What with the latest Star Wars installment on the way, I've been thinking some about what it would feel like to be Princess Leah. Yeah, I think you heard me. I'd like to explore my feminine side, and I don't see why that's such a threat to everyone. Ok, kidding. That probably turned you on, and I don't blame you. But I've actually been fantasizing more about delivering an intergalactic pre-battle call-to-arms. I'm talking a little bit about leading some rebels against Imperial forces, do you know what I'm saying? You call that weird, I call it standing tall in the face of great evil. Two different ways to describe one situation. And guess if the Council of Elders would appreciate you referring to the Alliance as "weird". Maybe if a light saber through your face means they would appreciate it, I guess there's your answer.

Anyway, check out my speech, this is what I have so far:

Good citizens of Ridelan 7: The quasar energy shields have been destroyed by the Equestrian warriors of Zanax-9, leaving our weapons systems, medical facilities, and TJ Max retail stores vulnerable to attack*. The Equestrian star fleet has regrouped and is less than one thousand spanktrometers away. I recommend just firing indiscriminately into space, as it's nearly impossible to tell what's happening in these frantic battles anyway. All I ever see are green and red lights flashing around. I can assure you, I won't be doing anything more than closing my eyes and shooting at random intervals. If I happen to phaser you in the back, that's my bad. Now let's go out there and not succumb to the Dark Side! [warriors cheer, strike battle staffs against ground in rhythmic manner. Ridellian virgins offer up selves]

Then I would close with a visually stunning powerpoint presentation. Here's one of the slides I've already prepared, which shows an example of a 5th generation Equestrian Quadfighter:


Equestrian QuadFighter 5

3 words: Untouchable Photoshop skills. And if you're wondering how I'm that good, it's called no understanding of how computers work, and a total absence of artistic pride. Aside from me ruling at photoshop, this speech I've been practicing got me thinking about a couple other things. Namely, why is it still entertaining to ridicule hardcore Star Wars fans? Please don't misunderstand me--I have engaged, or do currently engage, in several so-called nerdy endeavors myself. I've been known to collect comic books, and I spent a generous, personality-stunting portion of highschool thinking of, playing, and reading strategy books about, Street Fighter II.

However, my point is that the Star Wars infatuation is one of the most unhealthy hobbies ever in American culture, and I have facts at the ready to support this assertion.

1. Star Wars movies can be a fun diversion.
2. Buying an actual plane ticket in order to congregate with other socially-doomed Star Wars nerds is not a diversion. That's giving up on life. If the best vacation you can think of is a star wars convention, it's already over for you.

But you heard it here first: If the current rate of social and artistic erosion in this country is any indication, it will soon be cool to know everything there is to know about Star Wars. It's gonna be quirky-hip to go to the conventions and dress up like a complete tool. Please let me be dead when that time comes. Or at least let me go as Leah.

Hey, I'm still kidding, geez!


*Some nerds in the audience will undoubtedly want to point out that Ridelan 7 is part of the Crapadoro star system, and thus unreachable by Zanax-9 inhabitants. Or worse yet, that there are no TJ Maxes on Ridelan 7. I know that. But there should be, you can find some really solid bargains at that place.