Hey everybody guess what happened to me I got killed in a terrorist bomb explosion and my car went down into this ravine and got stuck at the bottom--and then it exploded again and again, killing me so bad! After that, I fell into a deep coma and paralyzed all of my fingernails. However, I took several vitamin C tablets and feel much better. Wow, that was a close call, I am blessed.

Alright, I know I've been gone awhile. Now out of nowhere, I waltz back onto the scene like some kind of absentee father/abusive legal guardian. And I expect the results to be similarly disappointing, so we might as well just get on with it. Perhaps you're curious about the true nature of my activities these past weeks. Was I playing co-ed bathing suit twister every day with Jessica Alba? In a big vat of jello? Well, I've thought about it a lot and written several detailed entries in my journal regarding that, but no. It never really panned out. The point is, you likely pined for my musky scent, and occasionally thought of me in a romantic light. Which is fine. We all have dreams. Let me tell you about one of my most recent ones. When it starts out, Jessica Alba and I are in this big vat of jello, right? Ok, just messing with you.

So now what? After 3 weeks, I better have something to talk about aside from jello. I think jello's awesome, but even I can't see it as the actual topic for a blog post. And that's saying something. Since I've been away for so long, maybe it's best if we just slowly ease back into it, get back to basics. I'll start: Who around here believes in Thor, god of thunder? Can you support your position? Wait, that's a little heavy. One time I met a centaur...no...wow, I'm definitely rusty. All my topics seem really uninspired, and I think I know why. The truth is, I have a job now, and all my creative energy is dedicated to hating it. Maybe I should just talk about it, that’s what girls do. Talk and talk. Talky talk talk. Anyway, I think the only reasonable compromise is to dispense the information in quiz form, in order to maintain the mysterious air I have about me. Let's get rolling…

In the past 3 weeks, I:

a) definitely didn't become a manager at Hollister
b) became a manager at Hollister
c) publicly ridiculed Hollister, then became a manager there


A Hollister management position is lucrative if:

a) you're a starving Somalian
b) it was 1936
c) you don't understand how money works

Some of the 18-year-olds that work at Hollister are:

a) so annoying I want to drown them
b) well-read and socially conscious
c) dead, hopefully

Since taking this job, I feel:

a) like i should start a vicodin habit
b) good, but not as good as if I knew how to get lots of vicodin
c) sad that I don't know

I now own:

a) 1 pair of jeans with holes in them
b) 2 pairs of jeans with holes in them
c) someone please kill me

My boss, the store manager, is:

a) quirky
b) undiagnosed bipolar
c) mad as a hatter


True or False (I'll help you with this part)

1. I'm a failure. True
2. Someday, I will look back on all this and smile. False
3. Everything used to be one big joke, but now that I work at Hollister it's not so funny anymore, is it? No. I mean True, it's not funny

1-2 correct: You don't care at all about me, or my life. Your apathy is palpable.
3-7 correct: You don't care that much either, but you made it to the part where I gave you 3 of the answers. You tolerate me.
8-9 correct: You love everything about me. You would like to know more, but feel stymied by my mysterious nature.

Well, I hope everyone enjoyed this quiz. It was somewhat depressing to write, by the way, so thanks a lot. It's not enough that I have a dead-end job, you're not satisfied until you've totally undermined my confidence. That's just perfect.