Jobs! Advice! Face-Punching!

Since its inception, the main purpose of this blog has been to inform, instruct,and mock anyone who isn't exactly like me. Also, even if I've never mentioned it outright, this website has always taught doing the right thing, if it's possible to do so at that particular time without being inconvenienced, or if someone pays you a lot of money to do that thing. Okay, that was confusing, but here's what I'm driving at: I never stop teaching. The day I stop teaching is the day I'm resting 6 feet down, my face skin stretched taut against my rotting skull, worms going this way and that. Not to be graphic, but as you can see I take teaching seriously. And I could not be more serious as I give the following advice.

If you have a friend, and he tells you he's going to take a year off from his perfectly reasonable software job and then "feel things out", punch him directly in the face, and then toss him into the middle of the Atlantic ocean. If he lives on the west coast, toss him in the Pacific, because obviously that's a shorter drive.

But enough negativity and punching. Nay, let us now rejoice, for I have secured a new position as technical writer at a rather prestigious software company! Maybe you've heard of a large public corporation known as Google, which specializes in search technology. I'm obviously unqualified to work for them, but Google is a big deal, you should probably know who they are. My job is with a different company which you've never heard of, but I don't need your pity. All I need is for at least one person to read this, and feel sorry for me. Okay, so I need your pity.

My initial plan, if it can be categorized as such, was to put my career on pause, and work in a relaxing non-cubical environment. That looks ok on paper, but there's putting your career on pause, and then there's drugging it, chopping it into little pieces, and dumping it in a remote, wooded area. Here are some ways to not do that.

1. Don't believe anyone who says you should work for Hollister because if they say this, that means they hate you. Do you want to listen to people that hate you? Hollister is like a high class prostitute who has determined that it's more profitable to continuing screwing people than it is to do something nice, like get a credential and teach kindergarten. Don't nitpick my analogy, you know what I'm trying to say.

2. If you happen to be stupid enough to take a job in retail clothing, at least work somewhere they sell cool clothes. I could find more interesting clothes at the 99-cent store. This is a fact.

3. If you decide it's time to get back to the software field, don't put Retail Store Manager at the top of your online resume. Doing this will garner you the same amount of call-backs you would receive if you put "Going to the bathroom a lot" in your list of accomplishments. There is no distinct difference between these two resume strategies. Indeed, some concepts I grasp instinctually, while others elude me for surprisingly long periods. This was a "elude for long periods" one.

4. It seems counter-intuitive, but don't be afraid to engage in negative self-talk. I'm a positive guy, but I've discovered that too much optimism will dupe you into thinking your life is really neato. I swear, sometimes I'm like an Abu Garib inmate who had a really good day because he was only partially drowned but didn't also have to participate in an all-male naked pyramid. I'm not saying you should try to hate yourself more, just maintain the ability to realistically evaluate your situation. You won't regret it.

5. You might think that watching funny YouTube clips and buying stuff on iTunes will get you a job faster, but think again my friends.

And there it is, what I like to call the Fantastic Five. There may be more useful career tips than the preceding gems, but they're probably in a book that costs money. Speaking of, I will need to update the ol' wardrobe with some business casual. If only I worked somewhere that sells clothes and offers an employee discount...now THAT would be awesome.