A couple days ago, some guy at work asked me if I kept a journal. That struck me funny, because I have this blog, which is like the gold standard for journals. The sheer irony of that blows my mind. Seriously, hold on a second, I'm still reeling.

So what's the secret formula for a good journal, i.e., what makes a journal rule? Well, any journal worth its salt will contain whole paragraphs that no reasonable person should be able to understand. This generates confusion and frustration on the part of the reader, which is better than nothing. In my personal experience, people will just email me outright and say, "What are you trying to pull?" Or in the comments section they'll put, "What are you trying to pull?" Others automatically assume that what I do is a made-up form of hieroglyphics. Which I take as a compliment. Think back to the last episode you saw of "Unsolved Mysteries". Pretty good stuff, right?

Now, only one final question must be answered: Over the last century or so, whose achievements were more impressive, mine or Albert Einstein's? Let's back away and let history decide. Let time and the opinion of thousands of my followers have the final word. I imagine the verdict will be in my favor, but let's pretend like there's some suspense about it.

Not everyone should keep a journal though, or even a blog. That's stupid, and I'll tell you why. What if a shepherd recorded his daily activities? That could get monotonous.

November 17th, 2005: The sheep refuse to exhibit any sort of individuality. I don't know how to explain it, but none of them seem willing to assume anything resembling a leadership position. Sure, they bumped into each other a lot today, as they do every day--and though I would like to think they were jostling for position, the grim truth is that they were probably just acting like sheep. What's more, in reviewing my previous 897 entries, I see that every one is identical. Indeed, this journal is beginning to take on a rather indistinct quality.

November 18, 2005: The sheep refuse to exhibit any sort of individuality. I don't know how to explain it, but alright, friggin' forget this, I hate this journal, I'm done, I'm leaving. Oh there's a surprise, the sheep are following me. Stop it!! Go that way!

Another example of a journal that should never be kept is a homeless person's, because here's all it would say:

November 17th, 2005- I ran out of gas, AGAIN! I just need 40 cents. Or a dollar. Does anyone have a dollar? Hey buddy--yeah, out of gas, just a couple miles back. My wife and kid are right down the road there, in the car. No change? That's cool man, God bless.

Hi, excuse me, sir? Sir, hi...

p.s. Excuse me, ma'am? My car's out of gas right down the road, just need enough money to get to L.A. Wife and kid are in the car, kid's got luekemia. Early stages, no big deal, just trying to get to L.A. No change? Ok, have a good one.

The next journal you'll probably want to skip is the one written by the hot girl at my gym, because it would be even more monotonous than the shepherd's.

November 17th, 2005: I look really good in these pants. That non-fat frappaccino this morning was amazing! I really do look so good in these pants. Justin Timberlake is hot. I wonder if anyone's looking at me yet. No...c'mon, somebody look. Is anybody looking? No...Now? Now? No...yes! No, he's gross, ew gross. That man. is so. gross. I look good in these pants. Frappaccinos are good. I'm extremely attractive. Bye for now journal!

See what I'm saying? It's eloquent, but it's not exactly Anne Frank II.

Another type of journal that would be really boring is one written by a jet pilot shot down over enemy territory, who had to fight his way back to friendly soil. His only weaponry is a small stick and he must eat only acorns, because the arid climate of his environment prohibits the growth of everything but acorns. If he doesn't get back across safely, nuclear war will break out, because the two warring nations are famous for miscommunicating. Actually, that could be quite gripping. You know what, I take that one back altogether. That would be a good read.

I guess the overall point is, unless you're a jet pilot, or me, I would check yourself before spewing reams of indecipherable drivel out onto the internet. Have a point to what you write, you know?