You Want Advice? Well That's Lucky Because I Have Some Right Here
Quite often various people in my life will come to me for advice. This seems weird to me, since I'm currently 0 for 439 on the helpful kind. But I'm not about to quit now. Recently, a co-worker presented to me a rather dicey ethical dilemma: A friend of his, Lisa, had just won an all-expense paid 1-week cruise to Jamaica for two. The question was, should he tell his current girlfriend that he was going on a business trip and then go on the cruise with Lisa, or should he not go at all? Well, lucky for him, I have a little technique I like to call "virtual honesty". This is where you say you're going on a business trip, and then you go on the cruise, but in your mind, you go on the business trip. Life is primarily about perception.
However, my co-worker failed to see the value in this, and proceeded to drone on about his current girlfriend, personal responsibility, trust, and a bunch of other new age terms I wasn't that into. I'm like, English please! I never did get what his whole point was, but I wasn't really listening. Plus, it was probably boring. I think I better just transcribe the conversation, so you can see how I handled things. When you see me saying cool stuff, that's really how it happened, but I probably also had a cool look on my face while I was saying it.
Him: [paraphrased] blah blah blah, I want to do the right thing blah, blah blah, my problems are dumb and boring.
Me: Are you asking me to go on the cruise with your friend, is that it? If she's a 6 or above, I'm in. I just don't have time for your little games, or this "turning point in your life" you're referring to.
Him: Why would I want you to go on the cruise? Are you serious?
Me: As a heart attack, my friend (I'm not sure how serious I was, but I like that phrase, and I had to stand by it).
Him [dumb look on face] : You're a freak, why do I even talk to you?
Me: I don't know, maybe because I'm awesome? Get real!
Him: [something dumb]
I can't really remember how the rest of it went, but I think he left my cubicle shortly thereafter. If you're going to talk in riddles about metaphysical ethology, or whatever, good riddance! Plus, I will thank you not to question my rulings in my own cubicle.
Nevertheless, there are a few lessons to be learned from this, which I'll share with you now. Number one, if you think someone wants your advice, but there's no chance of you even going on a cruise or anything, call them on it! Cruise or no cruise? You need to find out where you stand. Number two, just because you know an awesome phrase like "serious as a heart attack", you don't have to use it all the time. I guess that one's mostly for me. Lastly, if a co-worker starts talking to you about something non-work-related, it could be possible for you to have him or her fired, if you pull the right strings. I haven't really researched this one yet. I suppose you could also file a fraudulent sexual harassment claim if nothing else is working. Refer to your employee handbook.
Alright you guys, keep those questions coming. Odds are, I will one day dispense a piece of advice that is both useful and relevant, all at the same time. Although that chance is so small it might not even be a number anymore, I'm not sure how that works. But I will never give up, you have my word.
posted by Erik @ 12:20 PM
10 Comments:
As wonderful as your advice really is I still can't help but wonder, did he stay or go? Lie or tell the truth??? Enquiring minds wanna know. Personally, I would have said "Hey sweetheart, if you don't take me on a cruise right this minute, I am taking off with someone who will." That way I wouldn't have to "ask for permission" or feel the need to lie.
Lois Lane
I think you handled that pretty well. That stuff he said was totally dumb and not relevant. Forget about the business-trip story, though. He should tell his GF he's working late and just sleeping at the office under his cubicle desk. In a sleeping bag. That way, she'll know he's a really dedicated person and goes that extra mile. GFs like that sort of thing.
oh, but p-man, how to explain the tan/sunburn (i'm no expert on the pastiness levels of total strangers) when he returns? UNLESS he tells the GF that he got a new job as a cabana boy in the OC, and when he says "cubicle" he means cabana and when he says "sleeping bag" he means lawn chair.
> "Me: I don't know, maybe because I'm awesome? Get real!"
(erik, this is the second time i've wondered if you really are napoleon dynamite in disguise. are you?)
