ask any more questions about our policies. It will be like, poof! Where'd you and your family go? No one knows."

A few minutes later, Stinkbody was feeling slightly more generous, and explained why Wal-Mart is not in any way similar to 1940's Nazi Germany.

"In many of our stores there are McDonald's restaurants. Not only that, we now have prices so low that they're all negative. Don't you think that's really great? Say yes, or we'll put you in a special labor camp."

Some Wall Street analysts are skeptical. Senior broker Clarence P. Waspman had a perplexed expression on his face and made this observation. "A product which sells for a negative dollar amount could potentially cause a corporation to accumulate negative profits over the long term, and...see? That's why it's confusing, right there. I can't see why they'd do that."

However, Wal-Mart CEO and President H. Lee Scott remained confident. "What's so hard to understand about a negative price, do you wanna start something with me? It's like a normal price, only negative. To be frank, merchandise which is sold for anything more than minus 1 dollar is boring. It bores me. Conversely, negative sale prices excite me. We already rule, but with the new model, we're totally untouchable. K-Mart? K-who?"

Immediately following his statements, Scott flashed several gang signs and warned others not to step to him.

Other industry-watchers say the latest price adjustments are simply the final masterstroke of founder Sam Walton's ultimate vision, 600,000 Wal-Marts per solar system. There are references to Wal-Earth and Wal-Moon in Walton's autobiography, but most people thought he was kidding. When one reporter questioned the economic viability of Wal-Mart's Neptune expansion project, Scott compared the reporter's genitals to those of a common fruit fly. Indeed, the continual distribution of jobs to the least skilled and most aesthetically offensive citizens in the entire country makes anything seem possible.

Matt Kingsley, paranoid schizophrenic author of Wal-Mart Stores Are Actually Alien Space Pods, said the super-store's latest move has even him dumb-founded. "Truth be told, I'm a complete nutter, but even I can tell that something's not right here. It's like Alice in Wonderland, but with not as much literary value. And more drugs."

In any case, Wal-Mart seems to be changing the minds of some consumers. Randall Schlitzlager of Springfield, Missouri said Thursday, "I heard some crap about the tree huggers not liking Wal-Mart, sure. I don't really give a #$% one way or the other, but when they came out with that deal where you get $200.00 just to drive through their parking lot, how could I say no? Well, initially I did say no because I was watching Judge Judy, but the wife said I was a moron and drove over there herself. Sure enough, they gave her 200 large."

Schlitzlager then pounded a Coors light, smashed it on his forehead, and injected 400 millileters of pure heroin into his left forearm.

39 Comments:

At 6:15 PM, Blogger jay are said...

Another insightful and informative offering for us to digest. Neptune, huh? Seriously. Wow. This is, like, bigger than global.

For other Walmart news to make you steam, google the story about the guy who tried to get a large check cashed and they gave him the most ridiculous hassle. A woman from the same company normally had been coming in for ages getting similar checks cashed with no incident. This time the company sent him. Guess what color she is. Guess what color he is.

Anyway, GO WALMART. yeah.

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

russell schlitzlager... i think i know him.

in fact, didn't he used to own the manhattan in athens, ga, with a ginormous sign flaunting the first part of his last name underneath a pictoral representation of a mug of his foamy, tasty brew?

oh, no? then i don't know him.

if you've never been lucky enough to be in a wal-mart during their team member cheer/chant thingy, consider yourself among those beloved by god.

 
At 7:50 PM, Blogger jay are said...

a walmart employee cheer???
I'm so sorry to have missed that thus far.

 
At 1:30 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sure, it might sound as though Walmart wil loose money on this negative pricing scheme, but they'll make up for it with volume. Also, they already own you, so if they give you money, they are, in effect, just giving it to themselves.

 
At 10:52 PM, Blogger particleman said...

i agree with financial analyst. i think the key here is volume. lots of people don't think on a large enough scale. to really understand the magnitude behind this new pricing structure, you'll need to think about things in the grand scheme of things.

i just don't know if this blog's readers are capable of such a feat.

also, juebpt.

 
At 4:53 AM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

particleman, you're probably right. i try to think as little as possible in the grand scheme of things, especially if there's an easier, more "instant gratificationy" way to think about things. so i tend to think about things that are shiny.

ooh, there's some vplrixaz covered in tinfoil!

 
At 1:36 PM, Blogger Rob said...

one time i went to walmart...

 
At 3:24 PM, Blogger jay are said...

gee, thanks Bryan.

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger Lois Lane said...

For your virtual Christmas gift, I am sending you a 40 oz. Schlitz and a Dale E shirt. Yes, Erik, Dale Jr. and Sr. because damn it, you are worth it. Besides, I think it's good to keep those 9 year olds in Taiwan working. Walmart HERE I COME!
Lois Lane

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger jay are said...

Great gift, Lois. And so perfect for Erik!! Lucky guy.

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

one time i went to band camp.

but that doesn't work here, because i'm more of a singer, and we don't use many instruments.

 
At 6:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Erik, has a ninja ghost come through here recently?

If walmart becomes the "negative price leader," that will mean that other companies are following. amazon.com, cheesecake factory, nine west. I eschew customer bases but I'd join them for negative pricing.

 
At 6:12 PM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

hee hee... my favorite new euphemism is "ninjas".

 
At 8:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

heather feather, euphemism for what? I can think of so many good possibilities.

poop-- "gotta go set a few dangerous ninjas free, brb"

old ladies -- "man! the supermarket is full of ninjas on saturday morning! It's a Death Zone!"

candy canes -- "how bout those ninjas on my christmas tree?"

varicose veins -- "i've got a ninja wrapped around my leg"

interns -- "there's so much collating to be done! call the ninjas!"

