Now I Will Teach You About Other Things

As many of you have probably figured out by now, I'm an idea man. A stream of ideas, basically flowing out like a sweet Carolina river into the open sea. The river is my brilliance and the open sea is your collective apathy for brilliant things--things which would likely improve your otherwise bleak and empty lives. You actually remind me of slow-forming barnacles, but more useless.

Ok, that wasn't very fun for you, was it? You were forced to look in the mirror for a moment, and it was very ugly. But now the healing begins. Because the objective here was to emphasize the danger of negative reinforcement. For example, many of you have probably stopped reading by now, and to be honest, I can't argue with that. No, my beef is with the California vehicle code. If you think about it, the system fosters an atmosphere of hate and low self-esteem in California residents everywhere.

Take me for instance. I'm extremely wary of getting any more speeding tickets, which makes me feel badly about myself. But maybe it would be different if I knew that cops only pulled people over to ask about their day and give out hugs. Or maybe they could hand out coupons for auto parts stores, or dispense high-speed driving tips.

"Wow, lookin' good out there today, Mr. Ryan. If you could try to keep it under 105 through that school zone up ahead, that'd be great, but if not that's cool, too. By law I must now give you this $500 credit for Auto Zone. You are an exceptional person."

I know what you're thinking--children wouldn't be able to go outside anymore. First of all, have you ever heard of Playstation? Park your urchins in front of that thing for about 8 hours a day 7 days a week, and tell me how much motivation they have for even making it to the bathroom in time, much less the front door. Second, would you
teach your kids to play on a racetrack? Next question. Last but not least, for the remedial math students out there: Drivers would be on the road for less overall time. As we know, rate of velocity (also known as calibration ratio) multiplied by speed ("Speedtime" + Distance), gives you the inertia of the engine calipers...no. Something...Ok, honestly I don't remember all of it. The point is, cars are getting from one place to another so fast, they cause no accidents, because they are driving EXTREMELY FAST. I hope all that stuff becomes a law really soon.

Sorry, I hope you weren't doing anything important. Because that would suck to read all of this, and then not even have a link to where you could sign up for my cause!

Hobos Can Be Rich--With The Spirit Of Thanksgiving

As I was pondering the prospect of imminent turkey consumption, I discovered a few innovative, not to mention brilliant, thoughts I had. Since you’ll probably just keep bugging me until I share them, here you are: My first epiphany was that many families get together, eat and do other stuff on Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving “traditions”, if you will. But let me take this a step further. Homeless people, even though they’re not really people per se, must know about Thanksgiving, right? Right?? So what do they do on this special day, especially if they’re one of those “lone wolf” homeless people? I’m willing to bet that in your general insensitivity to streetperson culture, you just assumed they wouldn’t have any traditions. So now scoring good meth, putting a yellow cleaning glove on your head, and shouting unintelligibly at passing cars doesn’t count for anything? I guess going into a Jack-in-the-Box, acting like you want to order something, and then just stealing ketchup and other condiments isn’t “high class” enough for you. I can almost see your smug faces right now. I guess you have all the ketchup you need, maybe that’s what’s going on here. Maybe in high school you sat at the Carl's Jr. table and hit the ketchup packet with your fist, exploding it all over everything. I will grant you, that was pretty funny. Heh...wow, that's still pretty funny. But let’s collect ourselves.

Even though these people are essentially worthless as human beings, they still might do stuff on Thanksgiving other than walk around with a urine smell. Ok? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to scold you. It’s just that I’ve always had the ability to identify with those who are so far below me in life that they are like tiny little ant creatures. You can call it a gift, or you can call it noble. I just call it compassion.

I Have A Grand Vision For This Mole Hill

Sometimes I'm boggled at how easy it is to stir up the masses. For those of you who recently emerged from a time capsule, we're currently fighting a war in Iran. Wait, Iraq. Iraq Iraq Iraq. Then Iran, then South Korea. Then maybe Puerto Rico, if George is feeling surly that day. Bring the pain, Puerto Rico, bring the pain. Despite this, we somehow managed to make a steamy television commercial for "Desperate Housewives" a topic of national concern. In case you missed it, ABC aired a sexually-themed tv commercial for said show during Monday Night Football. Now you could argue that I'm only contributing to the hysteria by bringing it up, but Hysteria is a Def Leppard album which was released in 1987, and it, unlike your would-be point, rocks.

A large percentage of citizens on various forums chimed in about how the spot was everything from 'unacceptable' (some guy in a suit), 'out-and-out disgrace' (another guy in a suit), to 'smokin' hot' (me). But how hypocritical can we get? There's more inappropriate content from the cheerleaders at halftime of an NBA game than 10 Desperate Housewives promos put together. As a Sacramento Kings season ticket holder, I'm constantly wishing for more indecency, but what can you do? You just saddle up and ride on, soldier. Plus, all the Kings 'Royal Court Dancers' have their own profiles at nba.com. So if you were into that sort of thing, you could investigate on your own and find out that Tawni likes horsebacking riding. Not that I even care about her. Even though she apparently doesn't know how to return a phone call, or even multiple phone calls right in a row, over and over again. But whatever.

