Leaders of Tomorrow? More Like Nerds of Tomorrow

I read yesterday that teens now are having fewer babies, committing less crime, and doing fewer drugs than teens of the 70's. What's up, modern-day teens?! You're comfortable with the 70's teens being more physically attractive, tougher, and open-minded than you? I'm at something of a loss here. I'm a fairly quick study, but I'll admit that even I'm having trouble with this one. Maybe the goal of today's teen is to get a PhD in how to be a nerd, I don't know. Is there a special medal you get now for excelling in academics? I must've missed the memo.

Let me put it simply, in a way that even sexually repulsive teens with no criminal record can understand: Preparing for the future is fine, but not if it means not experimenting with heroin. Abstaining from controlled substances might seem sensible, but I'm going to let you teens in on a little secret--some things are just too good to pass up, heroin being one of them. What's that? No, say it again. It sounded a lot like a nerdy teen whining about the irrepairable destruction of family and personal relationships. In fact, it sounded exactly like that. C'mon, I don't see that happening. There's a possibility (albeit very remote) that your family and friends would continue to speak with you, even as you repeatedly pawn their personal belongings to get high. Plus, some of you are only 13, that's why they call it "experimenting". And some of you are 18, and that's why they call it "a habit". But I'm getting off track. Whatever you want to do is fine. Nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to be ashamed of at all, if you don't mind being a total loser who's too scared to do coke once in awhile.

Ok, I can see my message is not getting through, which leads me to one conclusion: In addition to being less violent and more conscious of your sexual health than the generation before you, you have almost no reading comprehension skills. So let me try a different tactic. Do you want me to tell all your friends you've never even vandalized anything before, is that it? Is it that you're too good to vandalize something? Trust me, it's not that difficult. I once fire-bombed 2 mobile home parks before breakfast, and I wasn't even trying. And I'm betting the typical 70's teen could do that and more. In the 70's, a typical teen would probably take a short lunch break and rob a 7-11 without even thinking about it, and then use a rocket launcher on another, reducing it to rubble. For fun. Because it was the right thing to do. Today's weak-minded teens (you) would probably stand in the candy aisle for 20 minutes trying to work up the courage to steal some Good N' Plenty's. Also, Good N' Plenty's are disgusting, so you would lose points there as well.

Indeed, the teens of yesteryear could pop out babies like the human race was at stake. By contrast, it seems that today's teens couldn't get pregnant if they went to school naked. In fact, I've seen more promiscuous behavior in an old persons' home, where a majority of the residents are completely dead. Newsflash, teens: Your efforts are pathetic.

To sum up, a lifetime of drug addiction leads to systematic mental and physical decay of the body. Then death, usually alone in an alley. But there’s a chance this might not happen. So I ask: Are you going to be a little baby about it, or are you going to show the 1970’s teens how to party? If current statistics are any indication, you're going to be sitting at home, filling out college applications. And not smoking weed. What am I supposed to say, good job? I don't think so, little nerdlings.