There's a lot of hullabaloo in the health and psychology magazines these days about how to engage in non-acrimonious relationships with other humans, a skill made obsolete by the invention of console video games. While it would be accurate to say I don't actually read those magazines, that's probably what they talk about. I guess the main reason I don't read more of them is that I'm already quite knowledgeable on the subject. Not to be cocky, but the amount of knowledge I possess would probably power the sun, if I could harness it properly.

So here's my concern: What if I my understanding of this topic is so great that decades of research and clinical trials are as tiny anthills compared to my towering mountains of knowledge? To account for this possibility, I'm going to publish some of my best stuff right now. You'll notice that much of what I talk about is standard-industry stuff, but with a few tweaks. The result of this was that most of my concepts are now indistinguishable from something a 5-year-old would come up with. Luckily, that's pretty much par for the course with my material, so there we go and no harm done.

Let's start with the mistaken but widely held belief that you shouldn't hate yourself if you want someone else to love and respect you. Many experts, or morons, I should say, agree with this. Unfortunately, there are more holes in this theory than swiss cheese. Maybe I'll just call it the swiss cheese theory. Who needs both love and respect? No one, really. No respect is fine, because the person would still have love, which is like going 1 for 2 on the basketball court. If I'm shooting 50% on the hardcourts, that's a percentage I can live with as a coach, any day of the week. It's like, oops, you missed the shot at gaining respect in this lifetime, kid. But if there's reincarnation, you could go out there in the game of life and give it another try. Maybe you'll come back as a powerful lion. Name me one person who doesn't respect a lion. I take it by your silence that you are unable to produce such a person. Point made.

Oh look, here's the latest issue of Psychology Today, and there's a section where crazy people write in and ask for advice. I wonder what it says.

Dear Dr. Spankenhauser,

I feel like my girlfriend and I are drifting apart. More accurately, it's like she's in a motor boat, speeding away. She says I don't have any interests of my own, I follow her around the house, and I have no long term goals. The truth is, I don't even have short-term goals. Should I mention this error of hers or let it go? I really want to save this relationship. I also like to call her when she's at work, over and over again. If it makes a difference, she has booty for days. What do you think?

Pathetic and Lonely in Minneapolis

Ok, this one is tricky, I don't think I can trust Dr. Spunkhowzer with it. I'll take over here.


P&L,

Definitely call her at work and explain that if she can't love you for who you are, then you will change everything about yourself in order for that to be possible. Tell her you're open to changing anything, including your rib cage structure, birth order, and personality, even if that was mostly determined by genetics. The core of who you are is simply a distraction which interferes with the larger purpose, which is to get her to love you. Finally, ask her to rescue you and make you feel safe, because women like to care for their boyfriends as they would helpless children.

This should work, but on the off chance she never speaks to you again, there will likely be a grieving process for both of you. For her grieving process, please direct her to my office. Notice my grieving hours of 11 pm to 4 am. This is gonna be hot, I mean, good luck.

So there it is. Yet one more mind and soul, healed. Why does no one pay me to be a counselor, you ask? Seriously, you're asking? Wow.