More Stuff Gandhi Told Me Before He Died
Hey everybody, what's the good word? By the way, it's still cool to say what's the good word. It's like, what's the haps, people? These phrases are pretty raw, yes, but it also explains why they're so appealing to the youth of today. Raw street language is basically what I'm speaking here. You can't sugarcoat me, because I'm from the streets. Yet, even criminals like myself who haven't had a formal education can experience life on a deep level. As evidence of this, I've recorded several genius-level observations. Only people who want to advance intellectually should read them. If this isn't your goal, then you should do something which requires less concentration, like buying a popsicle.
Number one, I've noticed that my soap and shampoo isn't running out nearly as quickly as it should. This isn't right, to feel intimidated by my soap dispenser. I think I may start pouring some of it down the drain to make myself feel more hygenic.
Speaking of great ideas, here's one of my latest. Read it and weep. The day before an interview, you should watch a horror movie. Then, no matter how poorly the interview goes, no one can describe it as "horrific." If someone tries to do this, you can say, "no, what was horrific was The Ring, which I watched last night. The interview was just something which went very badly and damaged my self-esteem. There's a difference."
It bugs me that I have to touch whatever has a WET PAINT sign attached to it. It doesn't matter if the object looks mostly dry, not very dry, or if live paint is actually being sprayed on the object as I walk by. I must touch it, just to MAKE SURE. Of what, I don't know, but if the recently painted object is left untouched, nothing is reconciled and I will be without peace until the time of my death. I'm not sure what the moral is here. I think the moral is that I have serious problems.
The other day, as I embarked upon my well-worn route to the mall food court, I saw a portly mother of four wearing a t-shirt with "I've got the 4-1-1" written on it. Instantly I thought, "you have slightly greasy, mentally unkempt offspring on the loose, but the 4-1-1? After taking a brief visual inventory of your situation, I feel confident this is something you do not have." Then I kept walking, hoping to find someone that actually did have the 4-1-1, so they could tell me why I still have a job in a mall. A mall which doesn't even have a Gap. I don't even like the Gap that much, by the way.
My friend is really into the Care Bears, which makes sense because she's 26. She gave me the Bedtime Care Bear for my birthday. You can think what you want, but the bear glows in the dark, so what's up now? It feels good to admit it, though--I like the little guy. Reading what I've just written, I'm not sure how either one of us has any friends, but I don't think that matters so much now that I have this Care Bear.
If anyone has a question about Care Bears or any of today's observations, feel free to think a little harder, and then ask. I don't want questions just right off the cuff, that shows disrespect for my time, and strains our relationship. Thank You.
posted by Erik @ 6:38 PM
9 Comments:
Dear Erik,
I have a care bears question. When I was a kid my great-uncle Elmer from Hawaii gave me the Care Bears Play-Doh kit. I had to press bits of colored Play Doh into tiny molds to make their trademark bellies. Then I would stick the bellies onto bears that I had made with different colors. They had pretty life-like fur, for being made of molded playdoh. Do you think this experience has made me a more caring person? Tangibly, am I more caring than adults of the same age who did not have the care bear play doh kit?
you could shower more, making your shampoo and soap run out more quickly, and thereby also making yourself feel more hygenic. i mean shower for 2 hours every 4 hours. if your skin falls off, whatever, at least you'll feel more hygenic.
i do not recommend bringing bedtime bear into the shower as you may learn about the hazards of lightbulbs and water.
here is my care bear question: what was the deal with the care bear cousins? and why do i, having not seen that movie they were for like 23 years still quote the elephant who says "and dat's da troof!"?
Erin-Your question shows serious thought, thank you. The issue is not whether you are more caring as a result of the Care Bear PlayDoh kit's role in your childhood. Or rather, I don't care about that. What's more important is, are you more caring now that you've read this post? Will people admire you more now that you've read it? Yes and yes. Great
question.
HF-i'm looking for a solution where i can bathe *less*. Bathing
*more* just means additional time away from my care bear. Which leads me to your question about the care bear cousins. I will be straight with you, the care bear cousins are morally repugnant at best. Their history is a sordid one, involving several questionable "family" relationships. In other words, incest. I hope you're not mixed up in that.
I'm going to tell you about this show I saw this one time.
There is a program on CBC - pretty sure that's the Canadian Broadcasting Network, called Just For Laughs (alternatetively Just For Gags); it's a hidden camera show where people do funny pranks on unsuspecting passersby. Look it up on YouTube, it's actually pretty good. Anyhow, there's one where a guy sits on a bench and the back of his coat is painted in stripes as though the paint on the bench were wet. He waits for someone to sit down, then stands up and brushes off and the poor clueless fellow next to him sees the paint on the back of the coat and, panicking, thinks he has just sat in wet paint. Hilarity ensues.
It was pretty funny if you were there to see it.
Hey, you know what else would be cool? If you scanned my Hollister-Man drawing and put it on your blog. Then everyone would see how creative I am. You should do that.
i was trying to think of something i care less about than Care Bears, but all i could come up with was: Nicole Richie. And snot. But if you had a cold, you'd care about snot then, I bet, wouldn't you? So you see the conundrum here.
happy mask-i don't know if your hint is that some things are only funny if you're there, or if some things are not funny at all. either way, i'm offended. ok, not really.
i will scan that picture and post it here, so that the world (or 7 or 8 people) may know of your abilities.
bryan-now you can see why i chose to talk about care bears? exactly right, they're more interesting than nicole ritchie and snot (unless you have a cold).
mentally unkempt. that's a dash of brilliance right there. The
4-1-1...That paragraph keeps crackin' me up. Boy, that Gandhi---he shared a bunch of goodies with ya.
http://www.threadless.com/product/370/Emo_Bear
Wow, Erik, you're so street with all your jive-talkin'. sheesh. All I remember about care bears is that they all have that leg pose that makes them look like they really need a bathroom.
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