I'm surprised you guys have your own suggestions, as my initial ones were the best ones ever conceived of in human times. You all did pretty well though. Lois, I think he decided to go, which is wrong to do now that i think about it, so I'm going to steal his monitor while he's gone.
rebecca-that suggestion is slightly twisted, but it is not without merit. for instance, i would definitely do it.
p-man, thanks. it's nice to have some support as far as my methods are concerned. and your idea isn't half bad, i think i might do the sleeping bag thing myself, just for fun. in the middle of the day. it's camp-out time!
heather- :) i love it. i think we should all own secret books with special translations only we know about--for the times when pretend honesty is best thing.
p.s. i am similar to napoleon, but with superior bowhunting skills.
Dear Erik,
I need advice for some relationship issues I am having. There is this guy I know (well, not really) and he is totally hot and wears a black mask and everything. Sometimes, he tells me what he thinks by posting it on the internet. Well, a couple of weeks ago, I asked him to marry me, but he thought I was joking about my proposal! What do I do to make him take me seriously?
Rejected and Dejected,
Anonymous
Dear Rejected and Dejected,
From what you're saying, I get the impression this guy is pretty tough. He is rugged, but rugged in a sensual way. I would also not be too surprised if he were a professional athlete from how you describe him. Let me guess, he has about 5% body fat, and a confident gait? I thought so. There is also the possibility, (though infinitesimally small), that he's not very tough at all. He could simply be hiding a battered self-esteem and poor self-image behind sarcasm and his black mask. But that theory is stupid, and unlikely.
Oh yeah, having him take you seriously. Let's think of the things he probably likes: Brownies? I could see that. Halo 2? I would expect so. I recommend making brownies and asking him to play Halo 2 with you. Then ask him to marry you while the volume is really loud, and he'll say, 'what?', which is only 1 letter more than 'yes'. So there it is. Done and done. Good luck!
if he went on the trip...
as long as she was cute I would've gone after the girlfriend who was probably looking for "revenge sex"
so you tell him to go on the cruise...turn around and steal his woman... well.. at least for a night or three...
Erik, it's time! You need to bring this advice of yours to the masses. You amaze me with your ageless wisdom! You should have an advice column here once a week. And then perhaps poor old lost souls like myself might have a bit of light shed upon their otherwise dismal lives. You are my hero! Wind beneath my wings and whatnot. ;)
Lois Lane
P.S. Should you choose to go ahead with an advice column, I would like to ask a question... I have a strange attraction to one of the members of the Ambiguously Gay Duo. I don't know what it is about him. Perhaps it's all in the tights. At any rate, I swoon at the thought of him. Do you think there is any way to turn a gay avenger straight? If so, how. Anxiously awaiting an answer.
Rae, your advice is only slightly less dysfunctional than rebecca's, nicely done. :) I might just hand this advice thing over to you guys, you seem to have a knack.
Lois, I appreciate your question, and it's a good one. But I warn you, this might not be my best work, since I don't know what you're talking about. Not only that, I didn't dress up as Ace of the Ambiguously Gay Duo for Halloween, and then run around downtown like a complete moron. If I had, I might be able to comment more effectively. As it stands, I can only say this: You are making a huge assumption that this avenger is even homosexual. Near as I can tell, he's just extremely comfortable with himself, to the point of being gay beyond anyone's wildest imaginations. Where does this leave you? I would start by asking him if he wants to go shoe shopping with you. Not even for the purposes of spending more time with him, just so you can get some decent open-toes. Ok, I shouldn't know that term. That was a little sad.
Anyway, you may want to write this guy off. Right now, he's essentially saying to you, "I have other priorities, such as being gay, and gay vigilantism". If you absolutely can't live without him, I will dress up as him for you and prance about. But only because it's my duty, not because I would love to do that for you. In the meantime, you can watch this touching and honest documentary
of the crime-fighters we all know and love.
Good luck!
Write him off? I will do no such thing. There must be a way to have my Ace in the hole. Hey Ace, er, um, I mean Erik, would you like to go shoe shopping with me? I saw the sexiest open-toed number I'm just dying to get.
Lois Lane
P.S. I'll let you borrow them.
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