My roommate advised me not to blog if I didn't have anything funny to say, but I've found that his brain is really very tiny. Thus, I present this week's findings.
For starters, it probably comes as no surprise to any of you that I have about 10 job offers on the table right now. And if you subtract 9 from 10, then what you have is 1, which happens to be the exact number of job offers I actually have. That's called simple math, people.
Yet before I reveal unto the salivating public the details of my imminent career, I must first make a public record of one of the more unsettling interviews I've had in my time. The interview was for a management position at a retail clothing store known as Hollister. For anyone who knows what that is, and finds me pathetic, fine. I've found myself pathetic for far longer than you can imagine, so it's not like you're breaking new ground. For anyone who doesn't know what Hollister is, it's pretty much the same as Abercrombie & Fitch, but with stupider clothes. Why would I ever shop there, then? Well, I stated very clearly not two sentences ago that I was pathetic. Don't make me say it again.
Anyway, the interview was sort of like a game show in a foreign language that takes bizarre and arbitrary twists, never to be satisfactorily explained. At one point, I was quite convinced that satan arranged this interview for his amusement. This is still my best theory. The conversation would be flowing naturally and then Steve (Hollister District Manager, aka, Guy With A Lot of Holes In His Jeans) would say something like, "We don't sell clothes at Hollister."
In all fairness, I think anyone would've been confused by this declaration. Because when I walked into the store for the interview, I definitely saw clothes in there. Some were neatly folded, and some were suspended by wooden hangers. Then there were the clothes at the register which were actively being sold. So I'm thinking, maybe he means, "We don't sell clothes at Hollister if the store is closed", or, "We don't sell clothes at Hollister, and also I'm insane."
I really have no idea. Wanting to stay on his wavelength, I added gravely, "It's more complicated than that..."
Not being remotely fooled by my bluff, he says, "We sell an image."
Now I knew where he was coming from. "Ah, the young, west coast beach lifestyle?" I said, not remembering I was still trapped deep within the bowels of the game show from hell.
"I wouldn't say that. It's more of an edgy, new-bohemian look we're going for."
Whatever you say, I think. New-bohemian, old-bohemian, relatively-recent-bohemian. I don't care what stupid look you're going for, your clothes are ugly. All I want is a job.
Soon, the main topic shifted to the specifics of the management position.
Steve: Essentially, we let the new managers develop their own style and prioritize tasks as they see fit.
Me: So it's a more relaxed training environment, you let the managers find their own way, see what works?
Steve: Well, no. When I said we let the new managers prioritize tasks as they see fit, I meant that Corporate faxes a detailed list of directives at the beginning of the work day, and every manager must adhere to these or he is eaten alive at the close of the business day by these hell beasts I keep under my chair here.
Me: Okay, that seems reasonable.
Steve: On the contrary, it most certainly doesn't. But that's how it is, and we like it that way.
Me: Well that's great then, unless it's not. I don't know. Would you call me if you have any inside information on whether my soul has already been possessed by evil spirits? That would be great, the best number to use is the one on my resumé...
Steve: Your resumé has already been consumed by the fire of redemption. You have failed us, and as an insignificant fly, your life shall be snuffed out.
Me: Okay Steve, or The Devil, that definitely sounds good. I'll catch you later, then.
So I'm pretty sure I nailed that one. My phone should be ringing any minute now. ANNNNYYY minute. Listen to the sweet sound of my phone ringing off the hook. Listen to it, and weep. Hey, now my head's spinning around and around. Looks like I got the job.
posted by Erik @ 2:28 PM
8 Comments:
I remember hearing about one of Gary's first interviews, for an insurance company. It was him and three guys in suits. One of the guys leans forward and asks, "What interests you about dispostition?" "Uh, well, I think it's important to have a good disposition in your work, to be cheerful and willing to learn." Guy number two leans forward. "He said, 'THIS POSITION,' 'What interests you about THIS POSITION'." oops.
may i say that hollister is my all-time favoritest store ever? if by "all-time favoritest" you interpret that as "never-before visited much less purchased anything no matter how small and insiginificant" that's a pretty accurate statement.
i can't get over thinking when i walk by that it's a store to make people who are too young to know who jimmy buffett is live like thier 30 year older counterparts.
i'm pretty sure you posted about something other than parrotheads but i'm feeling a little woozy in the brain so i have no idea what that is anymore.
congrats on the spinning head, i hear that's excellent for attracting people.
