Not Totally Inept

Breath-takingly insightful, if you're really dumb.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

New Research Indicates You Are Repulsive

According to a new study, obesity is a problem among affluent Americans. Now that's mind-blowing. People are going to be talking about this one for a long time. In fact, I'm headed to the watercooler right now, to see what my flabby countrymen have to say about it. Yeah, right. Memo to scientists: We're all fat, ok? You don't have to keep doing these studies, we get it. We are gigantic, unrepentant, walking tubs of lard, I'm not sure what's so difficult to understand about that. Whether we make $12,000 a year, or $120,000, we all like cupcakes. Very much so. And if they come fried, we'll take that. In fact, I may have one right now. Yum, that was good, I'll have six. If they came with butter on top, it would be even better. Who gave me this fried hostess cupcake without butter on it? You? Bunch of commie health freaks around here.

Now, I've managed to go behind the scenes at the University of Iowa, where I was able to transcribe a conversation among the lead researchers there, as they tried to determine whether or not to conduct the latest study. Check it out:

Scientist #1: Ok, who are the test subjects?

Scientist #2: Americans.

Scientist #1: What kind?

Scientist #2: The fat kind, what else?

Scientist #1: Good point. We're all pretty disgusting, aren't we? I mean, look at me, I couldn't please a woman if my life depended on it. I need special tools just to find my gear, you know what I'm saying?

Scientist #2: I didn't really want to hear that, but thanks for keeping me up to speed. Anyway, I think it's important we know for sure that other wealthy Americans, aside from you and me, are also enormous human slugs.

Intern Scientist: Hey, you guys. I think it's safe to say none of us are going to be making the cover of Men's Fitness anytime soon. Do you really think we should be using the grant money for this?

Scientist #2: Let me tell you a little story, Junior. We once conducted a study on whether or not violent felons make good day care employees. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they do not. But we might not have known this, had those children not sacrificed their lives accidentally. Do you see now why we must do the work we do?

Intern Scientist: I guess...seems weird, though...

Scientist #2: Silence! We must conduct these tests, it is the only way. You are feeble of mind, and still a mere 10 percentage points over the standard obesity index. You have a long way to go before you will be able to eat 3 pot roasts in one sitting. I'm up to 3 pot roasts for breakfast alone, and I don't even eat breakfast. Or if I did, I already forgot, because I'm starving. Give me your cupcake.

Intern Scientist: Get away, it doesn't even have any butter on it!


I can't remember what happened next, but I made up the majority of that dialogue anyway. So don't worry about that, and concentrate on this next point, which is: Apparently, the results from every study are that something is too fat. If they studied the migratory patterns of Nordic Greylag Geese, they would probably discover the flight patterns to be obese. If they tested American rain, I bet that would be fat, too. How can rain be fat? I don't know, but McDonald's can make one french fry worth 87 fat grams, so anything's possible. I bet even our anorexics could stand to drop a few pounds. It's like the more research we do on this subject, the fatter we get.

Plus, all these studies are doing is hurting people's feelings. Maybe if the scientific community placed more emphasis on the positive things Americans are trying to do, we could build on those small victories, and turn this thing around. Just the other night I ordered a Wendy's salad along with my milkshake and two bacon doubles. Yet, If I told the researchers about my salad purchase, they would probably just do a study on praying mantis populations, and then tell me I was fat. If no one else is going to reward our healthy eating choices, we have no choice but to reward ourselves. And by reward, I'm talking about a big bowl of oreos dipped in warm crisco. Study that, suckers!

12 Comments:

At 5:28 PM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

i personally love fat snow. the kind of snow where each flake is like 3 inches in diameter. so if there's fat snow, i guess rain can be fat, too.

coming from the country where people buy a double bacon bbq cheeseburger, extra large fries, and a diet coke, i say bully for you for getting the salad.

even though you didn't know that wendy's doesn't have milkshakes, but instead has the frosty, a frozen dairy dessert.

which is AMAZING on french fries.

q.e.d.

"q.e.d.? what point could she have possibly just made?" i hear you asking. it's all part of my evil plan.

 
At 5:42 PM, Blogger unca said...

Erik-
Where have you been. The whole big fat world is abuzz with the recent news as reported in the Journal of the American Medical Association that overweight people live longer than thin people.
Results Relative to the normal weight category (BMI 18.5 to <25), obesity (BMI 30) was associated with 111 909 excess deaths (95% confidence interval [CI], 53 754-170 064) and underweight with 33 746 excess deaths (95% CI, 15 726-51 766). Overweight was not associated with excess mortality (–86 094 deaths; 95% CI, –161 223 to –10 966). The relative risks of mortality associated with obesity were lower in NHANES II and NHANES III than in NHANES I.

 
At 5:48 PM, Blogger particleman said...

what? are you calling me fat? shut up and pass me some of those kosher fried pork skins. i skipped breakfast today.

