I Like Long Walks On The Beach

By the way, to demonstrate my commitment to this post, I'm typing every letter with my tongue right now. I figure I owe you something, as the following commentary will likely be as pedestrian and mundane as ever. Indeed, my thoughts have been on the evermore-popular personal networking website, MySpace.com. It's a little bit like friendster, in the sense that they're exactly the same. These types of sites are all well and good, and I'm not here to tell you that you should or shouldn't use them. In the event that you don't use them, you can also find me on Match.com, AdultFriendFinder.com, and Yahoo personals. Ok, I'm only kidding. Close that other window you opened up, my lovelies.

As I was falling asleep last night thinking about MySpace and all the new friends I'm sure to make, I also thought about the way in which most members choose to describe themselves. Yes, it was a slow night. Granted, unless you happen to be the most boring individual in the history of the world, it's hard to sum up your life and personality in a 10 sentence blurb. But these people manage it. There's a box for the self-description called "About me", but it must look like it says "Describe every single person ever born. Please be as unoriginal as possible". Because a startlingly large quantity of folks say things like, "I enjoy having fun and hanging out with friends. Other times, I just like to relax and take it easy!!".

Ok. Have you ever met anyone who hated those things? Why not just say, "sometimes my eyes blink involuntarily, and my body is comprised of millions of living cells", then I would have the same amount of new information about you.

Then there are the guys, most of whom market themselves like this: "If you came over at a random time, you'd probably find me messing with my car, or watching DVD's/TV. I work out even when I'm sleeping. And oh yeah, don't bother, fellas. I dress well, but I'm not gay!!"

You're not gay, but you're as exciting as a stick. I want to meet the girl who goes out with that guy, so I can slap her. But just a playful slap, like, here, I want to give you a hug...(slap!!) Remember, though, playful!!

So, if anybody's interested, my hobbies are working on my car and going to the bathroom. DVD's? Good. Blood is generally pumped from my veins into my heart and lungs, where it is oxygenated, and transferred to other areas of my body. Ahh, now it's time to just kick back and let the ladies come a'knockin'...

Child Labor Laws: Good or Bad? Bad

Initially, I was fine with these legistlative abominations, as I thought they designated the specific ways in which the ungrateful infants in this country must pull their weight. Well, we've been mislead and the truth is not pretty. Apparently, their purpose is to prevent the widespread exploitation and death of children. If you buy into the whole "human rights" agenda the politically correct crowd is pushing these days, sure. But what it boils down to is that the statutes currently in place to protect our nation's youth from wallowing in condemned, slave-like hell holes, are simply not practical for me. Most of these whining urchins died way back during the Industrial Revolution (1986-1988) in iron and coal mines. Do we even have mines anymore? Is there any mining going on? Good question, I'm actually not sure. I think there may be a few stainless steel or perhaps brass mines somewhere in Eurasia, but don't quote me on that. The point is, these labor laws are essentially "mining" laws, and their expiration date is past due, my friends.

Basically, it's time for big government to do a "big" back off. Every time they get involved, something happens where they make it harder for me to oppress the weak, and take their money. I guess the communists running Washington think I'm crapping greenbacks over here. Well I'm not, and unless I can hire some of those little runts to work 16 straight hours for virtually nothing (ok, nothing), then we've got a problem--a little problem I like to call "not being able to customize my Ferrari". Yes, it's time for a little pruning, Uncle Sam.

We already know that God likes America the best out of all the developed countries, and definitely more than crap-holes like Ecuador. But I ask you: How much more dominant could we be if threats of frivolous litigation weren't looming every single time a small child died in a gruesome and unnecessary factory accident? I think you know the answer to that. Stone Cold Steve Austin-dominant. The Guh-venator-dominant. That's the level I'm talking about.

