Even People With Dentures Can Be Taught New Things

I'm not going to lie. When you read this story, you may find yourself questioning my decision to push an elderly man into a wicker laundry basket at Target yesterday. As if I need an excuse, am I right you guys?? Old people, I swear! I'm not even attracted to them!! It all started when he was walking in front of me going negative 1 miles per hour. Now, the last time I checked, most modern societies require that you should at least know how to walk before going out in public. One of the most basic rules for walking is that you need to actually LIFT each foot off the ground before you start trying to move it in front of the other one. You don't get to just slide your feet across the floor. If all you're doing is sliding, then you can slide both of those wrinkled things across the floor directly to the nearest nursing home, and walk like a brain-damaged penguin over there. Target is simply not the place for it. If you don't want to use any turn signals on the way to mall, I suppose that's your prerogative. But once you've arrived at your intended shopping destination (if you even remember where that is), it'd be nice if you could walk normally. Not too much to ask.

Another request which I find perfectly reasonable, is for old people not to set up an FBI roadblock with their cart on every single aisle. I've got candle-holders on my right, wicker baskets on my left, and directly in front of me, a nearly inanimate human with an ungodly number of prostate exams under his belt. Willfully flouting all known definitions of "walk". The way I saw it, I could either slide past him carefully and give him a little elbow, or slide past without giving an elbow. Let's just say it was elbow Tuesday.

What, I couldn't help it! Before you get all hot around the collar, perhaps you'll allow me the small courtesy of explaining where I'm coming from, so you can support my actions. What it comes down to is, I don't have any patience or self-control, and I lash out like a manic person when things aren't going my way. Just to give you an idea, I'll ram a cop car if the situation is right, and have done so several times in the past. You might see this as counter-productive to the general goal of not being arrested, but I don't see it that way. What I see are red anger blotches in my brain, which leave me no choice but to react. With swift violence. Now that I've shown what I'm capable of during extreme situations, can you see why I have no qualms about assaulting an elderly person? Oh really...well how can you call the police when you haven't even finished reading my story? C'mon, be serious.

What I hope you've learned from this is that someday you'll be old and ripe-smelling, too. You know that indefinable musty smell? That's the one I'm talking about. Anyway, you'll be absent-mindedly browsing for some stupid picture frame you don't need, and I'll come out of nowhere and just give you a mighty shove. So keep your head on a swivel. Mom, that goes for you, too. As you're aware, I'm quite fond of you and the sacrifices you've made for our family, but you haven't exactly been setting olympic records for walking speed lately. I've seen flashes of potential and some definite improvement since you started Pilates, but you're still coming up a little shy of the mark.

p.s. If it makes anyone feel better, the wrinkled man eventually pulled himself out of the wicker basket, and sprayed me with mace. Then I tasered him. Luckily, security stepped in before things got out of hand. He was a battler, I'll give him that.

p.p.s. For the rest of you: Just because you wasted a few minutes reading something of questionable literary and moral value that's tasteless and is in no way factual, remember this: Some guy for the New York Times fabricated sources, quotes, and sometimes entire stories, and he did it for several months on end. So quell your angry impulses. Without impulse-control, we are the same as the animals. Which is exactly what you're being right now.