Have You Recently Been Impregnated Or Impregnated Someone Else? Read This.

Let me begin by saying I don't think there's anything wrong with being pregnant in the strictest sense of the word. The problem lies in the unsatisfactory way that some people choose to relay this news. By contrast, the way that people become pregnant is mostly the same, and I think it would be inappropriate for me to criticize any specific technique.

Let's get right to the heart of it. I'm not a big fan of the method where your friend calls you for the purpose of relaying the baby news, but first asks you 20 questions about this that and the other, apparently to emphasize that you haven’t accomplished anything meaningful recently. Because if you had, you would’ve made a baby during the time interval in question. Sometimes they make me go on and on, too, like, "That’s it? Nothing new?"

Backed against the wall without answers, I almost never come through. “Uh...I just went to Baja Fresh…I think I ordered the combo meal…I can't even remember what I ordered now!"

Pregnant friend: "Well I made a new human being, like in the Miracle Of Life. I think you’re probably familiar with that movie. Yeah, made our own miracle is what we did." And they know it's the ultimate trump card. You can't beat that.

My sister recently became pregnant, but she wasn't coy about it. This is to her credit. She does a lot of other things wrong, so I'm glad she got this right. If you’re reading this, no harm, no foul homegirl. Hang in there, and try not to puke all over everything.

Maybe my friends who choose to share their news this way are just making sure I didn't recently contract a terminal illness that could threaten to put a damper on the proceedings. I can almost understand that. And believe me, I'm truly happy for them. I just wish they would tell me at the beginning of the conversation, so I could hurry up and be happy for them. It's like they're ashamed—what, now I'm gonna know you have sex with your wife? In some cases I guess that could be embarrassing to admit, but I have attractive friends, so that's not a valid excuse either.

If I ever impregnate someone, here’s my plan for sharing the news. When they answer the phone, I’m not even going to identify myself. I'll say, “Here's the situation, we made a zygote. The zygote has been genetically enhanced as well, you can’t touch that. I plan to teach it my best basketball moves. Questions? Boom, I didn't think so. Father Abraham out!” Click.

This method will allow me to open and close the conversation with some flair, without drawing attention to the fact that my friend hasn't managed to spawn even one sentient being since last we talked, whereas I have.

As a side note, I can just hear my mom right now as she’s reading this. “Well at least your friends know how to HAVE babies. You sure have a lot to say about it for someone who hasn’t managed to produce any offspring. Maybe you should have a kid first and then talk about what you might talk about when it actually happens, which I doubt it will.”

She can be a sardonic old bird when she's inspired. She’s top-drawer though, let’s be clear. Quick shout-out to mama lion: Breast feeding! Poetry! (she likes that stuff)

In closing, I’m not nearly as petty as this writing might indicate and I realize that having babies is not a competition. Unless you're Mormon, then it's game on. Finally, I want to emphasize that I'm not blaming the babies themselves—they're mostly unwitting bystanders in this whole thing. Most of the time they can't even see what's going on, because it's so dark in there. So don't try to turn the blame on them. I'm not saying you are, just watch yourselves. Thanks!