I have one word. Or maybe multiple words strung together that are slightly less catchy, but allow me to more effectively express myself. Number one, pre-school should be more business-oriented. Any knucklehead can pull out a couple crayons and draw something crappy for mom. How will our toddlers become familiar with basic management principles, by locking them in the basement for 6 days with only the NY times business section? Not as effective as you might think, actually. I won't bore you with all the technical details of my proposal, but my ultimate vision includes untold thousands of 4-8 year-olds working for chicken broth. Make no mistake, there will be sorrow. There will be suffering. But in the end, I will be able to acquire far more in the way of material goods, than would otherwise be possible. And that is true freedom. (self-freedom)

That Cannot Be A Foul

As you may or may not know, I'm a Sacramento Kings season ticket holder. While this is certainly one of the main reasons I'm great, it is not the only one. Obviously I don't have time to list them all. For now, just continue to admire me as you always have. Pretty babies, hit me up with an email if you get lonely. But let's get back on track, the lucky ladies can wait.

I'm a Kings fan, and I'm not sure if you know what that involves, but it's a position of immense responsibility. There's a wide range of duties a superfan must be willing for, up to and including meticulous evaluation of the Royal Court Dancers' new outfits, clapping loudly 2 inches away from a Laker fan's ear hole, or just making a general contribution to the 'Arco Thunder' [Usage: Let's hear some of that Arco Thunder, superfans!]. Now, there's no denying I'm a superfan, I think anyone will tell you that. However, this does not prevent me from understanding that it might actually be possible for a Kings player to commit a foul. A majority of the Sacramento faithful seem to believe that once inside Arco Arena, Kings players are exempt from all known physical laws of the universe.

Allow me to describe a common scenario. Kings center Brad Miller will gouge out the eyes of the opposing player, or perhaps waterboy, lifting him high into the air, before pile-driving him cartoon-style into the hardwood.

Referee: "Unnecessary pile-driver, causing player to die, on #52, Brad Miller".

Reaction from Kings fans: "What game are you watching, this is ridiculous! That's fake brain matter! Oh c'mon, he's just double-jointed!!"

Second most common scenario: Opponent breathes on Kings player, or perhaps just breathes, in disruptive manner.

Reaction from Kings fans: "He's killing him out there, this is ridiculous! Ref, are you gonna call a foul, or just let that guy draw air into his own lungs and then occasionally expel this air in the general direction of our players?? There, right there, he's exhaling directly ONTO him, are you blind?!"

Then there's the 'incompetent heckler'. This is the fan with zero imagination and no concept of the game of basketball, but with moderate ability to conjugate the verb 'suck' [Usage: "You suck!", "You suck ref!", or "Ref, you suck!"]. Where the incompetent heckler truly shines, though, is in branching out and experimenting with new taunts. My favorite from Thursday's Cavaliers game was "Hey ref! Go back to ref school!". It's slightly abstract, but really quite clever if you think about it for long periods of time. Because the implication is that the referee is currently not proficient and must return to an indeterminate basketball officiating school, where presumably, he will learn to not suck. That's just plain hilarious right there.

Yet I have taken the superfan pledge, I must echo the sentiments of my fellow Kings enthusiasts. "Hey, ref! Are those glasses, I mean, you should have new glasses or something and you suck so bad, too! And ref school, you totally need that!!" (Exchange high fives)

My brother occasionally sends me random Guru.com postings from employers looking for help. For those of you not in the know, Guru.com is the world's largest online market place for freelance talent. Just navigate over there and check it out for yourself if you don't believe me. Very simple. Might I also add that your brazen, self-confident swagger seems out of place for someone who is not even aware of such basic information. Your insolence notwithstanding--he sends me these posts, which, generally speaking, appear to be written by dyslexic infants. But this is good, because we then allow ourselves a laugh, as we contemplate our intellectual superiority. As you know, the best way to build self-esteem quickly is to belittle others. Read this one below, you will feel like a super-genius by the end of it.