In closing, many assumed a 'what's the big deal?' stance toward the skit. This makes them brilliant, since they agree with me. Remember that correlation, and you should do well in this life. Stray from it, and I will strike you down faster than lightning.


p.s. While "Hysteria" was certainly good in its time, everything has a time. And that time is NOW. Pourr-rrrr sum sugah on MAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!! (me)

My friend was talking about peeing and how much Portlanders pee. Weird, I agree. But she's a fighter, and she functions without government assistance of any kind. More power to her. Logically, this got me thinking about the FDA daily recommended allowance of water atoms. As you know, President Bush ran under a pro-water platform, and the issue was hotly debated throughout the 2004 campaign. I think it may have even been the central topic for debate number 3, but that's neither here nor there. My real point is that water is very important, and that many organisms use water to live. I drink a lot of it, for example. Also, our bodies are machines. They are water machines, dedicated to producing water molecules, as well as babies, if you're a woman.

However, new research shows that you should also drink soda pop, and lots of it! It should be noted that these findings were dependent on whether or not you want to be obese and go to the dentist a lot.

I hope you guys find this information useful. I also hope I write about something interesting soon, just to mix things up. I have a feeling you won't want to miss my next post, which could either be about those rolley-polley bugs, or efficient vacuuming techniques. Stay close.

Total Fitness

I was at the gym recently and was able to catch a little of "Kevin Hill" on UPN. Sometimes when I'm having motivational problems, I'll look to hollywood stars for inspiration on how to get my body looking just so. It's a process, people.

From what I could gather, Kevin Hill is a young, exceedingly heterosexual, rich and handsome lawyer living in New York. What can I say, I've always been drawn to stories about the underdog.

Anyway, there's a scene where our embattled hero is apologizing to a woman for not returning calls, and/or for being really good-looking. This is a woman who could pass for Rebecca Romijn's younger but more beautiful twin--who is also a pediatrician, and probably the head of hunger-relief effort in Africa. So, to recap: Could be a model, is a pediatrician, and is possible founder of The United Way.

He's apologizing, explaining that they had fun, but it was getting too serious so he had to stop seeing her. Obviously! Seemed like a questionable decision, but I was on board--far be it from me to question Kevin's life choices. But then they obliterate all possible boundaries of believability and cue the plaintive, soul-searching theme music as he walks out of the hospital and onto the lonely streets of manhattan. You know this song?

"Ooo-ooh child, things are gonna get brighter, ooo-ooh child, things
are gonna get easier..."

So things will get easier like he might get to date a heart surgeon playboy bunny next? Or maybe strangers will heave gold bullion in his direction as he walks down the street, sensing that, despite his success, he cannot yet purchase his own island. One thing we know, Kevin will fight through these difficult times, and overcome the nearly imperceptible blips of resistance he encounters with great style and cool suits. It was almost as if the director had gotten a glimpse into my world, and was trying to reproduce it on-screen. Almost.

One positive I left the gym with: Sensing that Kevin's success was somehow connected to his well-defined abdominal muscles, and feeling ashamed and worthless about my own, I put in 300 extra crunches. And they say TV isn't healthy, I don't get that.

I am a warrior

By nature I'm an optimistic guy, at least when compared to such notable historical figures as Friederich Nietzsche or Grouchy Smurf. But seriously, I generally have a pretty good outlook. I believe in love, the inherent goodness of man, and the possibility of Paris Hilton being run over by a bus in my lifetime. As you can see, I'm one of the good guys. But people are always trying to bring me down and do things against me (free tip for readers: if something happens to you that you don't like, it can often help to lose all perspective and blame others for your hardships. This is a life lesson that should serve you well in the future. Cling stubbornly to it as if it were your first born child).

What I'm really getting at is that I played basketball this weekend and sprained my left ankle yet again, an occurrence which has instilled in me the bitter emotional combination of grief and anger. I believe the psychology texts refer to this as the G & A's of well-being. Or I could've made that up just now. Anyway, this combo will make a shambles of your life if you let it. Luckily, I am a warrior of the first order, so this setback is as a tiny anthill to me, nothing more. A tiny, insignificant, approximately 29,000 foot-high anthill.

Am I disappointed? Certainly. But it's not like I'm worried about it. Sure, I have inescapable anxiety attacks, and a seething, unrelenting hatred of myself, followed by thoughts of self-harming, but who doesn't?? Just remember to keep things positive, and stay around your friends, who in general will discourage you from going into your room and cutting again. At least real friends do...I hate those guys...anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, if you feel like giving in, don't feel bad about that. People lose all hope everyday, and you're no different! Life's way too hard anyway, not to mention pointless.

Put down the noose and back away from the chair

Suck it up troopers, it's not as if we re-elected a dyslexic monkey
for another term. I mean, it's *kind of* like that, but not exactly.

...

Ok, you're right. It's pretty much like that. Dang it!!

(No offense, monkeys. I still have much love for you.)