Philosophy 101

Lately I've been taking it easy on you all, mostly because I think you're good people. But guess what? Recess is over, and it's time to start taking on the tough topics.

First, a general social science question: Does the spider and flame tatoo over the left eye come first, or does the multiple homicide come first? Never really gave that much thought, did you?

Here's another one that doesn't have an easy answer. Does a love for the works of Thomas Kinkade, painter of light, come first, or do the head blows resulting in major damage to the frontal lobe come first? This is the kind of thing I'm trying to work out, because seriously, I'm stumped.

While you decipher that one, have you thought about the motive behind those hideous flags, complete with pictures of the sun or bunny rabbits, that hang outside otherwise normal-looking homes? Is this so that I will, in a final moment of desperation, succumb and set fire to every single one of them in the neighborhood? Hard to say.

Does time actually stop when an old person is at the ATM in front of you? Or does it just seem that way? Initially, I thought it was the latter, but the other day, as I was waiting for Rip Van Winkle to finish his transaction, I looked around, and everyone was completely frozen in time. 13 Earth-minutes later, when Grampa Moses got clear of the machine, having apparently finished re-programming Bank of America's entire ATM network, everything started moving at normal speed again. Make sense of that one!

Ok, if I could switch gears here just a little, I offer you a moral conundrum. This was from an ethics class I took in college, I hope I remember it right. If a drunken, belligerent fraternity member pounds on the hood of your car and flips you off as he walks in front of you, should you simply exit the vehicle and beat him with a tire iron, or accelerate through the crosswalk at high speed before he makes it past your car? It might *seem* like you should do both, but consider--if you run him over first, he will not thrash about in an unseemly manner as you apply the tire iron. Yeah, I missed that one, too. Things are not always as simple as they seem!

One last thing I need cleared up: When people drive 24.5 mph in a 25 zone, are they just kidding? Cause it's not that funny.

I apologize for having to play hardball with you, but often that's the only way to get something accomplished. Somebody has to take on the hard-hitting questions, and why should you be absolved? I think we made a lot of progress here today, but make no mistake: I will continue to come at you pointedly and without hesitation. I will make your life a living hell. It will make your head spin, how hard and fast I come at you.