Ah, my young and oft-unfaithful minions. What have you been doing that was so important you couldn't be bothered to check this page up until now? Your behavior repulses me. But let's move past that, and concentrate on the task at hand: Namely, the fact that I have in-depth philosophical conversations with leprechauns. That's right. The thing is, I'm not sure if they're really leprechauns or simply irish dwarves. Is the distinction imortant? I think it is. Or maybe in your mind, a Spaniard is the same as a Mexican? Nice try, Hitler. In fact, I was lying about the leprechaun/dwarf scenario just to test you, and now your blatant xenophobia has made an ugly cameo. Welcome the nazi to the stage, everyone. Sickening.

Anyway, since it's painfully obvious you could use some sensitivity training, I'm here to remind you that St. Patrick's Day is just around the corner. So let's bear a few things in mind as this zany little holiday approaches: a) This is a time when our Irish-American friends consume alcohol in impossible quantities, and b) All Irish people are drunks. I think the statistics back me on this, but if you are skeptical, then I suggest you check this little website I came across: www.imdumbanderikrules.com. Did that work for you? Oh my fault! Maybe you should try this one, www.arockissmarterthanme.net and then after that try this one!!: www.ilust4erikbutheis2hot4me.org!

Whew, that was awesome, thanks for riding that one out. Back to St. (cow)Paddy's Day. While you mull over my various tips on race relations, I'd like to share a few final thoughts. Number one, this holiday was practically invented for the sole purpose of punishing your liver. Take advantage of that, and enough with the moral grandstanding. Number 2, many claim that Thanksgiving, Office Parties, and Groundhog Day should be used as an excuse for knocking back ridiculous amounts of the good sauce; while that is definitely true, these holidays are pretenders at best. St. Patrick's Day is the undisputed champion of drinking holidays, and no one is going to pat you on the back for staying at home and mailing donations to Red Cross. This is a time for making jokes about personal responsibility and limits, and then totally obliterating them until you are dangerously intoxicated. Let me say it another way: Poor decision making and respect (loss of it, for you, by your family and peers) are the watchwords of the day. Death to all neurons and may the devil take the hindmost. For the youngsters out there not familiar with that last saying, you should probably look it up. And then tell me, because I never really got that. (actually, disregard, i just googled it)

In closing, I do more than talk the talk. If history is any indication, I will be lying facedown in my own vomit come the morning of the 18th. So...I won't be taking calls at that time, forward them on to my hot secretary. You lose, I win. Case closed.