Wal-mart To Introduce Negative Prices

Executives Tire Of Only Being Low-Price Leader, Want To Be Negative-Price Leader Too

(AP) Bentonville, AR -- Since its inception, Wal-Mart has been known for cutting, reducing, and slashing prices. In recent years, the company has even been known to lacerate some of their prices. But many are of the opinion that the bargains come at the cost of the environment, workers' rights, and the annoying part where you have to say hi to Alzheimer's patients in blue vests.

In an apparent attempt to win back customer loyalty, it was announced Friday that nothing will be sold for more than negative 50 cents. While hailed by some analysts as a shrewd and innovative business strategy, and irresponsible by others, one thing is clear: Wal-Mart has a crap load of cash. And now they're just flaunting it. In an effort to convince the American public that sweat-shop like treatment of workers is good, and Dale Earnheardt t-shirts are acceptable as a form of clothing, Wal-Mart spokeswoman Patricia Stinkbody said Friday,

"Wal-Mart is good, seriously. And very powerful. So powerful that we may have to disappear you if you ask any more questions about our policies. It will be like, poof! Where'd you and your family go? No one knows."

A few minutes later, Stinkbody was feeling slightly more generous, and explained why Wal-Mart is not in any way similar to 1940's Nazi Germany.

"In many of our stores there are McDonald's restaurants. Not only that, we now have prices so low that they're all negative. Don't you think that's really great? Say yes, or we'll put you in a special labor camp."

Some Wall Street analysts are skeptical. Senior broker Clarence P. Waspman had a perplexed expression on his face and made this observation. "A product which sells for a negative dollar amount could potentially cause a corporation to accumulate negative profits over the long term, and...see? That's why it's confusing, right there. I can't see why they'd do that."

However, Wal-Mart CEO and President H. Lee Scott remained confident. "What's so hard to understand about a negative price, do you wanna start something with me? It's like a normal price, only negative. To be frank, merchandise which is sold for anything more than minus 1 dollar is boring. It bores me. Conversely, negative sale prices excite me. We already rule, but with the new model, we're totally untouchable. K-Mart? K-who?"

Immediately following his statements, Scott flashed several gang signs and warned others not to step to him.

Other industry-watchers say the latest price adjustments are simply the final masterstroke of founder Sam Walton's ultimate vision, 600,000 Wal-Marts per solar system. There are references to Wal-Earth and Wal-Moon in Walton's autobiography, but most people thought he was kidding. When one reporter questioned the economic viability of Wal-Mart's Neptune expansion project, Scott compared the reporter's genitals to those of a common fruit fly. Indeed, the continual distribution of jobs to the least skilled and most aesthetically offensive citizens in the entire country makes anything seem possible.

Matt Kingsley, paranoid schizophrenic author of Wal-Mart Stores Are Actually Alien Space Pods, said the super-store's latest move has even him dumb-founded. "Truth be told, I'm a complete nutter, but even I can tell that something's not right here. It's like Alice in Wonderland, but with not as much literary value. And more drugs."

In any case, Wal-Mart seems to be changing the minds of some consumers. Randall Schlitzlager of Springfield, Missouri said Thursday, "I heard some crap about the tree huggers not liking Wal-Mart, sure. I don't really give a #$% one way or the other, but when they came out with that deal where you get $200.00 just to drive through their parking lot, how could I say no? Well, initially I did say no because I was watching Judge Judy, but the wife said I was a moron and drove over there herself. Sure enough, they gave her 200 large."

Schlitzlager then pounded a Coors light, smashed it on his forehead, and injected 400 millileters of pure heroin into his left forearm.