On any normal day, I might begin this post with a barely disguised insult implicating everyone who happens to not be me. But not today, because this post is about the concept of happiness, and I'd like to create the impression that I care. However, if you're curious about what I was going to say, it was that none of you will probably ever find true happiness--something along those lines. Sure, there may be scattered highlights, such as earning the love of a disfigured child, or not getting cancer right away, but that's about it.

Now let's look at the data, culled from a 45-second video clip on msn.com, automatically making it the most reliable source of data any of you have encountered in the last 6 months. Supposedly, there are several well-defined factors by which we measure and achieve happiness. Strangely enough, none of the factors have anything to do with Jessica Alba. Thinking about her holding me, and talking to a picture of her every morning is no guarantee of my long-term mental or emotional well-being. Yet, it is my destiny, so case closed.

Aside from that, here are some additional facts you should know about happiness, if you want to achieve even basic, introductory-levels of it.

1. According to the study, one of the best ways to be happy is to have more money than your friends. As my mom used to say, "It is not enough that I succeed. Others must fail." Seriously, your total wealth numbers could top out at around fifteen bucks, but as long as your friends only have ten bucks, you will experience feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction.
(According to the research, you will not feel petty, though I don't see how that's possible.)

2. Spend time with friends. Now, I know what you're thinking. Underneath it all, you're a bad person, and don't deserve friends. This is probably partly, or even mostly, true. But let's stay positive, and embrace the concepts of #1 above, which dictate that you build a social circle comprised solely of methed-out hobos, and everyone wins.

3. Buy experience, not possessions. The idea here is to travel, to see outside yourself, and gain an understanding of what it means to be a citizen of the earth, setting aside provincial attitudes and some other stuff which sounded logical when you were in college. Truly though, I do want to improve myself, but first I must improve myself at Madden 2007, and that's not going to happen until I buy my own xbox 360. Hey, did anyone hear that clacking sound? Oh yeah, it's the sound of a case. Closing.

4. Number four, don't have kids. The numbers alone are staggering, with 98% of all small children being somewhat annoying. True story though, happiness levels for prospective parents supposedly rise during the gestation period, then fall sharply during the 18 years following birth. Yet human births have for some time been a proven method of sustaining life. The more I think of it, number four is like some sick cosmic joke: We can either die off but be super happy, or keep up with the impregnating, and see our happiness levels plummet. That's like a catch-22 on steroids.

5. Number five is one I made up. It's a little pathetic, but it's called Hold Up A Picture Of Jessica Alba, and use baby talk on it, asking her rhetorical questions such as, "Oh, do you like that??" And so on. Remember, the research didn't specifically say not to do this.

Essentially, do everything in the above list, and you will be a different person. Capable of performing magnificent feats and wowing others with your sheer happiness. If you choose not to do everything in the list, you will fail and others will use you as their poor friend in order to feel adequate. Then you will be stupid and unhappy, a less-than-enviable position.

In closing, it's clear that this post is vastly different from anything I've previously inflicted upon the public, because it is both selfless and circumspect in the extreme. It reminds me of something Gandhi would've written, but less hypocritical. Sorry, Gandhi fans. The truth hurts.