America Has A Fever, And The Only Cure Is More Celebrity Nuptials

Do you know what I think this country needs? Two celebrities to start dating each other. If we can't get that, I would settle for two celebrities to become engaged, in a mutual engagement, where both parties are engaged to each other, and they are magnificent. In the ideal scenario, they would each have personal trainers. This blessed coupling would act as much-needed salve for the collective emotional wounds which plague our great nation, uniting us together in unity. But less cliched and slightly more eloquent than that.

You might be saying, "what about recently-turned-raving-psychotic Tom Cruise and the girl from that substandard cable channel, Katie Holmes?" Yes, I know about that. I can see the tabloids at the checkout, ok? And then I can buy them at the checkout. And then I can take them home, and read them cover to cover, which I do. I've proven I can do this. However, one problem: I'm the father of Katie Holmes, and I forbid this union. Ok, I'm not. Nor will I make a "Daddy" joke rife with sexual innuendo, because that's immature. Katie Holmes, you cannot, in fact, call me Daddy whenever you want, because that wouldn't turn me on. There.

So why not Tom and Katie? Well, it's not that I'm jealous, I don't think that's the word. It's just that I want to pin Tom's body to the sea floor with a harpoon. During the subsequent mourning period, Katie shall know my comfort. Whatever the word is for that. Something I DO know, this marriage isn't happening on my watch. You'll probably want to know why, so I picked a random opinion out of the atmosphere and then made up reasons for it after the fact. To be fair, these are not so much reasons, as they are nonsensical ramblings of someone who's really mixed-up. Like you can afford to be picky.

--These two have not yet starred in any movies together, and they're supposed to know about love? How are they going to inspire a nation when they can't even manage to be in the same movie? The ideal candidates would be healing the country, whereas these two would prefer to spend all their time not being in movies together.

--Tom Cruise is 42, and Katie Holmes is 26, which is like adult pedophilia. That's not the issue, though. No, the real problem is he takes her out on his motorcycle, and then they both go flying in his private jet. I'm 30, 30 beats 26! Where is my jet and where is the wooing? I can say without equivocation, that no wooing of me, by anybody, had occurred when this issue went to press.

--When I'm 42, I'll probably be rotting away, married to that pesky lady who I've already had 1 or 2 children with. She is so annoying! If it's my luck, I'll be 42, returning home from my job as a homeless person and she will call me on "the cellie" and ask me to steal the latest People Magazine. The top story will be about Tom Cruise flying to the moon and marrying both of the Olsen twins in a special moon ceremony. Authorities will change the moon's orbit just for that day, causing more light to reflect off the Twins' cheekbones, so they poke out better. Then Tom will easily fit both twins into the luggage compartment of his motorcycle jet, and zoom around the craters. So let's recap. In 12 years, I will be emotionally alone (same as now), and Tom Cruise will be flying around with the Bulimia Duo stuffed into his rocket bike. Does this sound like the type of celebrity who's going to help America? I'm not seeing it.

Where does this leave us? As Britney Spears once said, "I'm rich, freakin' rich. It's crazy." I don't know how that quote is relevant, but perhaps you can find a parallel somewhere. Mostly, keep in mind that there exists no quick fix for what ails America, except high profile celebrities marrying each other. They have to be the exact right couple, though, as I've clearly shown. Also remember that real answers to real problems require actual thinking, which is why my ideas generally suck. Sorry about that.