I need to dialogue with you

There are definite cons to working in tiny gopher cubicles for extended periods. One of the more well-known is the tendency toward using stupid catch-phrases and weak metaphors. Luckily I'm at peace with this, having rotted away at a software company for the last 7 years. Plus, I have more important things to worry about, such as the 49ers salary cap, and how much longer I'm going to rot away at this software company. Anyway, I've long come to accept the standard corporate-speak. But you should not be allowed to make up new ones, especially if they defy all laws of analogy and linguistics.

I heard a co-worker say the other day, "there's just too many hands in the fire on this one."

Too many hands in the fire? Does that mean our product sucks so bad that everyone is vying to see who can light themselves on fire the fastest? Maybe the actual meaning is biblical, and the fire is like eternal damnation? Too close to call. I'm sure the intended meaning was something along the lines of 'too many cooks in the kitchen', but can you imagine trying to keep up with this stuff if English wasn't your native language? That'd be tough!

Chinese employee on work exchange program: "People must burn themselves in your company? This does not seem good to me. Plus, I have too many heads on my plate right now. No, that not right..."

I'm sure this nonsense goes on in other countries, too. I'd probably leave our headquarters in China (if we had one) more confused (if that's possible) than when I got there. The potential pitfalls are numerous, but how about relaying the overseas directive to get our employees up to speed. My trip report to the home office:

"First of all, the overseas V.P. of Marketing feels we need more people standing on top of similar pages. Also, we need to either get as many U.S.-based employees addicted to speed as soon as possible, or high on speed once by the end of the week. I wasn't sure which. Either way, I thought this was a brilliant paradigm shift. Here, want this needle?"