Project ID: 134554
Title: sy-life(bio) design programs
Category: Programming / Software / Database Development
Description: Develop genetic compter programs. That can in full ,but easy for humans to understand show how there inner workings works exactly, how they produce other products ,how those products work and can qalso do so with any other progam(gentic or not). Devolop genetic computer programs to design biologic lifeforms basic elements to complexityies high than human in a very short time period.Also can do so even faster with Dna and such as starting piont.Will also needed genetic programs to design the computers fror all this software.Also genetic software to do mass deta mining for these others. Magament gentic software will be need plus the same for software on when to best and safelly test the simulation agaist realty espically the biologcial lifeform ceated out of the programs. [end of description]

This person is probably just being funny, but what would be really funny is if somebody worked on that for 15 years, and presented their findings: "Fellow scientists and engineers: I have developed a genetic computer program to design biologic life forms basic elements to complexityies high. I don't know what that means, but I have done it nonetheless".

Ok, let's look at another one. This one is a little more straightforward, yet equally useless:

Project ID: 122563
Title: Web Database Developer
Category: Programming / Software / Database Development
Description: I need someone to develop an educational website that will allow students to learn online. [end of description]

I think they go into far too much unnecessary detail here. Why even mention that they need a website? Maybe they could just say, "I have a project. It will have a computer in it. Also maybe a mouse, but possibly not. Included in your quote, please submit random guesses as to what word I'm thinking of right now...Nope, it was zynklfaq. Ok, try again. Nope, it was kapessquaw! Email bid quotes to noreallyimactuallyretarded@hotmail.com. Thank you."

In closing, I can't believe how smart I am compared to everyone else. Could somebody email me a first-grader's book report? I will rip that to shreds.

Viva La Diference

There's a song by John Mayer called "Daughters". It has some thought-provoking ideas in it, like daughters are good to have, women are people too, etc., etc. Really quite tiresome, but if it makes the girls randy, I am supportive. Only to a point, though, because part of a line in the song goes something like this:

"...she's just like a maze where all of the walls all continually change."

This is sung lovingly, wistfully, as if it were a good thing. Now. The concept of a maze where the walls are continually changing is a nightmare, ok? For any normal person, this is an extremely unpleasant concept. That's just basic human psychology. Yet, somehow, since it's in a John Mayer song, it's magically romantic. Well guess what, John, you're not fooling anybody. Last week, your girlfriend gave you a suggestive wink when you told her you were going to show her who was boss. Today, when you said the same thing, she walked off in a huff, and then made you ask what was wrong for 20 minutes. That was a barrel full of laughs, wasn't it? Alright, that was a blatant, cliched stereotype, and I apologize. I can envision absolutely no scenario in which this would ever occur, because that wouldn't make any sense. It's so absurd that I don't know even know why I typed it.

Now before you pretty ladies get all disgruntled, hear me out. If women were always exactly the same as men, or even exactly the same as themselves, life wouldn't be as fun. Sure, there would be co-ed xbox nights, and that seems nice in principle--but I'm fairly certain the divorce rate would triple. One good thing, no more tupperware parties. Actually, I could go either way on that one. The value of locking those leftovers down tightly and conveniently is not lost on me. If you pressed me on it, I would admit I'm in favor of most Rubbermaid products. But let's get back on track. Variety is the spice of life, and relationships might get stagnant, or even enjoyable, if the fairer sex were remotely predictable. Because if we want to make broad, sweeping characterizations, and we do, it could be said that women will use any and every possible tactic, if it means they get to change their minds. This has been scientifically verified, so I won't spend too much time on it.

All I will say is this, which is my main point, more or less. Many guys tend to be dangerously violent, immature and thoughtless, but no one would write lyrics which suggested these were super-great qualities. I can hear it now:

"...he's like a stupid brick wall that will punch your lights out and forget your birthday, I love him so..."

It might just be me, but I'm guessing that song doesn't break into the top 10. Are you getting all this John? If we could dispense with the lyrics which encourage non-productive female behavior, that would be great. We're a team here, let's stick together.

Let Freedom Ring And Also Gongs

I'd like to take a few moments out to talk about my executive desk gong, if I could. Well, I got it for Christmas, and I bet you don't even know what an executive desk gong is. It's a percussion instrument consisting of a disk, 3 ft or more in diameter (in the modern orchestra), often made of bronze, and struck with a felt or leather-covered mallet or drumstick. But smaller.

