Cell Phones Have A Long Way To Go

Today's topic is about cell phones, and their role in modern society. My position is that in modern society, more than 100 people own cell phones worldwide. These stats represent rough estimates, and as such, should not be added to the Bible under a separate chapter. Regardless of your feeling on that, the crux of the matter, among at least three separate cruxes of equal importance, is that I have opinions about cell phones which are inventive and extremely insightful. Now we will go through them one by one until you wish you were at a different website.

Basic Cell Phone Facts, Known Even To Uneducated Rural People

It's widely known that some citizens enjoy the combination of playing the trombone while driving down the interstate and talking on their phone, while others prefer to give birth during cell phone conversations. Still others prefer to simultaneously cook Rice-A-Roni, do naked somersaults, and talk on the phone. Honestly, I have no idea what you people are doing out there on a daily basis, but I'm pretty sure most of it is immoral. Though as you can tell, I don't really care. Regarding your collective cell phone usage, I am mostly apathetic.

The Question I Am Far More Passionate About

The question I am far more passionate about, is why everyone needs to buy a new phone every 5 seconds, or after every new conversation, whichever comes first. It could be that I'm just jealous of those who have discretionary funding outside of the six dollars my mom gave me last week. But that's overly simplistic. Accurate, but simplistic.

Granted, my perspective on cell phone-purchasing habits is skewed--as you may know, I work in close proximity to intellectually nascent, financially disoriented 19-year olds, a demographic not famous for prudent technology purchases. That said, my perspective is the best and truest one to have, out of all other ones. While you think about whether or not that makes any sense (no), consider my next point:

Many of the most-recently available cell phone options, while quaint, are not nearly violent enough for my tastes. Mp3 capable? Ok I guess, but the ability to play a Nelly Furtado song with your mobile communication device is not intimidating anyone. Camera option? Nice, but in and of itself, somewhat non-violent. To get a better idea of why normal phones pale in comparison to phones I would invent, take a look at the one of the primary features a new cell phone would have to have before it would be acceptable to me.

That's right, it needs to have a machete attached to it. In a perfect world, the machete would even have flames coming out. If you can't see why the machete option is top priority, you probably have psychological issues.

Another possible phone I might consider is one that is an actual razor. Motorola currently offers a mobile device known as the "RAZR", but guess what, folks. It's so-named due to its exceptionally thin body carriage, not because it's an actual razor. I don't think I should have to explain why I need it to be an actual razor, but I'm feeling indulgent, so here we go. One, a razor is a weapon, and could potentially be used against everyday people you want to kill, or drug dealers, if need be. Two, you could shave with it if you were past puberty, which many of you are not. Anyway, here's a picture of this phone, currently sold only in remote Peruvian villages. It is unavailable to American consumers, because of people like me.

One non-violent cell phone feature which might actually be acceptable, is a ring tone which indicates mood and/or physical attributes of caller: If the caller was a Victoria Secret model, the phone would continue ringing until it explodes or someone answers it. If caller is unattractive, phone emits unseemly odor. As most cell phones are carried around the midsection, there could be unintended social ramifications, but the simple pragmatism is undeniable, so case closed.

As further proof that you don't really need a fancy new mobile communication device (unless it's one I suggest, obviously.), check this guy out:

Essentially, he's making this look work for him. He's making it happen, and I can almost guarantee you there's no 2-year contract involved. Inexpensive, yet still big enough to be used as a weapon, therefore making it violent.

So we've established that technological idolatry is healthy, if nothing else. Yet we as a society must always ask ourselves: Are we considering that new Treo simply because you can email somebody with it? Or because it doubles as a chainsaw? America is under attack, people, and when the chips are down, you may want to do more than send a strongly-worded memo to your agressor. Your instinct will probably be to try and buy a new phone, like you usually do, but it will be too late for that. Let's be wise, friends. Good night and good luck.