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

less funny than that... more in the "no one can approach the ninjas without having to pass through intensely challenging tests and questions first."

here's a visual of the origin of the euphemism.

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger Rob said...

we bow before the ninjas

 
At 12:02 AM, Blogger jay are said...

do, like, mini ninjas count as real ninjas?

 
At 12:03 AM, Blogger jay are said...

and I'm curious how walmart's negative prices digressed to negative ninjas.

 
At 8:48 AM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

all ninjas count as ninjas, regardless of size.

and it's because erin started talking about ninja ghosts.

how did the last post's comments turn into cowboy-sheep relations? (speaking of cowboys, brokeback mountain based on e. annie proulx's short story opens this week.)

 
At 12:41 AM, Blogger Rob said...

e annie proulx! she does the language extremely goodly. her sentences make me feel the warmingliness inside. yay! zgzygz!

 
At 5:28 AM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

me too for the warmingliness and e annie proulx! although i never like her stuff when i'm reading it - only in reflection later... when i'm reflecting is when the warmingliness comes, and then i do the rereading and the happiness happens.

 
At 2:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, THOSE ninjas. jay are, ninjas may come in various shapes and guises but they are always to be taken seriously.

re: e. annie-- what is the "e" meaning and I also can't to pronouncing the surname.
Prool?
Prowl?
Prowcks?

 
At 3:50 PM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

yeah, her name's a bit mind boggling - which is why i'm glad i've never said it aloud. i would guess closer to prool. (like drool, except closer to pool, which is also like drool, and they're all different)

and as far as the "e" i'll guess something like elizabeth (although it could just be something like elspeth or ethel or ernestine that she doesn't care for). in fact, in the story (located here) she is just callin' herself annie.

these comments have gone from walmart to euphemisms to literature.

no one can say erik's readers have narrow interests.

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

it's edna.

 
At 9:06 PM, Blogger jay are said...

I think I'd most likely go by Annie too. Good move there, Edna

And back to Walmart, you know what really bothers me? Their ad on the radio says something about "come to Walmart for the most stylish home decor" or something to that effect. Okay, let's get real here. It'd be a lot easier to believe anything that Walmart stated if they said things a little closer to the truth. The MOST STYLISH HOME DECOR? I hardly think so. Maybe it isn't so bad and maybe some pieces could be called stylish but the "most stylish" part kind of gives me pause and puts their credibility seriously on the line.

 
At 10:43 PM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

um, okay, i've bought furniture at walmart before because i was highly underpaid for doing some of the most difficult work i've ever done, and that was the only store in rural maine that sold furniture for 40 miles.

it ain't stylish. it's all particleboard with cheap paper veneer and i HATE putting together furniture myself.

i've never owned a pievce of furniture i didn't have to assemble.

i think that when i get pre-assembled furniture i will consider myself a true grown-up.

what's up with garth, latifah, destiny's child, and martina all doing annyoing christmas commercials for walmart?

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger jay are said...

it must be some sort of conspiracy. maybe some sort of negative dollar kickbacks on super ultra top-of-the-line stylish home day-core.
I don't mean to sound snobby. I've bought items at Walmart, and it's great for things like toys, school products, paper/house products. I just wouldn't consider it the place to get your happenin' stylin' stuff, that's all.

 
At 3:43 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

Oh Ept One.......

Were you at the Yardhouse on Saturday night? I was. Did you see the fellas dressed in the Christmas Atrocities? I did. Did you get a picture of your coworker with them posed around them? Me neither (but we did get a picture of them posing).

Like I commented on YBBB, I woulda called you, but that would have meant calling people in OR, and I didn't know if we'd even go out after the party.......

 
At 1:27 PM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

erik, do you still live here? or has that southern california beach lifestyle sucked you into its grasp, rendering you too busy with your 5 am surfing followed by jamba juice and organic breakfast burritos to pay attention to us. your audience. the most important people in your life.

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger Lois Lane said...

Okay you comment hoarder. Get back to the business at hand. I offered up the BEST gift EVER and I didn't even get a thank you card! See the picture of angry young Lois??? Yeah well that's how I look right now. Fear me! And write something! And it better be funny!
Okay bye.
Lois Lane

 
At 4:27 PM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

look!

cobwebs!

crickets!

tumbleweeds!

 
At 10:35 PM, Blogger jay are said...

skulls!

random bones!

the burnt out shell of a former Walmart!

traces of a prior civilization!

 
At 4:38 PM, Blogger Happy Birthday! said...

Erik Tires Of Being Only Low Number of Posts Leader, Wants to Be Negative-Number of Posts Leader Too

 
At 2:45 AM, Blogger jay are said...

he's certainly proving himself to be a leader there!

 
At 10:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Really low prices ..... really.

Wal-Mart has been trying to open a bank - I can see the "higher ups" thinking, "Wonder what it would be like if Americans just handed their money straight to wal-mart? no purchases .... just handed it over." hmmmmm......

Here is a link about it: http://blog.wakeupwalmart.com/ufcw/2005/12/update_on_the_b.html#comments

 
At 8:58 PM, Blogger Lois Lane said...

Hey Roxy! Great "seeing" you! E-mail me so we can type about this slacker brother of yours eh? :)
Lois Lane
P.S. Merry Christmas happy new year and all that jazz.

 
At 10:07 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

All I want for Christmas is a new post from Erik
A new post from Erik
A new post from Erik

 
At 7:41 PM, Blogger Erik said...

i would like to take this time to say that you guys rule. also, i did a new post! it's very mediocre, everyone should read it right now!

 
At 9:14 PM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

give yourself some credit-it was funny except the part where you told me that i was fat and unappealing.

and you are totally right - i'd punch you in the face for asking me that question 7 million times. asymmetrical warfare at its finest. like the terrorists, except women are right.

 

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