 
At 12:40 AM, Blogger Erik said...

unca, do you mind? :) i'm trying to make a point here, without the burden of scientifically accepted terminology or statistics. is NHANES II where the test subjects eat pizza every day of the week until they die? i want to do that study.

heatherfeather-thanks for the props on the salad. and i *do* know that wendy's serves a frosty, it's just that i forgot for a second. q.e.d.!

pman (aka Fatty Fatterson)-i've been hinting at your fatness for a while now, this is just the first time you noticed. here, have some more pork skins. it's not like you can get any fatter.

mamacita-the orange ones are definitely tasty. it all depends on my mood, though. sometimes i will have an orange cupcake, and sometimes i will have an orange cupcake multiplied by 8. let us dine on them together when next we meet.

 
At 5:33 AM, Blogger heatherfeather said...

dammit - now i want an orange hostess cupkae for breakfast.

with a side of beer-battered bacon.

 
At 11:15 AM, Blogger Rob said...

I used to be 230 lbs. Then I was 210 for a long time. Now I am 195.
Some of my jeans have a 32" waist, which heretofore hadn't been seen in my closet since college.
Let it never be said that I'd miss an opportunity for blatant self-congratulation.
Also, you people who are 230 disgust me. How could anyone let themselves get that way?

 
At 12:04 PM, Blogger Blogball said...

Another enjoyable post Erik.
My weakness is Chips Ahoy Cookies dipped in milk. I used to count the number of cookies consumed and limit myself to a certain amount. Now I am counting the sleeves.

I believe Unca is in the medical field and sometimes forgets that everyone might not be that familiar with medical terminology and their acronyms.

I provided a little cheat sheet below. So everyone can understand his post.


BMI = Bowel Movement Index

CI = Cupcake (with butter on top) Index

NHANES = National Heavy As Nine Elephants Survey

 
At 2:43 PM, Blogger particleman said...

i never thought i'd say this in the context of a comment on erik's blog, but, i'm actually learning something. wtf? this can't be happening.

 
At 10:51 PM, Blogger Erik said...

bryan-i used to be like you, but the opposite. i was so muscular i couldn't even move my head. i was 600 pounds of pure unadulterated muscle. now i'm 190, but still pulling ridiculous amounts of women. this story is obviously false, not to mention pointless, but i'm not about to backspace it all now. sorry you had to read that.

blogball-your cheat sheet rules. :)and i hope your BMI is holding steady. remember the oatmeal. trust me, your colon will think it's died and went to heaven.

pman-i know, this is like the new learning channel or something! i just can't say enough good things about the quality information i've been dispensing lately.

hf-i just had that combo the other night, and believe me when i tell you it was extremely tasty.

 
At 11:19 AM, Blogger Lois Lane said...

I'm a "Ding Dong" girl myself. But Cupcakes will do in a pinch, as long as they are fried with butter on top. LOL!
Are you saying that, Scientist #1 had a tool so small he needed to build a shed over it for protection?
Thankfully I do not have to send my children to violent felon babysitters, because I have you. As I understand, you are wonderful with children. So, I expect you to come and get these kids and teach them a thing or two about what really matters in America. Fat, not garage sales! I patiently await your visit Super Nanny!
Lois Lane

 
At 11:31 AM, Blogger unca said...

This, from a David Brooks column on the JAMA article on overweightism:

I've been happy because as a member of the community of low-center-of-gravity Americans, I find that a lifetime of irresponsible behavior has been unjustly rewarded. If this study is correct, I'll be ordering second helpings on into my 90's while all those salad-munching health nuts who have been feeling so superior in their spandex pants and cutoff T-shirts will be dying of midriff pneumonia and other condescension-related diseases.

I've been happy because now there will inevitably be a shift in the fashion winds, favoring members of the Zaftig Corps. Sports enjoyed by people with Rubenesque proportions, like floating, will come into vogue. More people will appreciate the thigh-rubbing musical rhythms you hear when overweight people wear corduroys. More people will realize we should all be patterning our lifestyle decisions on those made by Christopher Hitchens.

Mostly, I'm happy on an existential level. I like to be reminded that the universe is basically crooked. This is what the zero-tolerance brigades and all the better living gurus never quite get. They're busy trying to mold everybody into lifelong valedictorians, who spend their adulthood as carb counters and responsible flossers - the sort of organized folk who actually read legal documents before they sign them.

In reality, life is perverse and human beings don't get what they deserve. The people with the worst grades start the most successful businesses. The shallowest people end up blissfully happy and they are so vapid they don't even realize how vapid they are because vapidity is the only trait that comes with its own impermeable obliviousness system.

 
At 2:48 PM, Blogger Erik said...

lois, i will mold your children into actual human beings so fast, you'll wonder why you ever wasted your efforts with compassion and/or parenting workshops. no wait, you probably haven't heard of either of those things. ;) even so, I will help you out.

p.s. scientist #1 had tools of reasonable proportions, but squandered his good fortune by building an impenetrable fat fortress around them. this is why, despite unca's article below, one should think twice before eating crisco straight from the can.

that being said, unca, that article is hilarious. and i just cancelled my gym membership.

 

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