Dating, Relationships, And You. And That Other Girl. She Was Also Fairly Hot.

Lately I've been thinking about dating and relationships. The reason I like to do this is it gives me a chance to reflect on how much I know about those topics, which is A LOT. And that's a great feeling, to know that much. I almost hope the girl I'm dating sees this post, because then she can understand her purpose, and praise me for my bold views. Or she will break up with me. In this way she is very wishy-washy.

I'll begin with an example scenario from my dating past, which informs some of my current beliefs, or should I say, facts, on the subject. I remember the picture quite clearly: Our relationship on the ropes, and me with no other options outside of dangling my ex-girlfriend's cat over the side of her fifth floor balcony. She said (in a very mean way), "Quit dangling my cat off of there! Why are you doing that??!" Women are supposedly very intuitive, yet she didn't understand that hurting her cat was my last, desperate method of hurting her? Please, that's psychology 101. Or at least I assume it is. I tested out of that course, due to my advanced skills.

Another classic blunder women commit on the dating scene is instinctively blurting out the first thing that comes to their minds, like, "Don't leave inappropriate messages on my phone, and then follow me in your car, driving slowly behind me as I walk through the alley." This is a turn off, because don't try to control me. Nobody likes to be controlled. Also, "Don't leave innapropriate messages" doesn't mean anything to me, it just sounds like a corporate memo to nobody in particular. If you can prove, in a legal setting, that I left such a message, and a court reporter is there to document it, then sure, we can discuss that. Until then, I would try to get a new phone number, although I'll probably find that new number without much difficulty.

Indeed, though I am quite resourceful, I will admit there are still a few remaining questions which the ladies have failed to answer to the satisfaction of this reporter. These are puzzles which have stymied experts like me for the better part of 5,000 years. Basically, no one will ever solve them. So they sit in museums, unsolved. Here they are, not that you could ever solve one.

--What kind of a world is it where cat-calls are not a compliment? A dual-reality world where sincere public recognition of something good about someone, is suddenly not a compliment any more. That's what kind.

--What kind of a world is it, where your cat wakes you up in the morning, and you like it? You like it so much you even tell your friends about it. Giving your cat away to someone else if he wakes you up, sure, but liking it?

--What kind of world is it where you disapprove of your boyfriend wearing your skirt and running around the house with a girdle on his head? Ok, that one is understandable. That was my bad.

--What kind of world is it where a football highlight is supposedly less interesting than:

-The conversation you and I were having just now (whatever that was about)
-Your hopes and dreams

Thankfully, this last one is no longer a mystery. As I understand it, a majority of the research [I've done] [in my mind] indicates that a slow-motion football highlight, complimented by tasteful narration and appropriate musical accompaniment, is significantly more interesting than either of the above items. Well, that's a relief to finally have an answer on that. However, some might say that the greatest mystery of all is how someone of my caliber could still technically be "on the market."

I agree, that is an amazing mystery.