Weakness and Surrender Cannot Be Taught, You Must Slowly Succumb To Them

Tennessee Williams once said, "There is a time of departure even when there's no certain place to go." What this means is you should quit and run away if you encounter even small, unimposing obstacles. Focus on all that is cowardly within you, and run. Run like a scared fawn, off into the quiet of the forest and then be very still. Afterwards, you can just lie there, or starve to death, or whatever you want. The important part is quitting and running away from your problems.

Let's take my career for example, the one I no longer have because I quit it last week. Yeah, you heard me right. And If I somehow had a second job, I'd quit that one, too, like a bad habit. It's my new thing. If I had a time machine, I'd go into the future and quit all my jobs in advance, that's how committed I am. Please understand, there's no shame in giving up. There's also no money, but as we've learned, it's the giving up that's important. No, you won't be able to buy any food without a job, that's a given. Your immune system will eventually shut down, and soon people will mistake you for a skeleton. Then your heart will just sort of...stop. Ominous, yes, but also the inevitable consequence of not eating food for a long time. However, there's great freedom in this--the freedom of not having a pulse anymore, which is the greatest freedom of all.

You may ask, how can I just give up? It's so easy! Even as a child, it came naturally to me. I don't care if it was kickball or red rover, I would either call everyone else a cheater and quit, or simply sit down during the middle of the game and quit. A more recent example is when a college friend said to me, "Hey, let's both try to have successful lives." To this day, I have no idea what my friend was talking about. Did he completely forget that I had no real character, or follow-through? Yeah, I'll let you guess how the whole 'successful life' quest ended up. Actually, I'll just tell you, it ended with me quitting. I think the only reason I managed to graduate from college was because I was very naive and had not yet discovered the power that is available to us when we embrace ineffectiveness and futility. That, and I forged the majority of my transcripts. Changing all of my records to more closely resemble an academic history which didn't include failing out of every class certainly helped--I won't lie about that. Other things, sure, I will lie about them. But this one thing I'm talking about right now, I just don't feel like lying about it, so I won't. Anyway, I'd rather talk about failure, because that's my passion.

I think my position on quitting and failure can best be summed up like this: I'm in love with it, and now that I know how liberating it is, I will stay the course until I have absolutely nothing left. If I haven't lost everything by the time I'm 35, I shall count that as failure. Which is like a win-win, now that I think about it. However, I would prefer to be well below the poverty line, with no actual possessions. True, I still have this computer I'm typing on, but if I had anything to say about it, it would be smashed into tiny pieces. Hold on, let me smash the screen in with my fist. If I do that, it will be even better than having nothing, because glass will be everywhere, and I'll be on the ground, twitching grotesquely in the final throes of electrocution. I think you would agree, going out like that could safely be classified as unsuccessful. Which is
the whole point.

In closing, I'm impetuous, occasionally disorganized, and my grasp on reality is tenuous at best. Does anyone know of any companies who consistently engage in absurd, counter-productive hiring practices? Because I desperately need a job, any job. More importantly, though, I desperately need to quit that job--I'm starting to get the shakes over here.