Up for debate

Remember SNL's 2000 Gore/Bush debate skits? Those were fun. Since I've mostly written off the notion of any useful discussion occurring tonight, I will present my anticipated version of events:

Jim Lehrer: Ok, start saying stuff you're only gonna say because you think that's what people want to hear.

Kerry: Sure, that's easy. Ok, I am a well-documented war hero. We are still trying to find documents that show my opponent here is even a United States citizen, to say nothing of his military service record. Plus, I do not see how you can question my position on any issue, as they change hourly. Not only that, but did you actually go to "the" Yale? Like with the smart people, the high admissions standards and all that? I don't know how you learned Spanish, but I'm guessing it involved a Speak-N-Spell. Additionally, I have a long face that looks like a horse, and on my strong back will I carry the American people to a brighter future, and more waffles per minute than a busy IHOP kitchen.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. Bush, now you can start saying stuff. But no using the word "strategism".

W: 10-4 Jim, let's roll. Can I say that, let's roll? Ok. Now I'm no expert on the English dialect, but one thing is clear: The Iraqi people need freedom. I need freedom. Your mom needs freedom. Heck, our grand-forefathers fought for it, and maybe they were national guardsmen. Maybe they weren't, who knows? But while we're at it, let's break that whole "freedom" word down into its componentential parts: "Fre", as in frenulum, the highly sensitive tissue at the head of the penis, and "Edom", or "Odom"--as in Lamar Odom, formerly of the Los Angeles Clippers. Will you leave here tonight having no idea what I tried to express? I'm 100% confident of that. Is that a good thing? I'm starting to think so, yes.

Maybe it won't go down exactly like that. But there's always hope...

Am I paralyzed yet?

Before we get started here, a quick FYI: If you're reading this entry in hopes of coming away with new world knowledge, or even enlightening social/political commentary, I can almost guarantee disappointment. On the other hand, if you were hoping for an update on my physical well-being, things are looking up for you.

Since you're still here, I'm going to assume you didn't think me capable of bestowing such knowledge in the first place. I'm not offended. But let's get back on track. In recent times, I have become decidedly non-impervious to bodily injury. That is to say, I'm like a combination between a human chandelier and a ming vase. Let's start simply, so you get the idea: Not only am I susceptible to grave and permanent injury by means of seemingly innocuous occurences such as getting out of my hot tub or retreiving the morning paper (both comical-yet-actual-sources-of-injury), I am in danger of personal physical trauma just by thinking about it. Like, if I use a thought pattern my brain does not approve of, it will band together with my nervous system and administer the "spontaneous compound fracture to all ankle bones" command, or something. I've not been able to scientifically confirm this last phenomenon, I'm just saying the discovery of its existence would not surprise me.

I guess the main point is that I had the flu recently, was vomiting violently as part of this process, and managed to pinch a nerve in my neck. Yes, you read that right. Anyway, I'm not sure whether to quell the surges of pain with street drugs, just do the stretching exercises my physical therapist recommended as well as the street drugs, or what.

Observation and mild consternation

Just saw 21 grams recently. A solid piece of film-making, in my humble opinion. You can visit your favorite review site for affirmation or refutation thereof, but I have other points to make. Actually, just one, and it's more of an observation than a full-blown point:

Hollywood loves to portray those who believe in God as kooky fanatics (i.e., Jack Jordan, Benicio Del Toro's character) who are invariably lost and in need of having the real truth revealed to them--either by drastic life-changing events or by morally superior supporting characters. It's usually executed with a degree of subtlety that lets the viewer know who the smart, good characters are (hint: not the church-going ones), without being too heavy-handed about it--and it can be compelling. Indeed, there are some nutty "evangicals" running amok, and who wouldn't want to make fun of them? While the theme is but small sub-text of 21 Grams' overall story, this technique in general is beginning to show signs of age. The misguided zealot can provide an interesting backdrop with which to contrast a film's larger point, but at some point I'd be interested in seeing a new patsy, rather than the classic misguided believer. Maybe every single prominent producer and financier in the movie business will read this post and consider my brilliant wisdom. In fact, I'm surprised I'm not already a highly paid screenwriting editor/consultant. Do they have those? If they do, it seems weird that I'm not one...

p.s. I still want to buy this movie, because that's how in love with it I am. I will even marry it, if it comes to that.

'Nother poem

Flee thou Truth, 'tis open season!
Save thyself, and Cousin Reason.
Leave us to our drunken squeezin'.
We have mastered Christian giving,
Passing judgment, scolding, sieving,
Big on theory, small on living.
Here we prove by circumstance,
Spurning doubt, extolling chance.
All performed with song and dance!
Might it be our hearts have chilled, though,
As our cups we've overfilled so?
I don't know I'm only Nildo

Actually, posting others' poetry *is* the only thing I know how to do, thanks for asking. In fact, this is now the Poetry Blog Of America, what do you think about that? Ok, not really. That last one my brother sent me awhile back, I don't know where he got it--but the author's name appears to be Nildo. Or maybe that's just an adjective. As in, "Dave thinks he knows a lot, but he's pretty nildo".

A nice little number by William Butler Yeats

"Wine comes in at the mouth
And love comes in at the eye;
This is all we shall know for truth
Before we grow old and die.
I lift the glass to my mouth,
I look at you, and I sigh."

Not qualified

You know those $100-a-plate fundraiser dinners you always go to, for charitable causes and whatnot? Yeah, me neither. But last night, my friend had a free ticket for one, and who do you think he called? Well, probably lots of other people before resorting to me, but the point is, I went. And it was fun. Money was raised and hearts were lifted. None by me, because I'm still busy searching for that elusive brand of tuna fish--the one that will serve the dual function of being simultanously edible while allowing me to pay my mortgage. Safeway had a pretty good deal going there for awhile, 50 cents/can. Now it's a dollar a can, which just seems wrong. Not being intimately familiar with tuna fish economics, however, I cannot complain too loudly. Perhaps I will take comfort in shooting the checker a pouty look next time, while making the transaction as awkward and uncomfortable as possible. That might not seem like a very meaningful contribution, but sometimes we need to start small.

Everyone Needs A Blog

Everyone needs a blog and i'll tell you why. Because what if you didn't have one?? How would your friends and family know about all the cool stuff you were up to and how crazy your day had been?? I won't even get into that right now, but suffice it to say mine's been about as fun as being stuck in a wool sack with 2 angry badgers!! Angry, *sex-starved* badgers. Anyway, now I won't need to call my mom so much (she said 3 times a day was more than enough. Whatever Mom.), she can just check my little site here!

Ok, I must warn you. Some of what I post here will be funny, and some of it will BE VERY SERIOUS. Some of it WILL BE VERY BRILLIANT. But not very often, and only if they change brilliant to mean trite. I guess what I'm trying to say is, hold on for the ride of your life, people.
The ride of your life.