So I was in san francisco last weekend--and you can stop right there, because I already know what you're thinking. Swarming with gays, right? Well, this is not really a problem for me, because all I do is close my eyes very tightly and stay calm if one walks by. If you do this, you probably will not turn gay. Very simple, very effective. Remember, eye contact only encourages them in their ways.

Anyway, the homosexuals were not the focus of my trip to the big city. No, I was doing a little networking, making a few deals here and there. Not a huge issue. I turn deals faster than most people probably turn open a jar of peanut butter, but big deal. I'm not here to talk about my savvy business acumen, so I'll just allude to it in a passive-agressive tone. For example, I think the fact that I often will choose Target over Walmart tells you all you need to know about my yearly earnings. I can afford the top brands such as Cherokee and Arizona, so why not spoil myself? I play to win. Let's make our judgements from that information, shall we? Because I'm not comfortable discussing the specifics of my wealth, though I have nearly 50 thou in savings alone. Not to mention the $20,035.47 I'm holding in company stock, which I didn't intend to go into--but since you've forced my hand, there you go. And now you're asking me about the several acres of commercial property I own? That's pretty nervy, but I'll play your game. I own 10.5 acres, and you can write that down.

All I ask is that you not judge me solely on how much money I have, but rather on how my possession of that money is indicative of my inherent superiority over all others--others who would possess only a savings account of say, 35 to 40K. If this were Roman times, or even in the era of the Knights of Camelot, that 40K is not going to cut it. It would be off to the dungeons with that person, and without delay.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I paid my car off last month, and I think I'm starting to get a little more respect as a result. If this is not actually the case, I am not too proud to beg for this respect. Basically, if I could get even a sliver of recognition here, that would be nice for a change. What do I have to do, for crap's sake?? For once, I've done something good by paying off my car, and if you people could acknowledge that in some small way, I wouldn't have to make up all this stuff about having an actual balance in my savings account. Ok, I'm actually on food-stamps, are you happy now? I sure hope so.

But seriously, would a quick email be too much to ask? Something simple like, Hey Erik, I hear you paid your car off, good job. P.S. you're looking good in those jeans, have you been doing supersets on the squat machine? I can't help that I'm attracted to you.

There, just copy and paste that into an email, it won't take long. Thanks you guys.