Let Freedom Ring And Also Gongs

I'd like to take a few moments out to talk about my executive desk gong, if I could. Well, I got it for Christmas, and I bet you don't even know what an executive desk gong is. It's a percussion instrument consisting of a disk, 3 ft or more in diameter (in the modern orchestra), often made of bronze, and struck with a felt or leather-covered mallet or drumstick. But smaller.

It makes a flat, barely audible pinging sound--I'm guessing the R&D budget is not extravagant if your main product is a desk gong. Not to mention, a regular gong can be nearly deafening in close quarters, whereas a mini-gong is only mildly irritating. Fortunately for those around you, there are several reasons to sound the gong. Some of these ideas were in my gong manual, and some I thought up by myself.

1. Making co-workers feel welcome by way of a small musical announcement when they enter your cubicle. Test cases have shown that you don't want to do this every single time your boss stops by, because he might not find it as funny as it actually is (People in positions of power sometimes get too serious, so you have to slash their tires to remind them to take it easy).

2. Stopping someone in mid-sentence when they get too boring. If they don't understand this obvious signal, gong should be struck in feverish, rapid-fire manner, until they become confused and ask if it's a bad time. Continue rapid gonging until there is no confusion.

3. If you're anything like me, you'll be listening to music in your headphones and think to yourself: "Britney Spears is a brilliant artist of the highest caliber. Yet, even her songs could use something extra". (usually along the lines of a different song). In rare cases though, all that's missing is a little plunking sound at the end: "...and I love what you do, don't you know that you're toxic!" GONG! Yeah!

4. Impress hot asian receptionist with knowledge of the primary instrument of her forefathers. Try to be nonchalant here. The idea is to convey that you have much to offer, and that the gong is just a bonus possession that can be hers if she plays her cards right.

5. Announcement of bathroom breaks. 1 or 2 gongs.

6. As a weapon: When angry at co-workers, give warning gong, declare new decree or statute. New statute is up to you. Hurl instrument at heads of non-compliant.

7. It is time for co-workers to assist in the removal of your coat. Relieve me of my over-dressings, peasants! Gong!

Note: From time to time, fellow employees will come to believe they are above the desk gong. If you feel that the enthusiasm or respect level is not appropriate, let them know that every new gong means a new death in the office. This improves morale because they know it's shape up or ship out. In a coffin!