It makes a flat, barely audible pinging sound--I'm guessing the R&D budget is not extravagant if your main product is a desk gong. Not to mention, a regular gong can be nearly deafening in close quarters, whereas a mini-gong is only mildly irritating. Fortunately for those around you, there are several reasons to sound the gong. Some of these ideas were in my gong manual, and some I thought up by myself.

1. Making co-workers feel welcome by way of a small musical announcement when they enter your cubicle. Test cases have shown that you don't want to do this every single time your boss stops by, because he might not find it as funny as it actually is (People in positions of power sometimes get too serious, so you have to slash their tires to remind them to take it easy).

2. Stopping someone in mid-sentence when they get too boring. If they don't understand this obvious signal, gong should be struck in feverish, rapid-fire manner, until they become confused and ask if it's a bad time. Continue rapid gonging until there is no confusion.

3. If you're anything like me, you'll be listening to music in your headphones and think to yourself: "Britney Spears is a brilliant artist of the highest caliber. Yet, even her songs could use something extra". (usually along the lines of a different song). In rare cases though, all that's missing is a little plunking sound at the end: "...and I love what you do, don't you know that you're toxic!" GONG! Yeah!

4. Impress hot asian receptionist with knowledge of the primary instrument of her forefathers. Try to be nonchalant here. The idea is to convey that you have much to offer, and that the gong is just a bonus possession that can be hers if she plays her cards right.

5. Announcement of bathroom breaks. 1 or 2 gongs.

6. As a weapon: When angry at co-workers, give warning gong, declare new decree or statute. New statute is up to you. Hurl instrument at heads of non-compliant.

7. It is time for co-workers to assist in the removal of your coat. Relieve me of my over-dressings, peasants! Gong!

Note: From time to time, fellow employees will come to believe they are above the desk gong. If you feel that the enthusiasm or respect level is not appropriate, let them know that every new gong means a new death in the office. This improves morale because they know it's shape up or ship out. In a coffin!

I love Paris Hilton Stp Typing tht go Away

Before we get too far along here, will someone please kill me? Who clicks on a link that says "Paris Hilton late for club opening ceremony", anyway? I mean, honestly. That headline reads like the title of an SNL sketch. Except it was a real link, and I really clicked it. This might not seem like a big deal to you--but as you can see, I'm not doing so well with my only actual New Year's resolution, '1. Don't be so stupid'.

In the interest of getting to the bottom of my Paris-oriented indiscretions, I had a private talk with myself. Over the years, I've found these internal dialogues to be woefully ineffective. But the alone time is nice, and it's cool to compliment myself on insightful points I make. Here is an approximation of the conversation. Due to time constraints, I edited out the parts where I break down like a small school girl and weep inconsolably.

Erik: 800 billion people just died in a natural disaster on par with any in modern history. Bloated, decomposing bodies as far as the eye can see. It seems strange to choose to read about Paris Hilton. Do you know why you might do that?

Alter-Erik: Um...she's pretty and knows how to party?

Erik: Well, you make a strong case, moron, but first of all, she's not. Her face is mildly intriguing, but it mostly just looks like she was hit really hard with something flat. Speaking of which, have you seen that from the backside? Hardly impressive. As for the partying, she's like a sorority girl who can also afford cocaine--does that somehow make you swoon?

Alter-Erik: But she could buy A LOT of cocaine. Just admit that much...

Erik: This is hopeless. You're obviously severely mentally impaired, and I'm finding it very difficult to talk to you right now.

Alter-Erik: Why is it that every time we have a disagreement, you shut down emotionally?

Erik: I wish I'd never met you.

Alter-Erik: I wish I'd never met you AND I hate you.

Erik: Good!

Alter-Erik: Yeah, GOOD!

So as you can see, it can be beneficial (though rarely, and never in my case) to reflect on the choices we make. If you're mildly schizophrenic like me, it may even be fun.


Alter-Erik: Also, you suck.

Erik: I will kill you.