Sometimes I just have to close my eyes and shake my head in a condescending way that would make you want to punch me in the face if you saw me. But honestly, how would I ever stop posting? This will never happen even if you pray for it, so you may as well give that up. It's best to think of this blog like you would a degenerative nerve disease. As with all degenerative nerve diseases, there are amusing times, slow times, and then the times when you can't even clip your own toenails without stabbing yourself in the femoral artery. It is then you realize that MS, or whatever affliction God gave you because you're a bad person, is not a non-stop laugh track. So if at any point here you find yourself not being amused, and/or not seeing any new posts for weeks at a time, maybe instead you would like to be bleeding out alone on your bathroom floor? I didn't think so.
Anyway, I would never stop posting even if somebody showed me a suitcase with 45 million dollars in it, and said, "This is yours if you promise not to write anything else." I would take that suitcase, open it up, and urinate on the contents. Soon after, I would pour about a gallon of gasoline on it, light it up with a blow torch, and launch it into deep space. Then I'd say, "There's your 45 mil. Oh, and by the way? Here's a new blog entry all up in your mug." Because that's my integrity coming through. The integrity of the artist. For my voice shall never be silenced, not unless we can talk real numbers, like 47 million. If I was offered 47, I might only urinate on a small portion of the suitcase. But until that time, here are a few discoveries I've made within the last couple weeks. If they tickle your fancy, great. If not, maybe you should try to have muscular dystrophy and see if that tickles your fancy.
In the Bitterness Category:
There are people who receive luxury cars as whimsical gifts, but I haven't thought of any way to kill these people without getting caught. Let me explain. As I'm leaving work last week, there were two women in the parking lot, fawning over a brand new lexus.
Gold Miner #1: He totally surprised you with it?
Gold Miner #2: Yeah, he totally surprised me!
Me: I would like to put the two of you in a woodchipper, but I haven't thought of a way to do it without getting caught.
Gold Miners: ha ha!!
Me: Seriously, I want to kill you and hide your bodies under a big rock. Many different rocks, if I go the woodchipper route.
Optimism Category:
I was recently in the men's department at Macy's, which is below ground level. Yet I received a call loud and clear on my verizon phone. My only conclusion is that the "can you hear me now?" guy is finally getting something accomplished. Thanks, verizon guy. There's not really a joke with this one, but that man is a hard worker, and should be recognized for his efforts.
Bewilderment Category:
I was also in Abercrombie & Fitch, and it occurs to me they've basically been selling the same style of clothing for the last 10 years. As you might know, the basic purpose of this style is to project an aura of having a bunch of holes in your jeans. But you live on the beach, and were born with no fat cells, so that's okay.
Extreme Bewilderment Category:
I occasionally buy jeans there. Presumably so the clothing will absorb any excess fat cells from my physiology.
Category that makes me want to sell my iPod:
President Bush now has one, making it approximately as cool to own as a Commodore 64. Even if you like Dubya, you have to admit he's not the essence of cool. After that, go back to step 1, and change the part where you like him. Hey, I'm kidding. He can't read very well, but he's a straight shooter. Ok, that was uncalled for. I'm stupid, and down with suicide bombers as well. Because I'm against that, and if you're not, we're going to have a problem, you and I.
posted by Erik @ 1:30 AM
4 Comments:
there's this kids in the hall sketch where dave foley is trying to explain this very simple story to bruce mccullough and bruce keeps saying, "ya lost me..." and shaking his head in extreme bewilderment (much like you when you think of buying a&f jeans). it's not as funny as bruce's open letter(s) to the guy who stole his front bicycle wheel or dave's letter to the guy in the hospital because dave clotheslined him on his bike for riding on the sidewalk, or as surreal as the sausages or the good ham abounds sketch, but 'tis funny nonetheless.
>I'm stupid, and down with suicide bombers as well. Because I'm against that, and if you're not, we're going to have a problem, you and I.
ya lost me. i don't understand the relationship between those two sentences. neither do i understand the relationship between katie and tom, but that's off-topic.
meth time.
heatherfeather-ya lost me. see, the first thing you must understand is that sometimes there were probably flashes of brilliance in today's entry. I said "flashes", so that certainly doesn't mean the sentence you have such a big problem with.
p.s. the 'ya lost me' skit is awesome. haven't seen the others, but they're probably funny. not as funny as my suicide bomber sentence, but funny nonetheless.
ya lost me on the part about 45 million, because couldn't you just *pretend* like you wouldn't post any more until you got the money, then post anyway? i'm surprised you didn't know that.
also, on the whole urinating thing, i don't really know why that's really necessary, especially if you're going to burn it later.
but i did pee on a cracker once, and then i ate it anyway. not like the whole thing, just a little corner of it. also, i was only 5 yrs old at the time, so back off.
i've never peed on things i hoped to, had intended to, or proceeded to eat. unless i have amnesia and i did pee on food. but i suppose we'll never know if i don't remember.
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