New Research Indicates You Are Repulsive

According to a new study, obesity is a problem among affluent Americans. Now that's mind-blowing. People are going to be talking about this one for a long time. In fact, I'm headed to the watercooler right now, to see what my flabby countrymen have to say about it. Yeah, right. Memo to scientists: We're all fat, ok? You don't have to keep doing these studies, we get it. We are gigantic, unrepentant, walking tubs of lard, I'm not sure what's so difficult to understand about that. Whether we make $12,000 a year, or $120,000, we all like cupcakes. Very much so. And if they come fried, we'll take that. In fact, I may have one right now. Yum, that was good, I'll have six. If they came with butter on top, it would be even better. Who gave me this fried hostess cupcake without butter on it? You? Bunch of commie health freaks around here.

Now, I've managed to go behind the scenes at the University of Iowa, where I was able to transcribe a conversation among the lead researchers there, as they tried to determine whether or not to conduct the latest study. Check it out:

Scientist #1: Ok, who are the test subjects?

Scientist #2: Americans.

Scientist #1: What kind?

Scientist #2: The fat kind, what else?

Scientist #1: Good point. We're all pretty disgusting, aren't we? I mean, look at me, I couldn't please a woman if my life depended on it. I need special tools just to find my gear, you know what I'm saying?

Scientist #2: I didn't really want to hear that, but thanks for keeping me up to speed. Anyway, I think it's important we know for sure that other wealthy Americans, aside from you and me, are also enormous human slugs.

Intern Scientist: Hey, you guys. I think it's safe to say none of us are going to be making the cover of Men's Fitness anytime soon. Do you really think we should be using the grant money for this?

Scientist #2: Let me tell you a little story, Junior. We once conducted a study on whether or not violent felons make good day care employees. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they do not. But we might not have known this, had those children not sacrificed their lives accidentally. Do you see now why we must do the work we do?

Intern Scientist: I guess...seems weird, though...

Scientist #2: Silence! We must conduct these tests, it is the only way. You are feeble of mind, and still a mere 10 percentage points over the standard obesity index. You have a long way to go before you will be able to eat 3 pot roasts in one sitting. I'm up to 3 pot roasts for breakfast alone, and I don't even eat breakfast. Or if I did, I already forgot, because I'm starving. Give me your cupcake.

Intern Scientist: Get away, it doesn't even have any butter on it!


I can't remember what happened next, but I made up the majority of that dialogue anyway. So don't worry about that, and concentrate on this next point, which is: Apparently, the results from every study are that something is too fat. If they studied the migratory patterns of Nordic Greylag Geese, they would probably discover the flight patterns to be obese. If they tested American rain, I bet that would be fat, too. How can rain be fat? I don't know, but McDonald's can make one french fry worth 87 fat grams, so anything's possible. I bet even our anorexics could stand to drop a few pounds. It's like the more research we do on this subject, the fatter we get.

Plus, all these studies are doing is hurting people's feelings. Maybe if the scientific community placed more emphasis on the positive things Americans are trying to do, we could build on those small victories, and turn this thing around. Just the other night I ordered a Wendy's salad along with my milkshake and two bacon doubles. Yet, If I told the researchers about my salad purchase, they would probably just do a study on praying mantis populations, and then tell me I was fat. If no one else is going to reward our healthy eating choices, we have no choice but to reward ourselves. And by reward, I'm talking about a big bowl of oreos dipped in warm crisco. Study that, suckers!