Who Wants to Know About My Summer Vacation? You? You Over There? How About You?

Last week, I enjoyed a culturally rich, if shopping counts, vacation to Sacramento, San francisco, and my hometown of Chico. I took part in several adventures and was involved in daring exploits which normally occur only in exciting mysterious novels. Notice that I don't directly mention bestiality or cocaine. The reasoning is, my parents might read this, and I'd rather not chance it. And if you mock me for going to Sacramento as part of my vacation, I will put cyanide tablets in your food. Let me be clear on that point.

The Flight

On the whole, our flight from San Diego to Sacramento was without incident. However, upon my 45th perusal of the Southwest "Sky Mall" catalog, it occurred to me that the products were not improving with each subsequent read. Example of a typical Sky Mall product: The "UV Hawk" (TM), which promises to alert you when UV Light is dangerously high. Seriously Sky Mall, thanks for trying to help--but I think I'll know if the UV's were dangerously high by if I die of skin cancer or not. I'm a hands-on learner, always have been.

It's also possible to purchase the Thermo TempCheck-Hawk(TM), a device which allows you to "instantly and accurately check surface temperatures with the touch of a button." Please. If I think something might be hot, I'll put my entire hand on it for 10 straight seconds. After that, I'll judge for myself, in the emergency room if I have to.

The Wedding

Once the flight was over, and I'd called in my order for nine UV Hawks (TM) and three Thermo TempCheck-Hawks (TM), it was time to attend the weekend nuptials. Call me cynical, or call me a sad little shell of a man, but I think weddings are not any good, because that newly wedded friend is now making decisions based on some random person's happiness that is not yours. What could be worse? Weddings are also a thing which can elicit human emotion, if you are a) homosexual, or b) not man enough to squash these feelings into submission, or most optimally, oblivion. Thus, one must be vigilant. I believe the best method is to think about baseball throughout the entire ceremony. This is especially critical during the vows, as this tactic will prevent sensitivity to anything that might be taking place. Maybe instead of cynical, you should call me brilliant, for coming up with that loophole.

San Francisco/Wedding Aftermath

As is often the case, the betrothals of a day earlier left a caustic aftertaste. In order to cleanse the collective pallet, my roommate and I exited Sacramento in a huff, to indicate that we are bad at relationships and do not understand marriage.

Once in San Francisco, it was time for the procurement of unnecessary consumer goods, in vain pursuit of fleeting, unattainable happiness. That may sound depressing on paper, and it is. What's more, my income level is too low to even procure toilet paper, which is not only depressing, it's unsanitary. Anyway. We ran game on two Nordstrom sales girls with low intelligence quotients, earning an invite to their 4th of July barbeque. We didn't go, but I'm sure we would've had the best time ever. I was looking forward to learning more about barbies and tanning, but my roommate said no. He is boring and unmanageable.

The Promotion

Leaving San Francisco for Chico, my District Manager called. You must understand, it was never my intention that this space be used to trumpet my personal accomplishments, but now I think that's what it should be used for. My first (give or take) act of tactless braggadocio will be to make everyone aware that I have been promoted to Magestic Eminent Warlord Manager of Parkway Plaza Hollister, also known in some circles as "a deceptive and unfortunate career rut." Regardless, I believe I'm now in charge of all beheadings, so I would advise everyone to act right. Those cyanide tablets I was talking about before will seem like candy in comparison.

Chico

What can be said about one of the rockingest hometowns of the last 650 years? Well, this for starters: If you want your eyes to bleed out, and your faceskin stretched back grotesquely, as would a skydiver's, or an astronaut's face when he's blasting off in a rocket, then go to Chico. I guess that's the point I'm making. To all current and ex-Chico homies, I say this: You rock with a fury unseen in modern times. Never forget that.

Back to the Nest

On the flight back to San Diego, I read the SkyMall catalog again, and it still sucked. I've gotta stop doing that.

p.s. To all my married, unmarried, or soon-to-be married friends: This blog is pathetic and farcical. Unlike your weddings, which were, and hopefully will be, lovely. And if I ever get married, you can throw stuff at me while I'm up there.