Dominance Comes in Many Forms. Sometimes It Comes in the Form of Table Tennis

What have I been busying myself with lately? Interesting question. Mostly ping pong, or "table tennis", as it's referred to by those who play ping pong while crouching low and wearing serious facial expressions.

Yet, even as I begin to chronicle my impressive achievements inside the harsh, unforgiving and sometimes acidic underbelly of competitive table tennis, many of my detractors would like nothing more than to ridicule me:

"Ping pong is for little girls" they say.

Or, "ping pong is for tiny little babies."

Or, "ping pong is for people with a degenerative nerve disease."

You get the basic idea.

Side note to any detractors who would disparage my table tennis aspirations in this way: You are pitiful. By the time you're done figuring out who ping pong is for, I will probably be a national champion and you'll still be watching Grey's Anatomy on Tuesday nights, or whichever night it comes on. I don't know what night it comes on, because I'm too busy. I've heard it's a good show though, so if anyone knows which night it's on, email me and I might watch it at Best Buy if I'm accidentally there while it's on. However, as I've made very clear, I don't have time for it right now. Only my detractors would have time for something like that.

Another thing about my detractors: I wager they'd look at the sport quite differently if hot Russian tennis players were to play ping pong. However, since ping pong is mostly a sport which kills the sex drive of hot Russian tennis players, I am left to promote the sport in my own way: With dominance. With dominance, and by playing in a speedo emblazoned with all major ping pong brands. If anyone thinks this is a good idea, raise their hands. I'm going to assume those hands are up high. In that case, rest assured--your confidence in my promotional abilities is not misplaced.

My quest for ping pong dominance is not without other obstacles as well. First of all, I will be forced to take Asians to school more than they already like to go to school as is. That's a serious education! I know it's been said before, but they really do like school, so logging a complaint against me with the NAACP is not necessary.

It's not all uphill, though. There are positive aspects to my ping pong quest as well. One of these is that the better players are far more approachable. This is in stark contrast to basketball, where the spirit of camaraderie is represented by a distinct lack of anything resembling camaraderie.

Example of friendly basketball exchange with someone on own team:

"We could build a 10,000 sq. foot cottage with all those bricks you're laying. Are you just going to shoot it all day, or are you going to let the rest of your team play?"

Example of friendly basketball exchange with someone on opposite team:

"There is no possible way you can guard me. Whose idea was it to have this guy guard me? I'd like to punch you in the head after this game for even trying to guard me. I would punch you now, but first I need to emphasize your inferior status as a human by scoring on you in a variety of ways."

I can't be too jugdmental, though. I can remember looking at inferior players in much the same way that Godzilla looks upon fleeing urbanites: Lots of disdain, and a limited amount of empathy (I should mention that I emphasized the destruction of public property less than Godzilla).

By way of comparison, the last time I went to the table tennis club, a guy roughly one billion times my superior led me through different drills for an hour. He was heterosexual, too, so you can stow any potential comments and stand in line with my detractors from an earlier paragraph. They should be easy to find, I think they're still watching Grey's Anatomy.

I'm not saying table tennis is perfect. For instance, there aren't very many hot Russian tennis players involved, and I don't think Jessica Alba even knows what table tennis is. It's ok, though, because I'm in a relationship, so stuff like that is irrelevant.