V-Day Does Not Mean Violent Day Unless You Shun Me

Does anyone know what day it is? What? Did you say it's that one day where I rock the socks off all the single ladies within a 50-mile radius? Oh yeah, you're probably talking about Valentine's Day, or what the Spanish refer to as 'El Dia del Valentineroni'. I know that sounds a lot like 'pepperoni', but the two words are actually completely unrelated. Valentineroni is just a word I made up, and if you don't know what pepperoni is, that means you need to brush up on the reading skills, because seriously, 'pepperoni' is a ridiculously easy word. Now let's move on, this isn't a free English class for disabled people.

First, I apologize for the abundance of love-related posts lately. Do you want to read about hate and sorrow instead? Maybe since you have so much hate in your heart, you should just write a book about it and then sell it on the black hate market. Anyway, I'm very excited about this year, and I'm going to tell you why. I will start with the general reasons, and then I will begin to bring specifics to the table as well.

If you want me to be frank, Valentine's Day gives me the opportunity to show the ladies what I'm truly capable of. It might be a made-up corporation-driven holiday, but it's my time to shine, and I will buy the crap out of the local Hallmark if left alone for any length of time whatsoever. I mean it, I will go nutty in there. I will take a large rucksack and will not leave until I have enough chocolate to open a Hallmark kiosk directly outside of the original Hallmark. I will buy 16 giant teddy bears, cover them in pig's blood, and sneak them into my ex-girlfriend's bedroom, with a note that says "Could be you". Ok, just kidding. That's not cool.

The other main reason I like this special day is that it gives me a chance to let the ladies in my life know that we are meant to be together forever, until death. Even mysterious, accidental death. Along those lines, this one girl from the gym who I'm just getting to know, will probably be my main valentine this year. We haven't technically "spoken any words to each other" yet, but I will follow her out to the parking lot tonight and give her a surprise Valentine's hug. If that leads to something more, great. If not, she probably had a very satisfying life. Guys, I can't emphasize spontaneity enough. Keep it fresh! As in, don't wear the same thing every day you follow her to work. That's just plain stupid.

Ahh, El Dia del Valentinerondon. Watch for signs of beautiful cupid making his mark, and also for cops asking stupid questions that don't concern them.