Philosophy 101

Lately I've been taking it easy on you all, mostly because I think you're good people. But guess what? Recess is over, and it's time to start taking on the tough topics.

First, a general social science question: Does the spider and flame tatoo over the left eye come first, or does the multiple homicide come first? Never really gave that much thought, did you?

Here's another one that doesn't have an easy answer. Does a love for the works of Thomas Kinkade, painter of light, come first, or do the head blows resulting in major damage to the frontal lobe come first? This is the kind of thing I'm trying to work out, because seriously, I'm stumped.

While you decipher that one, have you thought about the motive behind those hideous flags, complete with pictures of the sun or bunny rabbits, that hang outside otherwise normal-looking homes? Is this so that I will, in a final moment of desperation, succumb and set fire to every single one of them in the neighborhood? Hard to say.

Does time actually stop when an old person is at the ATM in front of you? Or does it just seem that way? Initially, I thought it was the latter, but the other day, as I was waiting for Rip Van Winkle to finish his transaction, I looked around, and everyone was completely frozen in time. 13 Earth-minutes later, when Grampa Moses got clear of the machine, having apparently finished re-programming Bank of America's entire ATM network, everything started moving at normal speed again. Make sense of that one!

Ok, if I could switch gears here just a little, I offer you a moral conundrum. This was from an ethics class I took in college, I hope I remember it right. If a drunken, belligerent fraternity member pounds on the hood of your car and flips you off as he walks in front of you, should you simply exit the vehicle and beat him with a tire iron, or accelerate through the crosswalk at high speed before he makes it past your car? It might *seem* like you should do both, but consider--if you run him over first, he will not thrash about in an unseemly manner as you apply the tire iron. Yeah, I missed that one, too. Things are not always as simple as they seem!

One last thing I need cleared up: When people drive 24.5 mph in a 25 zone, are they just kidding? Cause it's not that funny.

I apologize for having to play hardball with you, but often that's the only way to get something accomplished. Somebody has to take on the hard-hitting questions, and why should you be absolved? I think we made a lot of progress here today, but make no mistake: I will continue to come at you pointedly and without hesitation. I will make your life a living hell. It will make your head spin, how hard and fast I come at you.

Hey look at this title

Unsurprisingly, this site gets hundreds of visitors (or two, I can't remember which) per day. As you might imagine, responding to the load of emails (none) is a pretty daunting task. If I don't reply right away, that means you never sent me anything (very likely). So lacking any real direction, aside from Rebecca and Josh's extremely useful suggestions for tuna-oriented discussion, I've settled on a crap-off-the-top-of-my-head motif.

With that in mind, you know when a radio station does some sort of promotion for a blood drive or car wash, or whatever? It doesn't matter how uninteresting the event is, the DJ is always having a heart attack about HOW UNBELIEVABLY COOL it is. Often it's difficult to determine whether aliens have landed, or if someone has donated 1 dollar to fight toenail cancer, as both of these occurrences evoke equal amounts of enthusiasm from the DJ. I wish they would just be honest and say,

"Ok, This Walk-A-Thon is quite possibly the most boring experience I've had in life, to this point. It is utterly devoid of any entertainment value whatsoever. In fact, I strongly encourage listeners to drive by and throw eggs or something, as that might spice things up. Thanks."

And then I'd be cool with it. But it doesn't matter if they're broadcasting from some kid's lemonade stand or at a paint-drying contest, they'll try to pass it off as the most fascinating, wild and crazy event ever--and if you don't drive over right now to check it out, you probably suck or are really stupid or something. One good thing though, if the event is exceptionally terrible, it's fun listening to the DJ convince himself that things are rockin'...

"Yeah, I'm over here in the Sherwin Williams Janitor closet, and is it ever going nuts in here! This could be premature, but it looks like the ProClassic Super Gloss is drying up just a *hair* quicker than the StylePerfect Flat mixture! I just didn't foresee that! But you don't need me to tell you about it, get down here and check it OOOUUUUTT!! Also, I think they locked me in here--maybe somebody could just come down, if even to open the door for me? Somebody? A little help here? Anyway, this is awesome!"

Maybe this isn't a big deal to anyone else, but if I'm going to spend a saturday with KROQ at say, Fairview Middle School library, I need to know: Are things *actually* rockin' down there, or do I need to plan my social life around a different radio station? Do not toy with me KROQ!

This Just In

I saw the following headline in the paper yesterday:

NBA Player Cited For Marijuana

This to me is somewhere along the lines of, "Exotic Dancer Swirls Hips In Sensual Manner".

Not judging, I'm just saying--some guys in the NBA make Cheech and Chong look like DEA agents. Damon Stoudamire of the Blazers (the irony is thick) has been caught so many times, I think the referees have started frisking him before he subs in. Anyway, in the spirit of the original newsflash, I've compiled a short list of other things that are also not headlines.


Al-Quaeda Popularity in America Wanes, Post 9/11

Brad Pitt Not Ugly

Michael Jackson Kind Of Weird

Kevin Bacon Makes Film

Pro Athlete's Salary More Than Bolivia GNP

New Reality Show Not Very Good

College Fraternity Orders Keg

Marilyn Manson Total Freak

Book Slightly Better Than The Movie

New Study: 860 Fat Grams Per Day Unhealthy

Despite Being 'Kick-Ass', US Still Hated By Most Of World

Orgasms 'Enjoyable' Says Entire Population of Earth

Blog Less Funny Than Author Thinks

Hah, I just threw that last one in there as a pre-emptive strike,
in case you wanted to get clever. I am too fast for that, we're
playing major league ball here, kids!!

