Here's a riddle for everyone: What sounds like a Greenpeace commercial, but is actually a Chevron commercial? You guessed it, a Chevron commercial. Has anybody seen these? For that matter, has the Chevron marketing team even seen them? Lately it appears as if all original members of Chevron's ad team were fired and replaced by Berkeley freshmen majoring in Earth Day. I can't tell if they're selling incense, really excellent karma, or what. The ads open with some cheesy narrative about Chevron's mystical spirit-quest to find alternative fuels. Then at the end, they ask, "Will you join us?"

Riiight. Earth is rapidly morphing into an oversized, unihabitable asteroid with no oxygen and apocalyptic floods, but no one else cares, just you guys. You're blazing new trails in conservation. That's like me making a commercial about how Family Circus is a funny comic strip, and how I don't want to kill the author of it, Bil Keane. I obviously do want to kill Bil Keane, so such a commercial wouldn't make any sense. Truly perplexing, somewhat like a Mentos commercial. Which reminds me, do not be misled, Mentos. Your ads were so lame, even Bil Keane hated them--but most Americans figured they were the result of an elementary school create-a-commercial day, put on by retarded 1st-graders and Jessica Simpson. So we gave them a pass. However, there are limits. I shall set them.

Back to Chevron, though. I understand the financial advantage in declaring your company environmentally conscious. But first you must prove you're even the regular kind of conscious. Like where you respond to physical stimuli and all that. I should add that smoking a bunch of weed before you write a television commerical does not make your organization "green". That sucks, I agree. It would be a sweet loophole.

It is my opinion that these ads out-annoy even the drug ones, where you're not sure whether they're selling rolling pastoral hills, a certain type of medication, or a coastal time-share. All I can think while I'm watching any drug commercial is, "I hope it's like Viagra, but more powerful." Anyway, that's a different problem which I will discuss privately with my physician.

One thing I'll say for the gasoline ads, they're effective at making me not want to buy any gasoline, ever. But I have to balance this against the fact that they are a gross insult to my intelligence. So I find myself torn. Granted, some oil companies such as BP actually contribute monetarily to U.S. alternative energy research. There are two possible explanations for this.

1. All crude oil supplies will be exhausted within 1 month, but nobody knows except BP.

Or,

2. All of BP's corporate strategies are now devised by UC Berkely Transgender Animal Protection Earth Day majors with a political alignment slightly left of Karl Marx, and no real business skills to speak of.

Sadly, I'm not sure which of these is less absurd. Now I will show you my timeline which further explains the possible...you know what? I'm not even going to lie on this one. It doesn't explain anything, but I used 4 different colors, if you count white and black. You probably remember this timeline from U.S. History Class, but were too busy learning a new juggling trick during a movie, which earned you a quick trip to the principal's office. Ok, that was me. Still, though, check it out.

Now that you understand the history of oil in America, maybe you could explain it to Chevron. I think they need serious help if they're asking the general public for assistance on the alternative fuel thing. At this late stage in the game, it almost seems like they would've hired one or two scientists to look into the matter. I haven't even taken a chemistry class since high school. I'm a little rusty, to say the least. Best of luck to them, I guess.

Alright, I'll talk to you guys later, I have to get in my car and drive 60 feet to my mailbox. They moved it to one of those all-in-one type deals. SO annoying.