Up for debate

Remember SNL's 2000 Gore/Bush debate skits? Those were fun. Since I've mostly written off the notion of any useful discussion occurring tonight, I will present my anticipated version of events:

Jim Lehrer: Ok, start saying stuff you're only gonna say because you think that's what people want to hear.

Kerry: Sure, that's easy. Ok, I am a well-documented war hero. We are still trying to find documents that show my opponent here is even a United States citizen, to say nothing of his military service record. Plus, I do not see how you can question my position on any issue, as they change hourly. Not only that, but did you actually go to "the" Yale? Like with the smart people, the high admissions standards and all that? I don't know how you learned Spanish, but I'm guessing it involved a Speak-N-Spell. Additionally, I have a long face that looks like a horse, and on my strong back will I carry the American people to a brighter future, and more waffles per minute than a busy IHOP kitchen.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. Bush, now you can start saying stuff. But no using the word "strategism".

W: 10-4 Jim, let's roll. Can I say that, let's roll? Ok. Now I'm no expert on the English dialect, but one thing is clear: The Iraqi people need freedom. I need freedom. Your mom needs freedom. Heck, our grand-forefathers fought for it, and maybe they were national guardsmen. Maybe they weren't, who knows? But while we're at it, let's break that whole "freedom" word down into its componentential parts: "Fre", as in frenulum, the highly sensitive tissue at the head of the penis, and "Edom", or "Odom"--as in Lamar Odom, formerly of the Los Angeles Clippers. Will you leave here tonight having no idea what I tried to express? I'm 100% confident of that. Is that a good thing? I'm starting to think so, yes.

Maybe it won't go down exactly like that. But there's always hope...