Greetings, my insufficient ones. I come bearing wisdom. The wisdom I present is intended to improve the rate and efficacy with which you score the ladies. Ladies, feel free to stick around. Maybe you'll learn something about yourselves. Yet, I highly doubt it.

Fellas-We all know dating can be tricky. If an excessive percentage of your body is covered in 3rd degree burns, or you're the elephant man, it's even more tricky. If you are either of the aforementioned individuals, I wouldn't even read the rest of this post. Because women are often very shallow and they will never accept an elephant man, even if you drive a nice Camry. Sad but true. They don't like it when we ask them if their thighs are more chubby lately, yet that's simply a health-related question which is related to the science of nutrition. Whereas their preoccupation with men who aren't horribly disfigured is basically just them being mean. Do you want to be with a gender who's mean? Neither do I. Let's be gay. Ok, just kidding. Enough with the gay jokes already.

Now if you're reading this blog, it's likely you have serious problems. So the tips that follow are geared toward the men who know even less than I do about women. That's pretty sad.

First, some basic terms. If you're at a restaurant with another person, and it's a girl, you may be involved in the disturbing predicament known as a date. Most dates suck, but that doesn't mean you should never go on any. The purpose for dates, mostly, is so you can write about them in some crappy blog that no one reads. Dates are also good for wasting money you could've used for online poker or a chewbacca lunchbox.

What's the point of all this? You need to be able to read a woman's body language if you're going to have any success whatever in the dating arena. Many dating gurus and relationship experts talk about body language, and how important it is to be able to interpret it correctly. If you made a ridiculous joke just now in your mind about how there's only one type of body language that's important, or something equally juvenile, that's why you never score. Don't get mad, how do you think I knew that?

Anyway, I've noticed that these so-called experts assign great significance to obscure concepts such as whether or not your date's feet are pointing towards the equator, or if they're pointed sort of towards Italy, or if her eyebrow is twitching in a manner that might indicate wantoness. This type of advice is useless to me, and other men who do well just to recognize that the woman across from them is both a) Still sitting at the table, and b) Not on fire. To their knowledge. Thus, I offer you a thoroughly utilitarian body language guide, complete with explanations.

The Sullen Scowl: This is indicative of her hate for you. Or her ex-boyfriend who kind of looks like you. This date is over.

The Sullen Scowl With Red Laser Beams Shooting Out of Eyes: This means she has superpowers and/or you are on hallucinogens. Either way, this date is over.

Doesn't Laugh At You In Cruel Way: If she isn't openly ridiculing your effeminate gestures or bolo tie, this means you're still in the game. Barely, but you are. If she's laughing at your clever jokes and witty banter, though, how do you do that? Email me later.

The Leave: This is where your date leaves. This can be subtle, but if you stay alert, you will realize she's no longer talking, or even at the restaurant. If this happens, she remembered why she didn't really want to go out with you in the first place, but it had been a couple months, and her girlfriends wouldn't shut up about why she's still single (The reason is her best option is you. Get my drift?). But I stray from my point, which is that your date just left. If this date isn't over, it definitely has limited potential.

The Leave with Different Man: This one's a doozy. Not only does your date leave, she leaves with a person that is not you. This one is painful but necessary, so that you can understand your position on the totem pole of life. (your position is the part that’s buried in the ground)

So there it is, basically. The five most common non-verbal cues women give. These cues indicate you're probably the elephant man after all, even after you pretended you weren't. Who were you trying to kid? It's either that, or your personality is really bad. Honestly, I don’t know what your problem is. Best of luck though, I have a feeling you're gonna need it.