I need to dialogue with you

There are definite cons to working in tiny gopher cubicles for extended periods. One of the more well-known is the tendency toward using stupid catch-phrases and weak metaphors. Luckily I'm at peace with this, having rotted away at a software company for the last 7 years. Plus, I have more important things to worry about, such as the 49ers salary cap, and how much longer I'm going to rot away at this software company. Anyway, I've long come to accept the standard corporate-speak. But you should not be allowed to make up new ones, especially if they defy all laws of analogy and linguistics.

I heard a co-worker say the other day, "there's just too many hands in the fire on this one."

Too many hands in the fire? Does that mean our product sucks so bad that everyone is vying to see who can light themselves on fire the fastest? Maybe the actual meaning is biblical, and the fire is like eternal damnation? Too close to call. I'm sure the intended meaning was something along the lines of 'too many cooks in the kitchen', but can you imagine trying to keep up with this stuff if English wasn't your native language? That'd be tough!

Chinese employee on work exchange program: "People must burn themselves in your company? This does not seem good to me. Plus, I have too many heads on my plate right now. No, that not right..."

I'm sure this nonsense goes on in other countries, too. I'd probably leave our headquarters in China (if we had one) more confused (if that's possible) than when I got there. The potential pitfalls are numerous, but how about relaying the overseas directive to get our employees up to speed. My trip report to the home office:

"First of all, the overseas V.P. of Marketing feels we need more people standing on top of similar pages. Also, we need to either get as many U.S.-based employees addicted to speed as soon as possible, or high on speed once by the end of the week. I wasn't sure which. Either way, I thought this was a brilliant paradigm shift. Here, want this needle?"

How to get money so you can be happy, too

When a guy says he's "not a gambling man", what does that really mean? Does it mean that he will only gamble at indian casinos because he supports the indians, or if the casino doesn't make me leave, or if it's poker night at my friend Greg's house? If so, then I'm not a gambling man. But seriously, if my family needed the money for food, I wouldn't bet every last cent unless I was feeling really lucky. And I'm talking double-horseshoe power-luck vibes here. Even so, it's probably best I don't have a family yet, because why test the power of the double-horseshoe. Now, let's talk about how great I was when I won $175 playing blackjack in Vegas last weekend.

The first reason I was able to do this is because I'm awesome, and the second is that my friend told me what to do every time. Except when I would win. Then I would calmly take over, and look around the casino like getting blackjack was the most boring thing that could ever happen to someone. That was more awesome than winning the hand! I think the ladies (or should I say "lady"--one in particular was quite persistent) liked my style, too. Jeff said that the persistency was due primarily to her being a waitress, and that it was "her job" to get me a drink. Ooh, jealousy can be ugly, can it not? You should talk to someone about that, Jeff. Not too attractive, my friend.

Anyway, as you can see, it's fairly obvious I know what I'm doing with my money. Don’t push ladies, there's plenty of daddy to go around. Now run along and get me a bottled water. I'm so wealthy it's disgusting!!

Toons!

A couple months ago, I decided it was time to create a total artistic abonimation, in the form of a comic strip. I guess it wasn't a complete debacle, as in I didn't stab my eye out with my pencil when I was drawing it. So if you have an unrealistically strict definition of debacle, I foresee disappointment in your immediate future.

And remember, before you get all hostile, that criticism is most helpful when the critique is something the artist may not realize. So you can skip the part where you tell me that your 3 year old son, daughter and/or nephew can draw better than me, even though your nephew is a dog or a dust particle or something. I know. Even so, it begins now, the unleashing of cave-style drawings with marginally humorous dialogue:


communication is important 

I can draw these things all day, ok people? Don't test my patience. Actually, I've already drawn some, but my scanner broke before I had a chance to get them onto my PC. I chose to take this as a sign that I need a bigger, faster scanner, not that I should quit. You are lucky I'm such an optimist!

Games!

I was listening to a radio show this morning--the hosts were discussing road trip games they played as kids, and were asking listeners to call in with the ones they enjoyed as children. This made me realize that I need to find a new morning show, but that's not my point. They talked about the classics, such as slug-bug and the alphabet sign game, but there were also a few I hadn't heard of. Ah, I can see this topic has piqued your interest--"lesser known road trip games", the sheer wonderment of it all!

So what struck me was that they all seemed pretty arbitrary. There was one where if you see a car with one headlight out, you either kiss, or hit, your opponent, depending on your relationship with them. Like if it's your sister, you make out with her and if it's your girlfriend, no wait...i messed that up. There's another game wherein both contestants scan the road for cars with wood paneling. If you see one of these, you say, "padiddle", thereby creating instant immunity from corporal punishment. Clever! Anyway, I had never heard of either of these games, and it got me thinking--there are some serious loopholes to be exploited here. Riding with someone you don't like? Make up a game real quick:

"...yeah, if I see a traffic light, or a car, or if I look at my arm right now, I get to strike you repeatedly with my bare fists. While I'm doing this, you must tell me how handsome I am, over and over again. Then the game is over."

If you're cruising along with a girl you're into, and things are not moving quite fast enough for your tastes, you pull out the appropriate game. "What?? You've never heard of '3 way street'? Yeah, whenever I see 11 feet of asphalt, in a continuous stretch without a freeway overpass, you must arrange for us a group date with your hot roommate, and then buy me an iPod. And then the game is over."

Or whatever. The point is, the rules of "3 way street" are up to you, as there's no official governing body for car games. Genius, my friends.