I've gotta be honest, I don't usually give nerds too much thought. They cross my mind, but I don't dwell on them. I've heard it said that you're supposed to act nice to their face, so I make an effort, and that's as far as I normally take it. However, lately I've been having some fond memories of my system administrator job, nerdy as it was. It occurs to me that they would pay me actual money, on the 1st and the 15th of every month. At Hollister, you get to flirt with fine girls, but on the 1st and 15th, they just check to see if you're still projecting a pretentious image, and then throw pennies at your head. Flattering yes, but it's not good enough anymore.

So, to prepare for the next stage of my career, which will probably end up bearing an exact resemblance to the stage before this stage, I thought it might be helpful to work through some potential flirting scenarios in my head. It is imperative that my nerd-game is at full power when I re-enter the nerd zone, so I can hit the ground running.

Scene I: Cubicle farm at Dork-Tech, Inc. Mid-morning coffee break, two nerds of heterogeneous physiology emit respective pheromones, and conversation ensues. Here's how the exchange might play out.

Guy Nerd: Is it hot in here, or has the total amount of kinetic and potential energy increased? Or Is it you? I don't know, it seems kind of stuffy, if not downright hot.

Girl Nerd: I'm pretty sure it's not me. Let me check the mirror. Whoa, safe to say it's not me.

Guy Nerd: Maybe it's me?

Girl Nerd: Uh, I think you should borrow my mirror...


Scene II: Watercooler, Mid-Afternoon

Guy Nerd: Did it hurt?

Girl Nerd: What?

Guy Nerd: When you fell from heaven, reaching a terminal velocity of 200 km per hour, assuming a non-vacuum environment, and normal atmospheric drag.

Girl Nerd: When you were saying that just now, I was inventing a new form of mathematics in my head, and saw infinity. But I'm finished with that now, can you repeat your question?

Guy Nerd: I said, when you fell from heaven, reaching a terminal velocity of 200 km per hour, did it hurt? No, I've gone and mucked it up. Shoot! You should've been listening on the first one!

Girl Nerd: If by "heaven", you are referring to the mesosphere, then that's a highly illogical question. Think about it, if--

Guy Nerd: Just forget it...

Girl Nerd: I will do nothing of the sort. The point of your query, in so many words, was to determine if I fell to earth from heaven. Additionally, you wished to know whether or not I was injured in any way as a result. Do I understand your position? If so, the answer is no, I was not "born" in heaven, and then launched downward through earth's atmosphere. Physical laws of the universe dictate that I would burn up miles before reaching the earth's surface. My personal genesis came about by vaginal birth, the same as you. However, I perceive that the communication technique you are attempting to employ is one commonly referred to as "flirting". Hence, I will subvert my inclination to answer as an adult, and, against my better judgment, shall irrationally engage you in light-hearted and witty banter.

Guy Nerd: Wow, this should be a lot of fun.

Girl Nerd: I know, I agree. Now say something light-hearted. C'mon. Go.

Guy Nerd: I want to launch you through the atmosphere right now.

Girl Nerd: Ooh, sounds fun. What's your favorite angle?

Guy Nerd: Hey, that was actually a pretty good response. Are you faking it? No, I could tell if you were faking.

Girl Nerd: Yeah, right

Guy Nerd: What?

Girl Nerd: Nothing.



Scene III: 6 p.m. Parking Lot

Guy Nerd: You must be tired

Girl Nerd: Why?

Guy Nerd: Well, you've been running through my mind all day, specifically the right temporal lobe, because that's the area of the brain where daydreaming and memory are most prevalent.

Girl Nerd: I'd like to get some time alone with your temporal lobe, do you see what I'm saying? Am I turning you on?

Guy Nerd: Not too much, actually. You want to have intimate physical relations with my gray matter?

Girl Nerd: Yeah, I think that'd be hot.

Guy Nerd: What would be hot is if you were better-looking and not so weird.

Girl Nerd: What?

Guy Nerd: Nothing. [Gets on mo-ped. Tries to burn out, kills engine.]

Yeah, I'm in the groove now. Lock up your nerdlettes, moms and dads, because I'm back in the game! Anyone for some Dungeons & Dragons? Let's do this.