Career Talk
One of my main principles in this life, is that if I have something to say, everyone should listen with earnest ears and ready minds, until I'm done. Now you may disagree with what I have to say--to which I reply, I may disagree with what YOU have to say, as you are extremely ignorant. But I'll defend to the death your right to say it, as well as any laws that would make it permissible for me to beat you for your contrary attitude. Said another way, "I eventually will have you stoned for your insolence". *
With that in mind, let's move forward. Yesterday I saw one of those guys who gets paid to stand on the side of the road with a sign that shows where to go if you want to buy 50 pizzas for 38 cents or whatever. Sometimes it's couches, sometimes it's housewares, the nature of the product being advertised is only a sub-theme here. Ok, you know I don't do sub-themes, but this paragraph wasn't flowing right, and it needed some filler. What I'm saying is, you have to be dangerously short on life skills to take that job. Here's the thought process leading up to that career move, as I see it.
What would someone be dumb enough to pay me for...Sign maker? Good, but that may require knowing the whole alphabet. I know, sign holder. By coincidence, I have held various things in the past, and a sign is also a thing.
Please understand, I believe that any honest work is good work, except for the following, which are not generally recognized as legitimate occupations: Masonry, concrete workers, lawn-mower people (whatever you call that), steel workers, or the people who build things, like houses. Basically, any of the manual labor jobs are out. Aside from those, I say go for it. Sign-holding is totally base, though. It seems like I wouldn't even say hi to a sign holder if I saw him. Nevertheless, I have attempted to reproduce the possible thought chronology of a sign holder's first day on the job.
1st minute: This is not too bad. Not too bad at all. I've got my Journey Best Ballads in the discman, and oddly enough, I don't even feel that stupid holding this sign. Maybe two hot girls in a red convertible Boxster will pull over and give me their phone numbers. Nah, that probably won't happen. But this is still cool. The wheel in the sky keeps on tuurrrnin'...yeah!
Minute 5: Is that rain? That's kind of...interesting. I can see that making this less fun over the course of the next 7 hours and 55 minutes. This is still awesome, though.
15 minutes in: That's definitely rain. And I'm not sure how it's possible, but it felt like that last drop went directly into my underwear.
35 minutes: This better not be acid rain. I'm serious. If this is acid rain, I will have some choice words for that shrew of a woman at the temp agency.
41 minutes: Oh c'mon! Don't quit on me now! Would a water-resistant discman be too much to ask for? They can land robot tanks on Mars, and then drive them around collecting little mineral samples that are then probably converted into gold bullion or something. But they can't make a water-resistant discman. I have no words for that.
48 minutes: What? That kid just flipped me off, not cool. "Hey! Yeah, you with the tricycle! I will beat you with this sign until all of your intestines are outside your body. Ooh, now you're gonna run to mommy??" Typical. I hate 5 year-olds.
1 hour: Ok, This is becoming totally unmanageable. I want to know how it can be raining 1 minute, and as hot as the surface of the sun the next. Good thing I took off all my clothes.
2 hours: Yep, I would definitely rather contract leprosy than do this any longer. In fact, I think being all the way dead would beat this. Maybe if I just lie down on the road really quick here...There we go, that's better. Death, draw me now into your sweet embrace.
2 hours 12 seconds: "Okay, Okay, I'll get up! Geez, enough with the yelling!". Not exactly the most friendly drivers around here. Mentally unstable, to say the least. Hey, I wonder if I could turn this sign upside down and then impale myself on the wood part...that seems feasible.
For the next 6 or so hours, I imagine the sign holder would just weigh the relative merits of falling on his sign vs. lying down in the road. I don't often see the same sign holders, so I'm guessing they eventually just choose one.
Those are my basic thoughts on sign holders. If you disagree with any of my scenarios, or think you want to be a sign holder someday, that's really sad. But if you're going to be stubborn about it, at least wrap the discman in a plastic bag. Take it from me. I mean...I would never do that job, not even on the weekends when I was a sophomore in college, for Pizza Hut. For $6 per hour. There's no way.
*if you want to read a quote from someone who qualifies as a real person and/or you actually want to learn something, click here. Seriously. This time I'm not messing around.
posted by Erik @ 5:04 PM
20 Comments:
It's amazing how you are able to tap into the person's mind holding those signs. I'm so thankful YOU never had to do such a degrading job. I mean, the puddle splashes from the mean drivers during rainfall, and the point and stare and giggle by drivers, not to mention the bumbs who must walk up to bum a cigarette, or ask for a pizza to be accidentally placed into the dumpster behind Pizza Hut. Those people who hold signs for a living really aren't living at all. Again, please let me just say how very thankful I am that YOU never had to know the horror and pain of a Rainman sign holder! Praise the pizza!
