Remember When We Were Kids? Well That Sucked

Go back for a moment. Back to the beginning. Do you remember when you were but a little child, and the possibilities were endless? When the only real concerns in this life were an almost obsessive need for acceptance, the daily floggings administered by your step-dad, and the uncertainty of where your next meal would come from? Oh to be transported across time and memory, to bask in the blood-red glow of just one more thrashing. Let the sweet smell of my stepfather's studded leather belt permeate my senses and quicken my soul once more. Allow me but one more look into his wild, unforgiving eyes as the belt opens my flesh like a new flower in spring, my mangled epidermis flooded by crimson waves of retribution.

Wow, that was way more dreary than I thought it was going to be, I apologize. I'm not sure what the deal was there, I remember my childhood being significantly less nightmarish than that. Ok, I'm going to come clean here. I'm pumped full of enough Zoloft right now to sedate a small rhinocerous, which could be having an adverse effect on my current world view. But as long as we're on the subject, guess what amigos? Life is one long and miserable series of soul-rending disappointments, and then it's time to pack it in.

Disappointment #1, Spiderman Problem: Like many of my kindergarten classmates, I owned spiderman under-roos, and I had no problems running around fighting various crimes in them. However, I knew one thing was missing, and that was the ability to shoot webs at robbers and people in my grade who I didn't like. Well, the toy store in the mall had spiderman webs for sale, so you can bet I had this one woman who took care of me (let's call her "mom") make that purchase pretty quick. Imagine my chagrin when I discovered these weren't projectile webs, but merely a hair-thin glue-like substance you could string from one side of the door jam to the other. I don't think I need to tell you that this was a bit of a letdown.

Disappointment #2, The Puzzle of The Parrot: I knew that parrots could say words like people did. So obviously, if they had a patient and diligent trainer, a parrot would be able to hold entire conversations.

Yeah, that was a bummer. I think I was midway through 8th grade by the time I got that one straightened out. Actually, I'm still somewhat bitter. C'mon! How hard would it be to just have birds that talk to you? Not that hard!!

Soul-crushing realization #3, The Bird Conundrum: You know how adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up? After about the 75th time I was asked, I started to think there might be more to this question than I had originally surmised. I guess I figured the sky was the limit, as far as stuff you could be when you were older. So I decided I wanted to be a bird. Admittedly, that's exceptionally stupid. I mean, who thinks they will actually be able to transform themselves into a bird? There are several key synapses missing from that thought chain, there's no going around it.

As you can see, I didn't exactly get off to a running start in the hopes and dreams department, and I've basically been behind the 8 ball ever since. Don't try and cheer me up, either, because I'm not having any of it. If you can turn me into a bird, we might have something to talk about, but somehow, no wait, let me guess: You can't do that for me, can you? What a shock.