This post is about dogs. Do you have one? If yes, big whoop, I got my first dog when I was about 4. Maybe some of you have a baby. Again, that doesn't impress me. As far as I know, dogs are essentially the same thing as babies, only more agile. Babies will just kind of lie there like human play-doh, unless you poke at their bodies--whereas dogs are more apt to take control and do things on their own. Another way the two organisms differ is that dogs can sense when it's going to rain before babies can. In many cases, a baby won't even know it's raining if you put him outside during a rainstorm. How pathetic is that? He'd probably be more confused than anything. And next comes the crying, something a dog would not do. I can almost guarantee you a dog's not going to cry in that same situation. Anyway, if anyone ever sees a baby sitting out there in the rain, don't worry because a meddlesome neighbor will often call Child Protective Services, who may or may not send a representative to your house. At this point, the whole scenario might get blown out of proportion. However, that's where the superiority of the dog comes to an end.

In fact, dogs have not been high on my list of things that are super-tight for quite some time now, and the reason is very simple: The majority of canines today have no respect for themselves. Used to be, dogs would only be rabid killers, or at the very least, duck hunters. In extreme situations, they would act as companions. But they would be companions to a lumberjack or steel worker only, because they understood basic dog principles. If an effiminate man or a retarded high school girl from Laguna Beach wanted to be a dog owner, the dog would just attack them. And rightly so. Or, if the dog was in a pleasant mood, it might just run away after everybody got home from the pet store. And then come back later and attack. The time frame in which the mauling occurs is irrelevant, the point is, dogs attack if the owner is not up to par. Or should I say, they used to.

Nowadays, many dogs will let anyone own them, and although it pains me to say, it makes logical sense. Imagine for a moment that you're a chihuahua. What have you got going for you? Exactly, nothing. For Halloween, I guess you could be a vampire bat, which would actually be a pretty good costume. But that's really it. Now consider that a blonde girl from Orange County with an IQ in the low-to-mid 60's suddenly wants to take you everywhere in a stupid oversized purse that costs 950 dollars. That's not too bad right there. Plus, she could have hot friends. You'd still only be a chihuahua, but now you're mobbin' in a Louis Vuitton bag. Which could be cool.

Some may argue that the dog is merely a victim of this recent trend, a preposterous fad which dictates that women carry their chitzus around the mall with them as they buy capri pants. However, to pin the blame for this on the woman is simply unfair, because if a fashion magazine says to puree live cockroaches in a plastic bowl, turn it upside down, and wear it as a hat, a woman will do it. So I'd appreciate it if we could dispense with the broad, sweeping generalizations about an entire gender. If someone walking by happened to believe in equal rights for women and they heard you, I don't think they'd be too happy. What would you do if you were a woman and couldn't think of any other ways to make your girlfriends jealous? You'd likely buy a dog and take him to the mall. Point made. At some point chihuahuas must learn to assume some responsibility for their individual actions, and bite themselves to death. No one wants them around anyway, except for bat-lovers and other deviants.

Let me leave you with this thought. White Fang tore out the trachea of more than one savage beast in his time. Ripped them right out, blood spewing this way and that. Yes, There was bloodshed, my friends. Noble and moral bloodshed, the way it should be. Now envision a rat-dog, carried down Rodeo Drive by Nicki Hilton. Presumably in search of some spare collagen or a cockroach hat. Somewhat uninspiring by contrast, is it not? Indeed, we must allow dogs to empower themselves and return to the roots of rustic dogs of yore.

Also, the scientific name for domestic dogs is canis familiaris, I looked it up. If anyone has a rebuttal for that last fact, I'd be interested in hearing it. But I don't think you do.

Next issue?