Warning, Idea-Tsunami!! I'm fairly confident my most recent musings will rock your socks off. However, before my latest revelations are unveiled, you should know that the quality control they've been subjected to is frivolous at best. Mainly, if a retarded squirrel could think of it, then that's the quality level we're talking about. But onward. I have assembled some of my more innovative ideas together, like a metaphorical idea squadron, or idea jet-fighter. No, not a jet-fighter. More like the squadron, I guess.

Have you heard of that Fear Factor reality show on NBC? Well don't worry if you haven't, because I thought of a new version which is about 50 times better than the original one. Easily 50 times. Perhaps more, but please don't press me on the exact number. I've clearly said 50, so when you say, "is it 51 maybe?", then that makes me frustrated, because I've already said what the number is.

The first part of the new show would be all of the contestants huddled around a video monitor, watching footage of gruesome freak accidents involving safety cable and harnesses. Then the video would show quadriplegics scooting around in motorized wheel chairs, with tongue-operated steering devices. This is a key component missing from the original show, because how high can the fear factor really be, if you don't even have to worry about being paralyzed afterwards? Maybe NBC should just rename their show "Slightly Disconcerting Factor" if they're going to sidestep the paralyzation thing. So that's my first and most basic improvement.

My next version is to allow only individuals with serious psychological disorders on the show. I'm talking total dysfunction here. Obsessive compulsives, manic depressives, multiple personality disorder, the full gambit. I bet the host doesn't even get past the first set of instructions before total chaos reigns. As far as the stunts, I guess the contestants would just eat each other’s faces off. I’m not saying that’s what all crazy people want to do, ok? But for the vast majority, this is what they like. Saying it's not true is not going to change things.

My final, and perhaps most ingenious brainstorm, is to have the entire show based on brain-altering childhood traumas. The host would bring out your third-grade crush, have her laugh in your face, and then spit on you. Then they'd find the guy who used to beat you up at recess everyday, and bring him out (Damien Rich). He would shove you to the ground and then stand on your head for the whole episode. Then the host says, "Get tough or die, suckers!" Then everyone leaves, and the challenge is to not hate yourself and want to die. I think this would appeal to American viewers, because at some point you have to stand on your own two feet and also support our troops. And I’m not fooling around about the troop support, so no hate mail please.

Those are my latest ideas. If you like them, fine. If not, you probably have some genetic deficiency, which is sad. But there's no free lunch in this life, so don't cry about it.
(see previous paragraph about self-sufficiency)