Before I even get started, I want to emphasize that I have nothing against black people. No, I'm kidding. I think I actually stole that line from one of Hitler's early interoffice memos. I bet you were pretty nervous about where that was headed, though. Personally, I think you should relax. Several studies have linked high stress levels to abdominal, or "belly" fat. Last I checked, belly fat was disgusting, and I don't think it's going to be any different when you get it.

Your nervous energy aside, it's high time to get back to basics at Not Totally Inept. To accomplish this, I will utilize one of my primary tenets, which states Maybe it's good to categorize others in negative ways. Always within reason, though. For instance, say someone you don't like is poor, or has a slightly asymmetrical face. That stuff is obviously fair game. Even if their standing in society is only 1 level below yours, let's be upfront about those shortcomings. Let's have an honest dialogue about that.

Later on, though. Right now it's time to concentrate on the business of today's topic, Why You Shouldn't work In A Mall During the Holidays, Unless You Were Already Going To Kill Yourself Anyway. I'm not playing around, things have reached a boiling point at Hollister Co., and can no longer be ignored like the time you french-kissed your cousin. You kissed him, don't lie to me.

Believe me, I've made every effort to prevent this site from turning into a brilliantly written anti-consumerist manifesto, but it's no use--the truth must be spoken. Actually, I still don't understand anything about the economy or politics, so it probably won't be spoken this time around. Plus, I buy frivolous crap like Hollister t-shirts and xbox headsets, which is tough to defend no matter where you're standing. I guess the point is, you can buy frivolous crap, and you can even buy it from Hollister Co., just try not to be so annoying while you're doing it. Below you will find a list of responses I created ahead of time for customers, so they can just read it, in lieu of having me stab them to death.

1. The music is this loud because I hate you. If the music were not so loud, then you would enjoy life more, which doesn't seem like something I'd be into.

2. Yes, I have something against light. Specifically, I knew you liked it, so I made sure that all Hollister stores in America didn't have any of it, in case you decided to shop at one. Now you are here, unwitting pawn, which means my plan has come full circle.

3. Our sizes run this small because you're gigantic.

4. The sleeves are too long because your arms are almost cartoonishly stubby, like Mr. Potato Head, or a T-Rex.

5. No, you can't buy that shirt off the mannequin. I don't know why, you just can't. Some stuff in life is like that, like you not being able to buy that shirt.

6. This is a clearance table, which is Spanish for, "we're desperately hoping you'll buy the last of our totally heinous, otherwise unsaleable crap. Even by our standards, this stuff is garbage. If there were another size, it would also be on this heaping pile of sartorial abominations."

7. No, we can't "open up" another register just because you've been waiting for 11 seconds. I'll tell you what, though. How about if I open up a can of whoop-you-know-what, right on your dome-piece? That seems like a good compromise.

8. Yeah, just sign there on the touch pad. How am I supposed to know where it is, it's almost pitch-black in here. Just take the pen and make short stabbing motions. No, over there. No, over there. No, over there. No, over there. Yeah, there.

Now, the above list may lead you to believe that the holiday season has made me a bitter man, or caused me to wonder why I'm 30 and working retail, or maybe sometimes I cry in the stockroom. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. If you want me to be honest, I have a new appreciation for people, namely women. Think about it, how messed up would that be if men were constantly asking the same questions you've already heard, like, 7 million times, just so they could get with you? In my experience, the woman punches you in the face, making it slightly asymetrical. Am I right, or am I right, ladies? See, I truly understand you lovely creatures. I think one of you should come over later and we'll talk about it some more. If you don't want to, that's cool. Merry Christmas anyway, and relax. You look kind of stressed out, if you catch my drift.