Howdy-Doody citizens, and welcome to a new month. You're probably thinking, "great, it's a new month, I'm not impressed." If this is indeed your attitude, perhaps you should consider the international implications, as dozens of countries across the globe are now enjoying a different month. Even insignificant village people, in some cases. Here at home, it signifies a new 30-day period in which Britney Spears might pull her dress up over her head, take pictures of herself, and email them to People Magazine. More importantly, though, it signifies a new opportunity for me to complain about three parking tickets I got within a 4-hour time frame. I doubt you can beat that, but if you can, that seems strange to me, because logically it doesn't make any sense to intentionally best someone's record for consecutive parking tickets.

Anyway, the first was for parking on the street on the 9th Sunday of the ides of March, or something equally cryptic. I never really figured it out, which probably means I'll have about 8 more tickets by morning. The second ticket was for liking techno music (guilty as charged), and the third and final ticket was for something like not knowing the exact date of Charlegmagne's death. Ok, that's not actually what the ticket said. I don't know what it said, because I was sick of looking at tickets by the time I got done with the second one. I'm pretty sure the third ticket is just a polaroid of the officer giving me the bird.

Ah, but all is not lost, as the city recently sent me a notice about the tickets, and what to do in order to appeal them. Since I'm still a little unclear about when the ides are, or why anyone would care, I figure my best bet is to focus on the ticket about Charlemagne. Ok, I'm only being sardonic again. It is a virtual certainty that all three tickets are for the same basic offense, being too stupid to know where to park. Needless to say, I'm not too stoked about my chances at winning an appeal. I'm supposed to 'include a map or diagram of the street or parking structure, in order to more clearly state my case.' Since I don't really have a case, I'm not all that excited about expounding on that point and really driving it home. However, everyone knows that the best defense is a good offense. Thus, I think it prudent strategy to create a diagram which is a little more aggressive, in order to catch the imperialists off-guard. Here's what I'm thinking about sending in, roughly:

That's right, it's me brandishing a pirate's main weapon of choice, the cutlass. If that doesn't put the reader on full alert, I don't know what will. I still need a caption, though. My first option is something along these lines: "Expunge any record of these parking infractions or taste my unforgiving steel!" Somewhat sexually-charged, but still very effective.

My second option would be something like, "I'll cut you, dirty pig. No tickets!"

And then finally, I will say, it is my opinion that I don't want any of these parking tickets. Thank you.

p.s. I'll cut you.

If you think I should be a foreign diplomat too, just sit there at your computer and don't do anything for 1 straight second. Wow, thanks! Yeah, I think I'm pretty good, too. Talk to you guys later--from the American Embassy in North Korea that is! That I'll create!