I Guess My Misfortune Amuses You

The following story is about something that happened which was very traumatic for me. I guess that means you'll all love it. Great.

Last week at lunch I was getting some items from the store. Don't ask me what I was getting, they were just some items that were necessary to get. It might've been a mongoose or it might've been something as simple as a grapefruit. I refuse to say. Maybe it was a self-help book for bipolar people who have trouble forming meaningful relationships due to anger management problems. But that's not for you to say. And now I am enraged. Ok I'm better now. As I was exiting the store, I decided to look behind me to see what other stores were around the one I was just in. I've only lived in the same town for 107 years, so it's unclear why I would need to do that. Yet nothing I do is without a purpose, everything is calculated. I'm asking you to trust my instincts.

Now, if you're hanging off the edge of your seat, desperately wondering what will happen next, you're faking, and you know it. This story would get maybe one star in even the most lenient grading system. A paralyzed infant with no head and little stubby fingers could probably write a story that would make this one look like crap-on-a-stick. But you might as well finish it since you're here. I know, that's depressing. How do you think I feel? I have to sit here and act like this is top-notch stuff.

Anyway, I was walking forward but not looking forward, so the direction my torso was facing was in opposition to the direction my face was...facing. I'm fairly certain there was also a lady with desirable physical qualities somewhere nearby, who yearned for me romantically. If there wasn't, I would be a little surprised. You might want to know how that's relevant. Well, I can't think of even one possible explanation. You nailed me on that one. But I'm betting most of all, you just want this story to end so you can move on. Move on to what? Settle down. I was walking forward, and then I heard a sound that was eerily similar to what one would hear if they launched their head into a concrete pillar they didn't see. Then I saw something that was eerily similar to my glasses* twirling magestically off my head and into the parking lot.

At this point, there was no denying it--I had eerily launched my head into a concrete pillar. Almost immediately, I found myself wishing this were not the case. It also made me think of my brother, who sometimes does this thing where he's walking along and pretends he just walked into a pole by hitting it with his hand (for sound effect), and jerking his head back quickly to simulate contact. For the briefest of moments, I thought, "maybe I'm just doing that thing he does, and I'm only dizzy right now because I have a lot on my mind." Then there was blood and increased dizziness, and I knew better. Then I became angry at my brother for not teaching me how to bash my head the pretend way. Is my pain funny to you? Phil? That's right, I said your name.

The moral is that your siblings, if you have any, are probably trying to harm you in malicious and insidious ways. And then they will steal your birthright, and inheritance, if applicable. Hey, I never said this story wouldn't end with a solemn and depressing tone. I only promised it would be of below average quality, and I think I've kept my word on that.


*I often wear glasses, rather than contacts, during the work day. I do this as a show of support to the blind people. Like, "Hey you guys, we're a team. My vision is still way better than yours could ever be (let's not forget, you're blind) but these glasses I'm wearing are my way of honoring your life, which would be immeasurably better, if you could only see something. ANYthing. I'm SO glad I'm not totally blind. Although you wouldn't know it from this story, I'll give you that much."