Paris Hilton Cited For Being Extremely Annoying, Death Penalty Issued; Whole World Agrees With Decision

After driving with a suspended license 9 times in a row, Paris Hilton may finally do hard time. But not in a dirty way, which is unfortunate. No, I'm talking about jail time, which I guess is what happens when you have pretty blonde hair and a Louis Vuitton bag, but no license. Paris does not agree with the prospect of jail time. Laying spikestrips down on the road to logic, she has described her predicament as "not fair." In spite of her eloquent assessment of the situation and celebrity status, I was able to form an objective viewpoint, which I have recorded on my blog site for posterity. My viewpoint continues below unheeded.

You may remember from the first paragraph recorded above that Paris has disputed the fairness of her plight. I think "fair" would be making her shop only at Mervyn's, for all eternity. Not that Mervyn's is necessarily bad, it's just that it reeks of poverty. Do not attempt to contest this point. If you do, everyone will learn of your excessively low income, and no one will pay attention to you ever again. Trust me, I'm a peasant, and no one even looks at me. I'm just trying to protect you guys.

Anyway, not only is the jail time fair, it is my expert opinion that the presiding judge is being a fruity little fruitbasket in his leniency. To be an effective judge in a court of law, you have to reach deep inside yourself, metaphorically, and pull meaningful punishments out of every available orifice. That's what I have the ability to do, and I've never even been to law school. I had one business law class, that's it. If a judge can't do what I have so easily done in earlier paragraphs, then he should be executed with no trial. I bet he doesn't even reference previous paragraphs he's already written, like I do. Pathetic, almost.

Whatever happens, prison will probably be the new vacation hotspot for Hollywood socialites. The obvious draw is that vacationers wouldn't have to puke up as much food in order to stay pretty--portion sizes are definitely smaller at San Quentin than Outback, there's no disputing that. Also, new inmates frequently get their food stolen before they have a chance to eat it, so it takes less willpower to stay at 85 pounds.

Another upside for these hollywood hotshots is that they could be stabbed while in prison, which is exciting! I think a good shanking can sometimes help a person's career, unless they lose too much blood, in which case they would die. But a solid shanking with moderate blood loss? That will improve one's google page rank without a doubt. I guess only time will tell how these laundry room stabbings will play out.

One thing's for sure: Paris is going to jail, and like everything else she does, it will somehow end up benefitting her. Am I jealous? Of course I am. If I bought a rat-dog and walked around Beverly Hills with my homemade sex tape, all my friends would stop talking to me. By way of contrast, if Paris Hilton started punching old people, it would be the coolest thing to do ever. But when I do it (and I have done it several times), it is rarely well received. It's not that I especially like punching old people, I just DON'T like the double standard.

Hopefully this blog post clears up any misconceptions about that.