Lois Lane
but you forgot to think about the people who embrace their sign holding and do the crazy things like dance with them, throw them up in the air, enter the sign dancing contest (the guy who won in 2004 was from Bakersfield!)...
the thing i liked about the post was the awareness that a sign holder (and we are in FULL agreement that signs are things) would likely have a non-water resistant discman, and not, say, a weatherproof photo ipod or something.
i don't like being stoned, so i'll pretend i didn't say something contrary.
(and thanks for the link to voltaire. i could kiss him for inventing electricity.)
i didn't know sing-dancing was a thing! we have a guy here who dances with his sign(s), but we all thought it was epilepsy, or possibly drugs.
(and i thot al gore invented electricity...)
sign-dancing, sing-dancing, whatever...
that took me a second... i thought, though that i made the sing/sign typo, as typos run amok when i'm about.
sing dancing however, is also known as musical theatre.
and i've seen some sign dancers who look a bit like they're more wigging on chemicals than dancing. so, common mistake!
lois-you know about the accidental pizza throwaway too? knowing that we were both homeless at one time makes me feel closer to you. neat!
SD-i didn't know about that aspect of it either, but the sign people around here definitely bring shame upon the name of sign dancing. they're almost totally inanimate. (which you might appreciate, now that i think on it. see: steamshovel aspirations)
bryan and SD-I would appreciate it if you could spell things correctly while you are visiting this site. thank you.
i will trie my hardest to spell corectly.
hey, before you start telling people to spell correctly, maybe you should consider the fact that your post is totally inconsistent.
i mean, first, you start with "1st Minute" and then you switch to "Minute 15." Why not "15th Minute"? You're just confusing us. and then, to top it off, you switch to hours. what's up with that? "60th Minute" would have been so much better.
i don't think you're qualified to a sign-holder.
p-man: you seem to be such an expert on this stuff, except for you forgot one tiny detail, and that is the first paragraph. :) i would like to emphasize that for every action there is a reaction, and sometimes the reaction is you dying because of your treasonous words. so...let's just keep a level head here.
as far as the sign holder comment, now you're just trying to be hurtful.
Knowing now, what I didn't last week about you, I feel like I am ready to pick out cardboard with you. ahhhh (batting eyes in your general direction)
Lois Lane
i may be wrong about this whole number-consistency thing, but it appears that Lois is trying to put the moves on you. this sign-holder gig may not be that bad after all. the women are swooning, man.
you are all ridiculous and i love it.
i am not ridiculous. i'm quirky and surly (or crotchety...whichever synonym you prefer)
and i forgot to thank erik for holding up and remembering my steamshovelly dreams.
Pardon me, Erik, I need to speak with particleman, if that's really his name. Please close your eyes my dear sign-holding homeless dude, for this is a side of Lois, I never wanted you to witness.
A-hem, particleman, before this comment right here, you and I both had two for this post. Does this mean you are trying to move into Erik's carboard box? Because, I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, but it is wrong for those in glass houses to throw stones. I'm just sayin' And if you were really paying attention at all, you would see that neither you, nor I, can even come close to that "five timing" heatherfeather. That is all.
Lois Lane
i want all of you guys to move into my cardboard box. c'mon, it'd be fun! no rules, like neverland! without the yucky stuff, unless you wanted to!
lois has outed me.
i have WAY too much time on my hands at work (another comment for another posting). and i blog and comment compulsively.
and i'm trying to move into erik's cardboard box because he has an executive desk gong and i do not.
make that six-timing, m'dear.
Lois, my dear,
I'm speechless. I am by no means trying to move into Erik's territory, per se. I'm simply making observations from without the glass house, not from within. It's not every day eyelashes are batted on this website.
At either rate, 17 comments is preposterously too many for any of Erik's posts. Too much attention is unhealthful. I suggest we cease and desist, especially b/c that heatherfeather is racking up quite a name for herself (oy vey).
Hi, this is the 18th post. Is this some kind of a record? What do I win?
nineteen
Ha! 20 like my age... in my imagination. Happy Easter Erik and friends!
Lois Lane
P.S. Erik, I must give up my quest to share your box. It seems as though this featherhead gal really wants you badly. Therefore I must allow myself to let go. I'll be okay, really, one day I'll be just fine. :(
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