That Cannot Be A Foul

As you may or may not know, I'm a Sacramento Kings season ticket holder. While this is certainly one of the main reasons I'm great, it is not the only one. Obviously I don't have time to list them all. For now, just continue to admire me as you always have. Pretty babies, hit me up with an email if you get lonely. But let's get back on track, the lucky ladies can wait.

I'm a Kings fan, and I'm not sure if you know what that involves, but it's a position of immense responsibility. There's a wide range of duties a superfan must be willing for, up to and including meticulous evaluation of the Royal Court Dancers' new outfits, clapping loudly 2 inches away from a Laker fan's ear hole, or just making a general contribution to the 'Arco Thunder' [Usage: Let's hear some of that Arco Thunder, superfans!]. Now, there's no denying I'm a superfan, I think anyone will tell you that. However, this does not prevent me from understanding that it might actually be possible for a Kings player to commit a foul. A majority of the Sacramento faithful seem to believe that once inside Arco Arena, Kings players are exempt from all known physical laws of the universe.

Allow me to describe a common scenario. Kings center Brad Miller will gouge out the eyes of the opposing player, or perhaps waterboy, lifting him high into the air, before pile-driving him cartoon-style into the hardwood.

Referee: "Unnecessary pile-driver, causing player to die, on #52, Brad Miller".

Reaction from Kings fans: "What game are you watching, this is ridiculous! That's fake brain matter! Oh c'mon, he's just double-jointed!!"

Second most common scenario: Opponent breathes on Kings player, or perhaps just breathes, in disruptive manner.

Reaction from Kings fans: "He's killing him out there, this is ridiculous! Ref, are you gonna call a foul, or just let that guy draw air into his own lungs and then occasionally expel this air in the general direction of our players?? There, right there, he's exhaling directly ONTO him, are you blind?!"

Then there's the 'incompetent heckler'. This is the fan with zero imagination and no concept of the game of basketball, but with moderate ability to conjugate the verb 'suck' [Usage: "You suck!", "You suck ref!", or "Ref, you suck!"]. Where the incompetent heckler truly shines, though, is in branching out and experimenting with new taunts. My favorite from Thursday's Cavaliers game was "Hey ref! Go back to ref school!". It's slightly abstract, but really quite clever if you think about it for long periods of time. Because the implication is that the referee is currently not proficient and must return to an indeterminate basketball officiating school, where presumably, he will learn to not suck. That's just plain hilarious right there.

Yet I have taken the superfan pledge, I must echo the sentiments of my fellow Kings enthusiasts. "Hey, ref! Are those glasses, I mean, you should have new glasses or something and you suck so bad, too! And ref school, you totally need that!!" (Exchange high fives)