Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal Finally Gay In Real Life, Too

(AP) Hollywood, CA -- Over the past several months, as hype and controversy for the Ang Lee-directed Brokeback Mountain swirled furiously, inner circle hollywood gossip swirled with equal intensity. Everyone wanted to know: Had the co-stars really quit each other? Though it all ended last week with an Oscar snub, it seemed that another sort of journey had begun--a flamboyantly homosexual one.

When pressed on the topic, best actor nominee Heath Ledger seemed resigned to the fact.

"It's just too much trouble, not to be gay. Ever since the film wrapped, I've been hearing the whispers. So I thought, well, why am I not gay? Sure, I've been straight my whole life, and I still find the idea of sex with other men to be a repellant concept, but that's irrelevant. I'm going full steam ahead with this, and let the chips fall where they may. My wife's probably gonna be pissed, but whatever."

Gyllenhaal was more optimistic.

"I think it's gonna be great, personally. I've always liked SpongeBob anyway, and now I feel free to watch the show with a little more frequency. Cher, too. She's actually very talented, despite what you may have heard. Now that I'm gay, I can see myself getting into her stuff a little more. By the way, I've gotta go pretty soon, I think SpongeBob's on in a few minutes."

As the interview wound down, Gyllenhaal asked to go off the record. This reporter declined, which didn't seem to deter the actor.

"Ok, I'll just say it, then. Once I got into the role, the kissing parts were pretty much out of this world. I would do them again in a second, but with more tongue. Toward the end, I wasn't exactly 'acting', you know? I was just lost in the sweaty animalism of it all."

It remains unclear if the 'Brokeback' actors will be gay with each other, or with lots of other men. There is speculation that they will be gay with lots of other men, and each other, and then with other men some more, just for good measure. Regardless, both men expressed regret at having waited so long to be homos in real life.

Says Ledger, "Last week there was a 'Considering Civil Partnership' workshop put on by the total darlings at Over The Rainbow. I didn't really feel comfortable with it then, but when they have another one next month?"

"Oh, we'll be there", said Gyllenhaal. "We missed the last seminar, but you can bet your bottom dollar we'll be at this one. Pun intended, by the way. Now I can say 'bottom', and I'm not ashamed. Bottom, bottom, bottom. There. Who else out there wants to be gay? It's not even that difficult. If you wanna be, just kiss me, I think I've got the magic touch."