The County Fair

I went to the Imperial County Fair last weekend, and will now present my findings in written form.

As with any intellectual dissertation worth its salt, this one begins with a question: Which is more valuable, a million diamonds, or a ticket to the Imperial County Fair? Easy. The county fair is more valuable because it allows you to build memories that will last forever, even if you try electro-shock therapy to forget them. It won't work, this value is forever imprinted on your cortex.

Unfortunately, the Imperial Valley City Council does not seem to understand the distinction between heartwarming value and actual value. Let me explain the pricing structure for this event: Admittance alone was one testicle, with each subsequent ride costing an additional testicle. Anything for a good time, though. And like I said, I have the memories. Most of these memories consist of pre-castration nostalgia, but still.

It's not that I'm a cheapskate, it's just that there’s no way sitting in a big sailing ship that goes back and forth and then way up high for 65 seconds is worth 10 dollars. Per ride. But I could be alone on that. I don’t want to be negative, but I do want to be realistic. While we’re at it, here’s another piece of realism for you. When the sign at the pop-a-balloon booth says “3 dollars to play-Get a prize even if you don’t win!”, that actually means “25 cent Hello Kitty key chains: 3 dollars.” And while it’s comforting to finally understand carnival game profit margins, the downside is that the 6x6 Def Leppard mirror I won in jr. high might not be appreciating as rapidly as I thought.

However, if you think the only reason I went to the Imperial County Fair was to play simple parlor games, then you have no concept of my core value system. If my core value system were represented by a pie chart, simple parlor games would occupy no more than 65% of that chart. Necessarily then, the remaining 35% is dedicated to pig shows and fake tattoos. Bumper cars are also intrinsic to my core value system, but you would probably judge me for that, so I won't even get into it.

Let’s start with the pigs, because they’re fat and juicy. The essence of a pig show is the short-lived bond which develops between a child and his pig. The child displays the animal’s juicy flanks by leading it around the ring and beating it with a wooden cane. Think “Charlotte’s web” or “Babe” but less sentimental. And the show pigs are eventually slaughtered, which is another main difference.

So even though the pigs were ultimately doomed, I still enjoyed watching and learning what makes a Yorkshire ‘structurally sound’. Don’t worry about it if you don’t know. It’s very complicated and I will tell you later if I have time.

The final item of business was getting some ink done, like a rapper or basketball player. Kanji characters right on the forearm if you want to know the truth. I would’ve gone for a real one, but I remembered just in time that I don’t like them. My girlfriend got a fake tattoo on her wrist and was immediately regretful. You should've seen her, she was seriously stressed out about it. I wonder if she knows about REAL tattoos? That would really blow her mind.

So, despite the fact that buying the Disneyland theme park and the marketing rights to all Disney characters would’ve been cheaper, I had a good time. And that’s true value (heartwarming value, not actual value).