Erik, I really enjoyed this. I am almost selfishly hoping you will go on many more interviews to give you more material like this to blog about.
Maybe you should have said to Steve:
My management abilities are just an image too, so this job is perfect for me.
on my resume it DOES say
"heatherfeather
erik's PR specialist"
Do you know how many interviews I've had in my life? I didn't think so, but the answer is two. They were both when I was graduating from University about a million years ago.
In the first one, the guy asked me if I had done any special software projects or had anything like that to point to. Apparently he was expecting me to give him a reason why he should hire me over the other 30 people he had interviewed that day. This was confusing, since I'd thought I could just show up and they'd hire me because I was about to graduate soon and I'm fairly tall.
After that interview, I drove back to work at the company where I was interning, and upon seeing me enter my office wearing a tie, my boss knew I was interviewing. He called me into his office and said "I guess I'd better make you an offer or you're going to go somewhere else. It's $30K a year and it's not negotiable. There's health insurance and a profitsharing plan. If you chase skirts while you travel for us, you're fired. Any questions?"
His head was spinning when he said it, but I didn't notice because $30K was a lot of money to me then. I do miss my soul, though.
First off -- hilarious post--we've learned to expect nothing less from you though. Secondly, I just treated myself to the almost as funny experience of visiting the Hollister web site where you can view silly pictures of rich people with too much time on their hands dressing up as poor people. You can also listen to the "Hollister Music" which consists of one guy strumming on a guitar he learned to play about a half an hour ago and another guy who's singing something that he's got to be making up as he goes along. My favorite clothes are the jeans which all appear to have been dragged through a particularly gruesome crime scene and then run over by a convoy of army tanks. One of the jeans is named the "Trestles Destroyed Vintage" described as: "Straight 100% cotton, rides straight and easy, random abrasions, inconsistent blown out holes, button fly, Destroyed Wash, Straight Fit, Imported"
I think the "imported" thing is a nice touch.
erin-hah. :) luckily the hollister guy wasn't from the bronx or wherever, because i probably woulda put a cap in him. BANG sucker, now what position are you in??!
hf-i can't believe you've never been to the store that i'm about to pledge the rest of my professional career to. you must think you're too good for hollister or something. i just can't understand that at all.
oh yeah, and thanks for the PR work! i can't believe you really put that on your resume, not a lot of people would do that, probably not even you. :)
blogball-how did you know that about my management skills? you're pretty much on the money, but i'm just curious if you were watching me in my old job, or what... :)
thomas-thanks for stopping by. my next post will probably be even better than this one, if you can imagine that. and if it isn't, well, i don't think that will shock anyone too much.
bryan-i know what you mean about being tall and just taking off your shirt and letting the interviewer stare at your body for awhile. that's what i did with my abercrombie & fitch interview today. you said you did that right? ...anyway, i slowly peeled my shirt off and did this pose that showed my lats at their full potential. don't be afraid to strip down man, that's my advice to you for future interviews.
p.s. go low-carb, high-protein for a few days before the interview for maximum definition in the abdominal region!!
unca, it's funny you should mention the music. when i was waiting in the store before the interview, they were playing some sounds that sounded a little bit like they were supposed to be songs. depressed at that possibility, i didn't listen anymore, and mercifully, the interview took place outside the store. not sure how i will address this problem if i accept their illustrious offer. look at me, now i think i'm all cool, and all i have is a hollister job offer--where i will likely wear trestled destroyed-by-tanks vintage jeans everyday.
i think selling your soul for a job and health insurance should be required. it's a life-experience everyone should have, like getting splashed at the sidewalk on a rainy day.
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